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(44 Posts)
littlemissunderstood Mon 28-Sep-09 21:42:58

We have a live in nanny. She has her own 2 bedroom annexe with a sep entrance but its attached to the house and shares the same driveway.

Been with us for 5 weeks and the children 11 and 6 are very happy with her.

Home is 40 miles away in Manchester. She knew it was a live in job 7 to 7 Monday to Friday when she took it.

First week when she was settling in she asked if her boyfriend could come up to stay for the night. Naturally we said yes. Since then he stays everynight.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off to come home at 8pm to find his car on my drive ?

DH says I am being silly but I think Its taking the p***

I even came home one evening to find him sitting on DD bedroom floor at 9pm reading her a story as nanny was babysitting. He is 49 by the way.

Mumsnet jury of seasoned nanny employers WWYD ?

magicOC Mon 28-Sep-09 22:05:49

Not normal for the boyfriend to stay over EVERY NIGHT.

Sounds like he is living rent free, what a cushy number hmm

Not surprised your Pd off, but, you need to speak to her about house rules. Surprised it's taken you so long to speak out TBH

Where you aware she would be baby sitting and so the boyfriend would have your LOs?

Not an employer BTW i'm a nanny.

nauseous Mon 28-Sep-09 22:07:29

They're taking the p*ss...

DrEvil Mon 28-Sep-09 22:14:35

we have an ap rather than a nanny but I certainly wouldn't be happy with the situation you're describing. I would also be very cross that if nanny was babysitting she hadn't asked your permission to bring the boyfriend too, after all, you're employing a professional to do a job, not some random you don't really know/ haven't interviewed.

If I were you I'd have to make it clear that overnight guests were occasional rather than permanent and that you would prefer her to babysit alone or ok any friends with you first.

thebody Mon 28-Sep-09 22:15:29

I wouldt tolerate this at all, after all you dont know the boyfriend from Adam and why would you want a stranger reading you dd bed time stories.

Dont understand the babysitting stuff, arnt you paying her to look after you own children?

Did she tell you at the interview that her boyfriend would be moving into your annex as well as her, bet she didnt.

time to talk I think..good luck

iheartdusty Mon 28-Sep-09 22:17:17

don't understand the babysitting thing - do you mean she was babysitting your DCs and he gave her a hand?

or she was babysitting somewhere else and left him to look after your DC?

either way I would not put up with it, but the second scenario would have her on a final warning.

'staying over' is not the same as 'moving in'.She is still under your roof even if separated as an annexe.

magicOC Mon 28-Sep-09 22:18:48

Oh, wonder if I missunderstood to OP.

I thought she was out elsewhere babysitting another family while her BF was watching OPs child/ren??

Summersoon Mon 28-Sep-09 22:21:09

I would be very uncomfortable at having him around your children - in DD's bedroom at 9pm? shock - you don't know anything about him, you haven't been able to check him out. In my opinion, that needs to stop immediately.

You then need to decide whether you mind if he lives in your annexe permanently. If you don't mind, you may wish to consider suggestion a variation on the contract, with your nanny being paid less in return for him living there rent-free. If you don't want that, you need to say that he is allowed to stay over only at weekends.
You may need to take legal advice because your ability to enforce rules may depend on the exact terms in your contract.

frakkinpannikin Mon 28-Sep-09 22:22:07

No way is it okay for her BF to stay over all the time. My partner would occasionally come and stay some weekends with me (separate flat) but I asked that at interview as wouldn't have taken the job without. He also occasionally came to babysit but again I asked first, he met my employers at interview because he dropped me off and picked me up and my charge adored him (and it turned out he knew DBs elder son anyway!). I wouldn't have dreamed of doing it without asking and if they hadn't been happy then I would have either not babysat the weekend (was always my choice) or if it was a Friday and they were stuck somewhere then he'd have just have to wait for me to finish first.

Time for a chat and possibly a quick skim through the contract to check whether this would constitue gross misconduct so if it doesn't stop you can fire her.

nannynick Mon 28-Sep-09 22:40:05

Staying Friday night may be acceptable... then he can take her away for the weekend, dropping her back on Sunday evening.
Staying everynight is not acceptable. You need to lay down some rules about how the accommodation you provide is to be used, plus with regard to babysitting that such babysitting is only to be done by her not anyone else.
Once you get to know her boyfriend (the age isn't really relevant, as you don't say how old your nanny is, she could be in her 40's as well for all we know) then you may decide that he is ok and can accompany her when babysitting - stay the weekend etc.

littlemissunderstood Mon 28-Sep-09 22:44:09

She is never around at the weekends. She comes back 7am Monday and leaves after work on Friday. We are flexible as to finish on Friday night. She is paid until 7pm but DH doesnt work on friday pm so for instance he let her go at 3pm last Friday and he did the school run.

Yes Dr eveil. Quite and at £24k a year as a nanny with many years experience I didnt expect this to be honest !

I am grateful for your replies. DH says I should look at the bigger picture. DC's are happy but i think its taking the piss. BF doesnt work. parents are very wealthy and he doesnt need too. I cant see that it will change unless I say no.

littlemissunderstood Mon 28-Sep-09 22:48:37

yes nn the age is irrelevant. nanny is 48 and has years of experience working all over the world.

Im too soft I know. Im just interested in your views. What would you expect as a nanny.

I dont want her to be lonely in our annexe every night but Im not a bottomless pit and its not my job to provide for boyfriend surely !

littlemissunderstood Mon 28-Sep-09 22:52:59

just re read this. We knew that nanny wouldnt we be in residence at the weekend. It was a monday to friday live in job for her which was fine with us but I dont think we should have to have boy friend here every night in the week.

madlentileater Mon 28-Sep-09 22:53:37

ask does he have enhanced clearance?

