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Childminders Club - Feeling a bit :-( Sorry, bit long....

(13 Posts)
HellyBelly Wed 10-Aug-05 09:23:23

I started childminding my first mindee on 4th July this year and so far I am loving my job . I do have problems with my ds's behaviour and I'm hoping it will settle down shortly. He's only 2.5 and of course has had to try and get used to suddenly sharing mummy and all his toys with lots of other children.

I can 100% say for sure that me childminding is one of the best things that could have happened for my ds. He loves mixing with all the different kids and has developed so much already. Even after 10 hours of fighting with one of the mindee's, he's still crying and asking for more as he doesn't want her to go home!

Although he loves the kids, he's obviously having a bit of trouble with the sharing thing (like most toddlers) and also does things like throw sand out of the sandpit when he shouldn't etc etc.

I've been giving him lots and lots of time out and can see small improvements. I'm certainly not ignoring this bad behaviour but I am also making sure that we get quality time together when other kids are in bed etc. so that he knows I don't love him any less. All in all he seems very very happy, just his behaviour needs sorting

Anyway, yesterday really upset me. There were 4 children in total and I felt that his behaviour had annoyed all the other kids that they were actually pushing him aside and alienating him from the group. I overheard the 5 yr old saying to my ds and the 2½ yr old "guess who's coming to my house soon, guess who, guess guess" and then said (without giving out names!) "mindee1 is - NOT DS!!" He didn't realise I heard and I had words. Not shouting as I'd never do that but I did say quite firmly that it wasn't a nice thing to say and explained how this is a big thing for ds to get used to and to give him time. They all agreed that ds gets dealt with every single time it's needed so don't think I'm being unfair. I asked the 5 yr old how he'd feel if he had to share all his special toys with lots of children - that got him! . The ironic thing is that his mum used to be a c/m and had the same problem with him as I have with ds and she understands how I feel. She became very protective over him and I'm sort of getting that way about ds. It was like the kids were purposely acting like he wasn't there and the rest all of a sudden best of mates

I know they're only kids but it really got to me yesterday. I suppose I want some reassurance that things will get better and that ds is just going through a phase. I'm also worried as he was getting better but all this negative behaviour towards him is making him slip back to bad behaviour again.

Any advice, comments etc???

Sorry for the rant

goldenoldie Wed 10-Aug-05 09:46:15

Would you have jumped in so fast if your DS was not the one excluded?

katymac Wed 10-Aug-05 11:11:15

I have behaviour probelms with DD - so I know where you are coming from, I don't have any helpful advise - but I was seiously considering putting DD in a holiday playscheme as I thought the space would do her (& me) good


HellyBelly Wed 10-Aug-05 12:17:26

goldenoldie - I can PROMISE you that they DO get treated fairly. I have heard of lots of minders who do treat their own children better but I personally am the complete opposite - I get paid to do a job and actually pay more attention to the others than my own ds some times (yes, probably hasn't helped with his behaviour but he gets special time when it's just us two).

For example, my first mindee is very very cuddly (2½) and wants lots and lots of attention. She gets a lot from me, especially when new children start as she's shy.

I can't really show you but I can tell you that I DO treat them all fairly and I WOULD have said the same thing if another child had been excluded (although it would have been different words as this particular circumstance wouldn't arise with another child).

I'm sure lots of people will think I'm favouring my own ds but that couldn't be further from the truth!

Just wanted to make that clear

HellyBelly Wed 10-Aug-05 12:18:25

katymac, how old is your dd? I'm sure my ds is too young for that?!

katymac Wed 10-Aug-05 14:15:49

He probably is - but I just thought you needed to know you weren't alone (she's 7 btw)

HellyBelly Wed 10-Aug-05 14:35:05

Nice to know I'm not alone but not nice for you

katymac Thu 11-Aug-05 07:32:39

Wish I could help more

HellyBelly Thu 11-Aug-05 07:53:41

Thanks Katymac but I'm fine now. Don't think pmt helped either .

