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Would it be an enought good reason to give notice ? Please be gentle !

(25 Posts)
Summerfruit Tue 01-Sep-09 08:54:09

I have this little girl (10 months old) whom I have been looking after for 3 months now. She is still no settled, she cries a lot, everytime I put her on the floor until I pick her again, everytime I put her in the high chair for feeding time, she is ok when in my arms but I cant have her all the time in my arms. Beside her, I have 2 dds (5) and (2) and another little girl, which makes a total of 4 (during holidays). DD (5) became increasely stressed around this little girl because of the crying and even become stressed when this little girl is not here yet, example, Mummy, who are you looking after today ? Me : xxx, hence dd crying...I know it does take some times to settle a baby but the situation is really stressful. I'm really doing my best reg activities, including everyone, try to give everyone a bit one on one time but I'm clearly unsuccesful..This little girl is really affectionnate and cuddly but has a massive anxiety separation...What would you do ?

Summerfruit Tue 01-Sep-09 09:30:17

BUMP

crace Tue 01-Sep-09 09:47:42

Eek - You have given it a long time haven't you? Looneytune had a huge issue with this so hopefully she will pop by with some advice.

Hang in there - hopefully someone comes by with useful advice!

Summerfruit Tue 01-Sep-09 09:54:15

Thank you, it's kind from you to answer.. I really dont know what to do anymore, and it does affect me a lot !

2anddone Tue 01-Sep-09 10:00:04

Give notice and don't feel bad II had to when a mindee started causing my ds to be stressed when they arrived because of the constant crying Good Luck do whats best for your family ((hugs))

Summerfruit Tue 01-Sep-09 10:05:17

2anddone - thank you so much, I have been starting to lose sleep over it and being depressed..its a shame the parents are lovely but I cant carry on like this ! Thanks for the hugs, much needed

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 01-Sep-09 10:08:00

10 months is classic separation anxiety time.

How often do you have her and for how long?

overthemill Tue 01-Sep-09 10:10:17

have you spoken to the parent(s) about this? I would want to know if i was the mum. I'm assuming you are a childminder - is there any kind of support available via the children and families people at the council? Or via CMA? Or HV? My instinct is to leave the baby to cry a bit and praise/reward when she stops. OR bung her in a backpack, maybe.

But at the end of the day, you and your family come first and I guess this little one may need a different kind of care. Don't feel guilty if you give notice

Summerfruit Tue 01-Sep-09 10:11:36

3 days a week all day. I know it is typical from that age and I had it before and it got sorted at the end..I dont know why this time is different, I'm doing my absolute best to make her feel secure and the other little girls are nice to her..well just dd1 who is having big difficulties to accept the situation

Summerfruit Tue 01-Sep-09 10:14:57

Yes the parenst know about the situation, everything is in the diary but I'm trying not to be negative..its their first child and she has never been left before...She has a strict routine which I follow to the minute..I have tried to let her to cry and picked her up when she stopped for a cuddle but she can cry up to 20 minutes non stop, I can let her..

overthemill Tue 01-Sep-09 10:17:51

summerfruit, you poor thing! You have tried lots. Talk again to the parents and see if you can work out any other things to do

kys Tue 01-Sep-09 10:19:08

I had almost the same problem, i took on a 10month old and he screamed continually from 8am to 6pm every day unless i held him. My ds who's 4 asked me every day "have we got XX today" If i said yes he starting crying and saying "but i'm your boy not him,you never cuddle me when he's here, you hold him all the time" It broke my heart. I was v v close to giving them notice, But i decided to give it a bit longer.
It took five and a half months before he finally settled, one day he just came in, ran off and played and that was that. Now i've had him almost 9months and he's an absolute pleasure to have, great company and my ds loves playing with him.
I know that doesnt really help you with your problem but i just wanted to say that sometimes it does get better. Good luck

HSMM Tue 01-Sep-09 11:03:31

I had one that did this. Constant liaison with parents about coping techniques (he did it at home as well). We worked together, but it took about 6 months. You do have to think about the other children in your care, as well as your own children, so it is VERY hard. Anyway ... I still look after him and he is 5 now and although he is still a little more demanding than the other children, he is a lovely little boy and a pleasure to work with.

Speak to the parents. If they are not happy about him crying, or you can't come to a solution, or he upsets the other children too much, then you may have to say goodbye.

