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cms- Help me think of ways to support my own ds who is struggling with me cm.

(15 Posts)
holdingittogether Wed 11-Nov-09 11:38:27

have been a cm for 18mths. Ds2 who is 7 has never liked it but I hoped given time he would get used to it. Well he hasn't and it's getting worse. He has started to be aggressive towards mindees and very rude to them. We have also had alot of tears too. I am on the verge of giving up cm as I feel it is not fair on him. Can't afford to not work at all so it is not as easy as just giving notice, I need to have another job lined up which could take time.

Does anyone have any ideas of ways I can help and support him? It is breaking my heart and I don't think dh appreciates the problem as he is always at work.

atworknotworking Wed 11-Nov-09 12:55:57

I can sympathise with you I've been CM since DD was 4 I'm lucky in that she loves having other children around (only child) and has become close to a couple as they have kinda grown up a bit together, she is 9 now and at times likes to go off and do her own thing which is fine I think it's just part of growing up.

We did have a phase of her being really fed up and upset at not spending much alone time with us, but she had bullying issues at school to so was a little fragile anyway. What we did was explain that if I had another job or worked for a company she would have to go to before and after school club and we couldn't drop her off or pick up from school etc, and we would see her even less, she understands this and we arranged special times during the week for one to one stuff after the mindees have gone home, so we have movie monday, take out tuesday, makeover sunday etc. Things are much happier now, but one thing I would say is if you arrange a special time or promise an activity, do your upmost to follow through it really knocks them back if you have to re-arrange or cancell.

potoftea Wed 11-Nov-09 13:00:19

I think it's important that he has a place that the mindees are not allowed to go, like his bedroom, where he can escape to.
Explain to him that most parents have to work, and the parents of the mindees are working and so are you, but the difference is that you get to spend some time with him during your work day, whereas loads of other parents cannot.

Riddo Wed 11-Nov-09 13:06:59

My ds (9) goes through phases of complaining. Mindees are not allowed in his room and he is allowed on the computer while they are here.

Once I pointed out that we wouldn't have had a holiday without my earnings, he reduced his complaining!

AboardtheAxiom Wed 11-Nov-09 13:12:01

Some good points made already.

I think at 7 your DS is old enough to have it explained he would be the one at a cms or breakfast and afterschool club if you weren't childminding.

I do think arranging quality time is what wrks best. When I used to cm when last mindee went home I would sit down with DS for 10 mins just cuddling him / chatting / playing, whatever he wanted and would thank him for being good and that being good while mindees were here meant he had me at home rather than us both being out and apart.

holdingittogether Wed 11-Nov-09 13:25:48

Thank you. Mindees are not allowed in the bedrooms or to touch his things without asking. He is not the type of child who plays in his room much, he likes to play on wii or computer which are both downstairs in the lounge. I have explained to him that if I went back out to work he might have to go to breakfast club at school and that grandma might have to pick him up from school and he says he would prefer that to how things are now sad. I think he would rather not have me here at all than have to watch me put other people's children first. I do have every weds off so that is one day after school there are no extras which is good. He is a lovely little boy but not very sociable. He has friends but has never really enjoyed playdates. I did try when he first started school but he just never enjoyed it much so I stopped doing it and he doesn't ask for it at all. Family friends that we socailise with on weekends and holidays he is ok for a while and then tends to go and do his own thing on his own. With all of this in mind I initaily thought cm would be good for his social skills but it's not working. Sorry to ramble on, I have noone in rl to talk to as live ina very tight community and don't want it to get back to any of my parents that I am considering packing in.

AboardtheAxiom Wed 11-Nov-09 13:40:55

Sorry to hear you are both finding it so tough. I childminded from my DS being 4 months to four years and stopped in the end as neither if us were enjoying it anymore for various reasons.

SOunds to me like he has been very honest with you about how unhappy he is with it all. What did you do before becoming a cm? Is it something you could go back to? Have you looked into what other childcare vacancies are popping up in your area?

Ramble away that's what MN is for. smile

holdingittogether Wed 11-Nov-09 13:59:17

Before cm I worked for a large insurance company part time. Grandparents helped with childcare. I hated the job but everyone else was happy. Got made redundant and decided to work with children. As ds3 was only 18 mths old at the time I decided on childminding. I have enjoyed it, learnt lots, completed NVQ 3. It has been very worthwhile from that point of view but I cannot bare to see ds2 so unhappy. Ds1 is older and much more sociable, gets on with anybody and everybody v easy going. Ds3 knows no different really. I have been keeping my eye open for childcare jobs now I have NVQ 3. There are not many vacancies at the moment but fingers crossed something suitable will come up soon.
We sat and both had a good cry together yesterday after mindees had left. I was thinking maybe to start some sort of reward system for him. maybe if he can behave nicely while mindees are here he can earn pocket money?

HSMM Wed 11-Nov-09 14:01:03

I have had this on and off over the last 9 years with my DD who is now 10. She has her own space and her own toys (as others have suggested), but overall, she has preferred the idea of me childminding, rather than going to a childminder while I go to work, so it has always worked out OK for me. Your situation sounds a bit tougher, so you need to decide what would be best for you and your DS - it may or may not be CM.

seeyounexttues Wed 11-Nov-09 14:13:31

Not sure if this is a good idea but if he says he would prefer to go an after school club rather than have to share you, could you do just that? For one term only, let him see what it would be like.

It is what would happen if you were to give up cm anyway, but this way if he hates it and realises that being at home with you (but with the compromise that the other children are around) is better then you can continue with they way things are.

You wouldn't have to close down your business for something that might not work out in the long run

ssd Wed 11-Nov-09 14:22:50

I gave up cm because my 2 were just fed up with constantly having other kids around their house

I think if it is really getting to your child you must have a re-think

saying "we only go on holiday because of my childminding" is a bit crap to me, surely you can cut down on the childminding and go to a caravan etc?

childminding starts to affect your family life eventually, I guess thats why most people quit

holdingittogether Wed 11-Nov-09 14:40:45

I think something needs to change for sure. The best solution would be for me to get a childcare/school job which would be school hours, term time only e.g. preschool keyworker or similar. These jobs are like gold dust so it could be quite a while before I secured a role. I am lucky that parents in law used to help with childcare and would be prepared to do it again so that gives me more options. In the meantime all I can do is keep my eyes open and give him as much support as I can.
I never expected the emotional clash I have experienced when looking after other people's children along side my own. Rambling again now.

potoftea Wed 11-Nov-09 14:43:57

I think what seeyounexttues said is a good idea. If you do go out to work he'll have to get used to a new situation and may not like it. So before you give up this job you could try out the new arrangements.

Danthe4th Wed 11-Nov-09 21:40:03

I only do after school care for one evening and thats for 2 children mine get on with. We have 2 other evenings that I have 2 under 2's, and then I have 2 evenings when I don't work.I don't do meals for mindees as mine didn't want to eat with them as it was a bit early.
You have to do what works for your family and at 7 your ds is old enough to compromise. Try to get 2 free evenings when you can finish a bit early and have a family meal, and if that means giving notice to someone you perhaps should consider it.
I had to give notice to a child that just didn't fit in after school, I came close to jacking in cm it got so stressful, but once he was gone and I try to concentrate on minding during the day its been fine.

Danthe4th Wed 11-Nov-09 21:42:46

I also only offer term time contracts with a bit of adhoc care in emergencies in the hols, I make extra money by babysitting in local hotels the money is way better and I do it when the children are in bed.

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