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(5 Posts)
LLS91 Wed 14-Oct-15 17:52:41

Hello, I've written my first story for young children and I would very much like the honest opinion of mums. If anyone has the time to read this and give me feedback, I would be very grateful. There may be a few typos in there. smile

This would be a picture book.

There were many things important to Izzy, she loved her friends, she loved her parents, she liked her brother (well, sometimes) and there was something else Izzy loved...dinosaurs! She had dinosaurs on her bed cover, pictures of dinosaurs on her bedroom walls and books all about dinosaurs. As far as Izzy was concerned, the bigger, the toothier the better.

One day Izzy’s mum bought her a present. A toy tyrannosaurus rex! Izzy was thrilled and decided to call him Trexie.

Trexie went everywhere with Izzy and sometimes people would look and say 'It’s strange to see a little girl with a big dinosaur.'

Having a toy dinosaur is one thing, and Izzy was most definitely very pleased with Trexie, but how utterly amazing would it be to have a real dinosaur, a 50 foot monster that could stomp and roar? One night as Izzy lay in bed she saw a shooting star and decided to make a wish, she wished Trexie was real.

Millions of wishes have been made over shooting stars, birthday cakes or blowing away dandelion seeds and rarely do they come true. However, perhaps Izzy wished upon a particularly powerful and magical star because that night she was woken by a soft growl and, turning towards her window, gasped to see a large eye peering in at her. Trexie? It was Trexie, grown to a full sized dinosaur, her wish had come true! Izzy wasn’t afraid, she opened her bedroom window and reached out a hand towards her dinosaur, stroking his head. Trexie bent down and Izzy climbed out of the window and onto his back.

Trexie grunted and began to walk, Izzy couldn’t believe it, she was riding on the back of a real dinosaur! Trexie stomped down the street. One man happened to look out of his window and Izzy waved cheerfully. The startled man was sure he was dreaming at the sight of a little girl and the very big dinosaur.

'Where are we going Trexie?' asked Izzy. 'Grrr,' answered Trexie, as he turned a corner. They were going to the park!

'Let’s play on the slide!' Trexie knelt so Izzy could jump down.

Trexie put one foot on the slide and...smash! 'Uh oh, the slide's too small for you, Trexie. How about the swing? You could push me.'

Izzy climbed onto the swing and Trexie tried to push, but his arms were too short, so instead he butted the swing with his huge head. Trexie didn’t realise his own strength and Izzy went flying through the air. 'Weeee!' laughed Izzy. However, Trexie didn’t think Izzy flying through the air was such a good idea and, growling in alarm, ran along to catch her. Izzy landed on his back.

'That was fun! Let’s go to the pond now!' Trexie liked this idea, he wanted to go for a paddle and decided he liked the water so much, he wanted to jump and splash. Izzy laughed in glee and clung to his back as Trexie splished and splashed his way across the pond.

Soon everything was very wet, so Izzy thought of another fun game 'How loud can you roar? Louder than me?'

'Rooooooar!' screamed Izzy,

'ROOAR!' replied Trexie.

'Rooooooooooooar!' answered Izzy.

'ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!' responded Trexie, scattering birds from the trees and blowing Izzy off her feet.

There was the squealing sound of alarms from nearby houses and cars. 'Oops, I think we've roared a bit too loudly Trexie, we'd better go.'

Izzy climbed back onto Trexie and they made their way home, 'Goodnight Trexie,' said Izzy sleepily as she climbed back through her window. 'Grrr,' said Trexie.

The next morning Izzy woke and saw Trexie was next to her, small once again.

Would he come to life again? Would they have more adventures? Izzy certainly hoped so.

Don’t worry Trexie, it’ll be our secret,' whispered Izzy.

Copyright © 2015 Laura Sambrooks. All Rights Reserved.

Thanks for reading! flowers

Laura

schmalex Wed 14-Oct-15 19:35:23

You might want to move this to the creative writing board.

A few things that immediately spring to mind:

What's the title? Titles are very important.
It's wordy for a picture book - 400 words is ideal.
Go through and take out anything that would be shown in the illustrations - e.g. you don't need to say she has dinosaurs on her bedspread.

It's a nice idea but the actual text needs tightening.

Are you a member of SCBWI? They run lots of useful seminars, conferences, etc and you can join a critique group.

Someone also once advised me to try typing out the text of published picture books I like. It sounds weird, but it's enlightening to see how short and tight they are, and how they look without the illustrations.

Good luck!

LLS91 Fri 16-Oct-15 13:26:43

Thank you for the advice, schmalex. It's my first time trying out this sort of writing, so there's a lot to learn. smile

Do your write children's books then?

I have read about that group recently, I'm going to look them up now.

schmalex Sat 17-Oct-15 08:52:20

No probs, I also forgot to add that the SCBWI blog is useful - take a look at the picture book basics and ask a picture book editor sections in particular www.wordsandpics.org/

kaylasmith Tue 20-Oct-15 08:33:19

The story is nice for the kids. It would be great if you can also share your writings on social media and Alltop.com similar aggregator websites. Hope you are working to make it some large. smile

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