I just hope people don't get the wrong idea about me now as I really do treat all my mindees fairly and it's actually my ds CONSTANTLY getting into trouble

Having re-read the way I worded my first post, I can see why some people may have thought I was only reacting as it was my ds. I never put in my first post just how much I have to put my son in time out and how many tears I have each day. The reason I'd worded it the way I did is because I was worried people would 'jump on me' by thinking I was being too hard on my ds!

Oh well, my ds does ask for it sometimes and I can see why the others are fed up with him. I don't however see what harm I have done by having a little word with the 5½ yr old mindee? I never shouted, I just explained to him that ds is only 2 and is just trying to deal with the big change and to give him a little time. The mindee seemed to understand what I was saying and his mum was pleased I talked to him about it - she completely agreed with me.

Sorry for going on again, don't like people thinking the wrong thing about me so I just wanted to make that clearer (not sure if I have though)

ssd Thu 11-Aug-05 08:46:45

Helly, I understand completely. I childmind too but only on a part time basis as I feel it's not fair to my 2 ds's to suddenly have our small house full of little kids. My ds's are 4 and 7 and the four year old has to share me and all of his toys, like your ds. TBH I think it's really hard for them. That's why I only mind p/time. We are really skint but I really feel it's not fair on little ones to suddenly have to share everything in their own home. When my ds2 goes to school next year I'll probably mind more if I can get more work.

I know this probably doesn't help but I wanted to be honest. I can't see another way round minding when you've still got pre schoolers at home. I can imagine it depends a lot on your own child and the amount of space you have at home, but mine are used to me always being there and having to share me all the time as well as home and toys would'nt go down well. Hope this makes sense!

The childminders I know who have successfully combined their kids and mindees have all got more living space than me and they keep a bit of the house for mindees toys and equipment and don't let the mindees play with their kids own toys. I guess if you have the spare room and the cash to buy separate toys this would work, unfortunately I don't!

HellyBelly Thu 11-Aug-05 09:09:48

Hi ssd. Sounds the same as me - no spare rooms etc to keep things separate!

I started off gently with the childminding and can 100% say that my ds LOVES having kids over to play. I've got no problem working full time as far as my ds is concerned and he really really does love having the kids over. I promise I wouldn't be doing this if I thought he was getting down about it. Every morning he wakes up earlier than before and starts off shouting the names of the different mindee's as he can't wait for them to arrive. My 2 today aren't arriving until 9.30am and ds has been going on about them since 6.45am !!

He obviously does have a problem with sharing like any toddler would - even in toddler groups etc - and of course when it's the toddlers together, they all want what the other one has and then don't want it once it's available IYSWIM?

On Mon, Tues, Wed, I have a little girl 1½ months older than ds and she's here for 10 hours (8.30 - 6.30). He gets really upset when she goes home and shout out for more!!

He's come on so much since mixing with the mindee's and gets loads of attention when they go home so he knows he's still special to me.

I'm hoping it's just a matter of getting used to sharing - just like most toddlers have to.

Time will tell.

lunavix Thu 11-Aug-05 09:14:41

Ds is the same. He's 15 months and my twin mindees are 2. They ALL fight over the toys, when one has something it's suddenly far more interesting than it was before! I sometimes feel bad because they can talk (ds can't say proper words yet) and they shout NO at him when he wants something they have, and I feel sad that he's been told off for wanting something that about 80% of the time is his anyways!

But he's so much happier when they are here, he loves playing and by me working I get to spend the whole day with him, and earn money to spend on him.

HellyBelly Thu 11-Aug-05 17:24:58

Yeah, ALL my toddlers argue over toys (some more sneaky about it , my ds too obvious ), it's just my ds is worse at the moment (which I can understand).

He stills loves all the kiddies and as my 2 today left at 4pm and I don't work Friday's (atm), he was in a right old mood and was screaming for them to come back

He's fine now but I know my ds and he definitely prefers them being here and sharing toys than not being here at all IFSWIM. And yes, this is my way of being able to stay at home with my ds otherwise the time was coming to have to think about getting a job.

Anyway, today was fine and ds and the 5½ yr old good friends again (still arguing though )

Right, time to quickly tidy up then get ready for my night out (our anniversary today so off out for a meal )

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