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CM "banned" DD for 3 weeks said she was "too defiant"...devastated.

(101 Posts)
eleanorrubysmummy Sun 20-Sep-09 08:17:28

My DD has been with CM from 3 months (now 3 yrs). CM said couldn't cope with her defiance anymore, considering not having her anymore, wanted a rest for 3 weeks. DD can be handful (spoilt ) but is basically happy & loving...Help??

aGalChangedHerName Sun 20-Sep-09 08:19:22


I am a CM and have never even considered doing this. In your position i would be giving her notice and getting a new CM.

Have you had chats about dd's behaviour and how she can best deal with her?

eleanorrubysmummy Sun 20-Sep-09 08:26:36

Oh that was quick, thank you! yes we seems that because DD sometimes runs off when out, won't put her shoes on when asked & messes about at meal times (sometimes)..we were so hard on DD when away from CM now I feel guilty. We have tried to do as CM asking, everything, but now it seems that all she ever says is negative.
We had a "big chat" and I eventually plucked up courage to ask if CM liked my DD...said she did and wanted her to be a "happy, sociable little girl" but I cannot get passed the feeling of anxiety now...I go to collect her asap, early if I can and constantly worrying if DD is going to be "banned" again

YeahBut Sun 20-Sep-09 08:30:59

Two distinct issues - a childminder that doesn't fit with your child and your dd's behaviour.
I'd tend to agree that you should look for alternative childcare. Even if you can sort out some of the behavioural issues that she finds difficult, I'd find it hard to maintain a good working relationship with this childminder.
So, even through parent-tinted spectacles, you think your dd is a bit spoilt. You need to get a handle on this. Spoilt, demanding kids are a pain in the neck, unfortunately, and you're not doing her any favours if you let it go on. (Sorry if that sounds harsh.)

aGalChangedHerName Sun 20-Sep-09 08:32:15

What stratagies did she put in place for dd? If i have had children doing these kinds of things ie shoes/mealtimes which imo is actually normal stuff,i would do a reward chart and lots of praise when she does it well.

I have minded lots of dc over the last 15 years and and have had children who were 'hard work' but i wouldn't say a 3 year old is defiant FGS.

FarkinBarkin Sun 20-Sep-09 08:33:08

Does your contract with the CM have a clause that allows this kind of thing? Is she still expecting to be paid.

3 weeks sounds like a strange time period to pick. Are you sure she isn't looking for some time off anyway and using this as an excuse?

Feenie Sun 20-Sep-09 08:34:09

She doesn't sound defiant to me - she just sounds 3!

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 20-Sep-09 08:35:52

I agree with Feenie.

I would be giving notice right now and taking her out immediately - ie pay the notice, don't send your child.

eleanorrubysmummy Sun 20-Sep-09 08:35:54

Hi Yeahbut...I know, I know...and honesty is appreciated. She is spoilt..not excuses but...older Mum (40), 1st n only, had awful preg, prem lab 29 weeks, then I had Puepral Psychosis (went mad!) so think I just over compensate! She's not awful but I am aware at times she's a handful, and truely I do give her close boundaries but we do not have the same behavioural issues that the DD almost always says pls & thank you with us (another issue )

preciouslillywhite Sun 20-Sep-09 08:37:23

I would sort of expect a child of three to mess about at mealtimes, run off and refuse to put her shoes on occasionally...maybe the CM should be looking at her techniques for managing behaviour??

On the other hand she's perfectly entitled not to want to look after an individual child...maybe you should agree to the three weeks off, but in the meantime work on your dds behaviour and try and find a "back up" childcare plan in case it goes wrong again when your dd goes back to the CM?

bigchris Sun 20-Sep-09 08:38:59

it sounds to me like nursery might be better for her
she would have lots if children to play with and more staff so the relationship with just one person wouldnt be so intense

eleanorrubysmummy Sun 20-Sep-09 08:39:57

When I compare her to other children her age, she DOES seem 3...but I'm such a late starter all my m8's kids are about 14 so I can't compare with them!!
You are all lovely to chat back so quick...I feel so awful about all this

Shoshe Sun 20-Sep-09 08:45:22

Find another CM!

