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settling in not going well

(12 Posts)
weevee Tue 22-Sep-09 22:58:19

My thirteen month little girl has just started at her new CM as I have returned to work. She has spent four full days there so far, and has been really miserable every day, crying, refusing food, refusing to nap, and insisting on sitting in her pushchair, screaming and struggling when CM takes her out to change her, feed her, or try to play with her or put her down for a sleep. She bats away any toys that the childminder offers her in the chair. The house gets quite busy at times as CM looks after 3 children during the day, plus another five before and after school, so I guess that could be the cause of the problem, but I think this is the case with a lot of childminders around here.
When I picked DD up the other day, CM was understandably becoming quite upset at my wee one's distress, she said she has not seen anything like this in seventeen years childminding, she said, "It's awful, she sometimes looks at me as though she really doesn't like me".... she (CM) is not throwing in the towel (so far), but I am wondering if I should. Of course I feel awful at what my wee darling is going through, but I don't know if this is what would happen wherever she went, as she really hasn't had much experience of being away from Mum and Dad and brother before... the last thing I want to do is put her through all this again somewhere else new. Tomorrow my four year old is going to take a day out of his nursery (at CM's suggestion, and with his happy agreement, in fact he will probably be using her school pick-up service soon anyway, if things settle with DD) to spend the day there with my little one, to see if his presence makes her feel a little happier.... anyone got any suggestions or similar experiences???? Please!

BradfordMum Wed 23-Sep-09 07:13:55

My you have a feisty little one!!
If the CM is willing, stick with it and Im sure you'll find that one day it will change and your Dd will settle and be happy. It IS hard, both on you and your CM, as nobody likes to see a kiddy in distress, but if you can, hold out a bit longer.

Good luck.

atworknotworking Wed 23-Sep-09 08:02:00

I think you will most likely find that your DD reacts the same regardless of where she is, so personally if the CM is willing I would stick it out something clicks all of a sudden and they do settle when they get used to the idea. Your DS being their will hopefully be her security blanket rather than the buggy,, if she can move away from the buggy and move around/join in I'm sure she will be fine.

HSMM Wed 23-Sep-09 08:12:56

Sounds like you have a good CM. She is talking to you about the issue and looking for solutions (great that she can have your DS for a day). She could have kept quiet and not told you and then just given you notice. 13 months is a tricky age and she will almost certainly settle very soon.

weevee Fri 25-Sep-09 09:54:19

Thank you so much. You're right, she is a good CM. DD is still a bit miserable, but is starting to venture out of her chair and eat... we are all going to keep going, feeling more +ve about things now. Cheers.

PinkChick Fri 25-Sep-09 11:50:40

through experience (im a cm) i would suggest the main thing is you keep talking to your cm it herself.. suggest things/be open to her suggesting different things.. 4 days is not long, but your cm may be finding your dd particulary hard because she has more children with her than she previously had..thats not to say she cant cope, but it is hard to maintain care of the others if one child is like this, she will also feel guilty about it , is there a day when shes quieter, because it might be better to swap temporarilly or ask to add that day for a few weeks to help her settle, tbh the cm needs to have the ability to get your dd out of the pushchair and 'try' to pretend she is ingnoring the upset, obv she wont be, but if your dd thinks by doing that she gets to stay in pushchair all day shell carry on and thats not good...we all have fantastic ways of changing the subject/distracting them, but she has to have the time/space/ability to do this for your LO...like i say, ask her what else she thinks and work together it might mean the difference between staying or having to find a new cm where your LO will most likely be the same..good lucksmile

LisaD1 Fri 25-Sep-09 14:25:19

Oh dear, they're little monkey's aren't they!

I'm a CM and luckilly have not experienced this, yet! but have done as a mum. My youngest (almost 2) was just like your DD at that age, I used to take her to a crech for a couple of hours a week so I could go to the gym, she used to do the same thing, sit in her pushchair and scream blue murder (I could hear her while I was working out, even above the noise of the gym equipment!). Eventually, we decided to leave the pushchair in the car, so I carried her and handed her to the lady at the creche, she still kicked off at drop off but within 10mins was totally fine. She will now go anywhere and doesn't bat an eyelid at being left (not that she is left very often as I'm around but if I need to leave her she will go)

I think your CM is doing really well by making sure you both speak about this issue, I'm sure you will get through it. I do agree that your CM does need to get your DD out of the pushchair asap and get her involved.

Good luck.

navyeyelasH Fri 25-Sep-09 20:44:17

Could you try dropping her off without the pushchair but giving your LO someting to replace it? Like a favourite book or toy etc?

Scarfmaker Fri 25-Sep-09 22:51:37

Great ideal navyeyelash - this would probably work for a while during the day - like drop off - it did for me - but then the childminder would prob have trouble during the rest of the day when using the pushchair to transport little one.

Four days is not a long time - I had one like this and it got to the stage where I just had to get her out and within a week she was ok and in the end didn't want to go back in the pushchair!

It's a case of give and take for safety's sake and for the benefit of any other children that are being looked after.

Beck88 Sun 27-Sep-09 11:19:46

Hi I am a registered childminder and last just over a year ago had a little girl start at 12 months.

She behaved in exactly the same way, she refused food and drink, she literally cried all day and wasn't interested in even being comforted. Everything I gave her she pushed away and during the whole day she didn't even sleep!
Everything was a battle and it was becoming a strain on the other children as she was not only taking all the attention but was disrupting their routines.
On a number of occasions I shut myself in the kitchen and sobbed whilst she sat in her pushchair screaming!!
The only think that kept her quiet was the tv and I wasn't prepared to have her sitting in front of it all day.

I tried everything to help her settle but the only thing that worked was time.
This had been going on for nearly 4 weeks and I told her mum I was prepared to give it another 2 before I would have to give her notice because I had the other children to think about and her little girl was clearly unhappy and it wasn't good for her to not be eating and drinking.

Within another week and she changed over night....literally, she came on morning and was fine all day, paticipated in everything and ate and drank with the others.

A year on and I'm so happy I didn't give up, she is the sweetest little 2 year old and I have kisses from her when she leaves and she is more than happy to wave to mummy from the door in the mrning.

The only problem I still found was that it took her a long while to settle for a sleep, when she went down for a nap she would often cry for an hour before nodding off but we got there in the end!

It's the hardest thing ever but in the end me and her mum got big rewards for our hard work xxx

weevee Sun 27-Sep-09 21:48:43

Thank you everyone. Yes, the pushchair has become a bit of an issue.... I will leave it at the CM because something that can be relied upon to calm DD is getting out for walks during the day. Also she was able to sleep in it a couple of times at CM's last week. Also I like to think it would be better for her to reach a point of deciding for herself to climb out....
Because of my work hours my partner has been dropping DD off with CM in the mornings, and in order to avoid a scene, I suspect he kind of propels her in the door (still in puchchair), quick cuddle, and off as quickly as possible. I will be doing drop-offs most of this week, so dd will definitely be starting her day out of chair, and I will advise other half to do make sure he does the same.
It's very useful to have this advice, it's helping me think everything through.... it's also occurred to me that the kind of problem dd and me are having might be a bit more common nowadays because more women are able to take 12 month rather than 6 month mat leave.... I think 12 month olds are a bit more militant about their care requirements than the littler ones.....

weevee Sun 27-Sep-09 23:08:36

Beck88 - I'm really relieved to see a CM and baby who have gone through something very similar... and survived to tell the tale! Fingers crossed this story will have a similar ending... cheers xxx

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