Millarkie Mon 28-Sep-09 22:58:30

I would look for a new nanny - she is taking advantage and I would therefore not trust her in other ways so I would have to ask her to leave (whilst you are still in the first few weeks and there are no hoops to jump through apart from giving notice).
TBH I would freak out at the thought of my dd having a strange bloke in her bedroom - I make sure my childcarers are CRB checked etc, I have no checks done on their boyfriends!
Also if he is hanging round in the annexe your power bills will be higher (showers,tv etc), is he eating your food as well? There is a big difference between expenses for one person and expenses for a couple!
Children are adaptable - never stick with a substandard childcarer just because the kids are happy - honestly they can be just as happy with a nanny who isn't taking the piss!

nannynick Mon 28-Sep-09 23:07:50

If he doesn't work, then he may also be around during the day.

End of the day it is a job. In most jobs you don't get your partner to come to work with you. During working hours, you call the shots. During non-working hours then your employee has more freedom... but as they are staying on your property, you still have some control - no all night parties.

Concentrate on what happens during Working Hours - during that time, do you want her boyfriend to be around? If not, then you need to tell her that. Working hours includes babysitting.

If my boss was unhappy about something I was doing, I would expect her to tell me. If appropriate we could then arrange to have a discussion about it.

At the moment, your nanny isn't being told that you are not ok about her boyfriend staying over regularly... so as far as she knows it's all ok. So you need to tell her it isn't ok and think about what you would be happy with... say if he was to stay a maximum of one night a week.

argento Mon 28-Sep-09 23:08:43

Being in her separate annex is one thing, being in your house with your children is totally unacceptable!

I totally trust my DP and know he is great with children, but I would never invite him into my work house or leave him with the kids as that's a complete breach of trust with my employer. Very unprofessional - nanny should know how inappropriate her behaviour is.

Millarkie Mon 28-Sep-09 23:12:09

Nope - I can't get over her letting him in the house and being with your dd - trust gone - wouldn't be able to leave for work without wondering what they were up to. (I am obviously so much more paranoid than the rest of you sane people!)

argento Mon 28-Sep-09 23:23:52

I agree with you Millarkie - of the nanny can't be trusted to know what is and isn't appropriate then she can't be trusted full stop. This isn't a case of her taking the children to MacDonalds.

littlemissunderstood Tue 29-Sep-09 06:47:47

he has so far left at 7am when she starts work and we have put a stop to him being here when she babysits although it is awkward to ask her now as I know that he will hover around in the annexe waiting for her to finish no matter how late it is.

We have always said to all our nannies and au pairs before that we do not place restrictions on visitors because we have the annexe but I have never had this before to be honest. Guess what will be in the rules for the next one !! even after 10 years of live in help I am still honing my rules and job description. Each one thinks of something that previous ones havent !

The next challenge is that DS told me yesterday that she had been popping home to see BF in the day ( 80 mile round trip in our car ). Took the mileage last night and we know what she does in mileage in our car for work so lets see what the next week brings.

Thanks for all you views.

StillSquiffy Tue 29-Sep-09 06:50:39

I'm not sure I am 100% in agreement with everyone here....

Reading DD a story is the huge surprise here - what nanny would ever do that without clearance from the parents first? That is just so so odd, and needs to be pulled up on.

As for the boyfriend staying overnight.... well, she hasn't actually done anything wrong, has she? She has just interpreted your permission to mean that it was ok on an ongoing basis. That needs to be resolved, but TBH I can see your 2 bed annexe being a draw for whatever nanny you hire, and a reliable (if lazy) boyfriend of X years (assuming it is a long-term relationship that they have) worries me a lot less than a having a 25 year old single nanny with a liking for local pub... but you need to work out where it is that you draw the line, and then communicate it.

Saying that, though, the boyfriend in the house is a serious breach of trust and I think the nanny has had lax/indulgent employers for a long time before you, and you need to decide if this breach of trust can be resolved or not. If not then cut and start again.

nannynick Tue 29-Sep-09 06:52:22

If you get her to keep mileage records for every trip made, that may help to suggest to her that you are concerned about the mileage being used and thus she may stop the trips (as to avoid being caught, she will have to fiddle the mileage records).

StillSquiffy Tue 29-Sep-09 06:52:24

Ah cross post.

Take back all the reasonable views I had before, and get rid. 'Popping back'? shock

Romanarama Tue 29-Sep-09 07:03:07

I probably wouldn't mind him staying in the annex, but would formalise it, including where he can park, asking for a fixed weekly contribution from him to bills, and getting him CRB checked and referenced etc. I would not allow him in the house or to share childcare in any way, unless he seems particularly appropriate to do that (we once had an ap whose boyfriend occasionally visited and the los really loved him - he would take them to the park and play football etc and it was great).

I would say to nanny that you know she is driving 80 miles a day in your car, which is fine, but not part of the job, so she will have to pay a mileage charge to do it to cover the petrol/depreciation in car value. It's normal to keep mileage records for work, I always had to.

TwoCupcakes Tue 29-Sep-09 08:51:07

very horrified at the thought of boyf in child's bedroom when he hasnt been crb checked and all the other necessary formalities. you hired a nanny, not her boyf. to me that is a serious breach of trust. you can let it go two ways - formalise the whole thing and review contract in light of your extra 'lodger' or get rid. either way, you need to communicate your concerns to your nanny though and have a chat about it so that she understands where you are coming from rather than let it hang over like a cloud. good luck

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