I have been in Childcare for 30 years, and in that time I have had some, shall we say 'challanging children', I would never do as your CM has! Totally shocked!

3 year olds, no matter whether they are spoilt or not, are stubborn little monkeys, it goes with the age.

Your CM should have a Behaviour Mangement Policy, have you seen it, has she talk through with you, the way she is managing your DD, do you have a diary to see what is happening each day?

You do seem to realise that your DD's behaviour can be a bit difficult at times, and are adressing it, but you say she is not as difficult with you as with the CM, is she with other people?

Is she bored at CM's?

Would a Nursery be better at her age, would be more sociable, and you would get Nursery vouchers at her age.

eleanorrubysmummy Sun 20-Sep-09 08:46:25

DD returned 2 wks ago now...and we did attend to problem areas, now feel bad cos we were harsh on DD!!
DD has just started nursery and adores it! But again problem for CM...when she went to collect her, DD had been painting & was covered! CM asked me to tell nursery not to let her paint so late (nr collection time)so I did & then DD has been saying CM said she musn't paint so won't!! Has obviously overheard something!!
I just keep stressing & crying like a bloody kid!!

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 20-Sep-09 08:48:30

OFGS get rid of this CM.

Poor kid not being allowed to paint. And surely the CM shouldn't be dictating to the nursery????

EldonAve Sun 20-Sep-09 08:48:50

Find another CM or go for FT nursery if you need the extended hours

Shoshe Sun 20-Sep-09 08:52:19

OMG, how long has this woman been CMing for, she sounds frightful!

She should come here and see the state my mindees get in!

Put your DD into Nursery and get rid of this woman.

heavenstobetsy Sun 20-Sep-09 08:52:42

Your CM doesn't want her to paint near home time? WTF! Sounds like the CM wants a child that behaves perfectly and doesn't make a mess - don't we all but kids aren't like that! She is definitely in the wrong job .....

Seriously, I would find a new nursery or CM where your DD can be '3'.

eleanorrubysmummy Sun 20-Sep-09 08:54:14

I understand what Cm means about painting, I do...I mean if you got 2 other kids & go to collect one, then have to wash hands n face whilst others wait, I guess it is difficult but I worry my DD is being involved with issues she shouldn't she shouldn't be aware of this
I know I should change I think, but its so hard..have always trusted this CM & I can't help but worry if I get another will it go wrong there???

eleanorrubysmummy Sun 20-Sep-09 08:56:20

UH OH!! DD finally awake! I shall have to go but will log on later


Shoshe Sun 20-Sep-09 08:57:40

Just realised she has been with CM for 3 years!

She has had a HUGE influence on your DD's life and behaviour, if she hs been there that long, epecially if full time.

So how suddenly cant she handle it!

Sounds to me, as if its an exscuse, maybe she dosnt like doing the nursery run, do you still pay her while DD is at nursery? Maybe she isnt happy about having her hours cut if not ) I charge normal while under 5's are at pre school, but not all CM's do, cutting their income alot)

NOT that that is any exscuse if that is the case! Her own fault for not either charging or telling you and giving notice so that she could fill the space.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 20-Sep-09 09:00:27

You have to move your child.

This all sounds awful.

There are better other CM's around or up the nursery place.

RumourOfAHurricane Sun 20-Sep-09 09:03:40

Message withdrawn

purepurple Sun 20-Sep-09 09:05:20

I have worked with 3 year olds for 20 years and your daughter sounds perfectly normal to me.
The CM, on the other hand, does not sound very nice.
Is there no way that you can do pick ups from the nursery yourself?
I think your daughter will thrive in the nursery environment. Her needs are obviously not being met by the CM.

crokky Sun 20-Sep-09 09:06:52

I would not leave my child with someone who felt like this about them. I'd put her in a nursery - she is old enough for a school nursery or a daycare nursery. My DS (also 3) sounds very much like your DD and he is doing well at his school nursery.

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