Summerfruit Tue 01-Sep-09 11:04:34

kys - It does help ! What I'm thinking doing is to see how things are when dd1 goes back to school..I dont want to give up but have also to give myself a deadline, to see how things are with dd1 and this little girl..Just before this little girl, I had a little boy who took 4 months to settle just before this little girl arrived..maybe it 's the accumulation of bad settler ! I dont know

Overthemill - I'm also going to approach the parents again !

atworknotworking Tue 01-Sep-09 12:30:24

Another one with a imilar situation, no tears just screamed the place down if he wasnt on your knee or if anyone left the room or moved slightly out of sight, by the end of the first week I was tearing my hair out, talked to mum and mindee did the same at home so wasn't because of the new environment (had the longest settling in in history, with mum tagging along) turns out mum carried him everywhere, took out of highchair to get something from kitchen at mealtimes then put him back in, even went to loo whilst he was on her knee. We worked together and did the same things at home and whilst with us. It worked out in the end but was a very rough few months, I too was ready to give notice, in the end whenever he started to screach we just said no, firmly and he would just stop. He now one of my favourites, a lovely little one and the other children love him now too.

danthe4th Tue 01-Sep-09 12:44:52

Have you tried sitting her in a buggy in the same room as you instead of putting her on the floor, also to have her bedding from home and familier toys. I'm sure you have tried everything, I think you need to tell mum its upsetting your whole family and would like to take a break, could she perhaps take a break for a month and then try again. It seems a shame to pass the problem on to someone else,some children just don't settle but most do eventually. But even children that finally stop crying are still stressed they just give up showing it. Mum needs to be aware. I would have a chat.

Summerfruit Tue 01-Sep-09 15:22:38

Atwork - I asked how she is at home and she told me she can leave her in one room, go to the loo etc..the tingh is, this little girl was never in contact with other children before from the moment she was born. Her parents were with her all the time until she came to me. You know I was so happy when this mum choose me to look after her, at the interview, I have really liked the 2 of them and I still do, just little bit desperate really ! Will definitely have another chat with the mum.

danthe - I have tried the buggy, that day she was so cross with me, she somehow managed to take her harms out of the strings (and still being attached) and was putting herself on the side, her head was almost ups and down..I'm going to the loo, she crawls screaming after me, I cook something quick, she stuck her face against the gate making it impossible to open...<<deep breath>>

leeloo1 Wed 02-Sep-09 11:20:03

I came on to post pretty much the same thing - except I was going to ask how long it takes a 10 month old to settle as this morning my mindee screamed so much that I have a headache and my poor (usually v placid) DS was whimpering and looking scared. So definite hugs from me!!!

She sounds v similar, parents never put her down at home (don't believe in it - fair enough as PFB) so she finds it hard here that I have to (when cooking, changing DS etc). She was fine when doing short settling in sessions, with/without parents, but now cries from minute she is put down/in highchair etc. To start with I tried picking her up and comforting her before carrying on, but it made her worse, so now I take a deep breath and sing or chat to them whilst she howls away... but its not easy and I feel so depressed about it all this morning.

Oh and I sent DH a text saying 'ARGH' and he texted back saying he'd sent me a helpful link - I just checked and its 'how to get outstanding from Ofsted' hmm bless him, but so not my 1st consideration right now!!

Thankfully she's now asleep but I so, so hope I'm not going to have 6 mths like this as I'll be round the bend by then!

leeloo1 Wed 02-Sep-09 11:21:13

I came on to post pretty much the same thing - except I was going to ask how long it takes a 10 month old to settle as this morning my mindee screamed so much that I have a headache and my poor (usually v placid) DS was whimpering and looking scared. So definite hugs from me!!!

She sounds v similar, parents never put her down at home (don't believe in it - fair enough as PFB) so she finds it hard here that I have to (when cooking, changing DS etc). She was fine when doing short settling in sessions, with/without parents, but now cries from minute she is put down/in highchair etc. To start with I tried picking her up and comforting her before carrying on, but it made her worse, so now I take a deep breath and sing or chat to them whilst she howls away... but its not easy and I feel so depressed about it all this morning.

Oh and I sent DH a text saying 'ARGH' and he texted back saying he'd sent me a helpful link - I just checked and its 'how to get outstanding from Ofsted' hmm bless him, but so not my 1st consideration right now!!

Thankfully she's now asleep but I so, so hope I'm not going to have 6 mths like this as I'll be round the bend by then!

Chica1912 Fri 04-Sep-09 12:26:47

Also had the same situation - my mindee took about 4 mths to settle. Again I couldn't do anything without him howling the place down. Anytime another child, especially my ds(same age as mindee) walked past him he'd scream. I kept up a discourse with the parents about it but they feel he is just a bit more sensitive than other children. I was at my wits end and about to give up when he started to settle down- he's now happy to play on his own and occasionally with my ds but seems happy and settled now. He's such a lovely little boy and I really didn't want to give up but dear god it was hard and had me in tears frequently after he'd gone home! If you can , stick it out but your children come first- after all I presume that, like me, they are the reason you started childminding in the first place! The fact that this does worry and upset you only emphasises what a good cm you are- don't feel guilty sometimes mindees just don't 'fit'.

dreamteamgirl Sun 06-Sep-09 23:54:37

Can I just say I think you are all amazing! No way I could have coped with 4-6 months or that. Awesome ladies honestly

Summerfruit Thu 10-Sep-09 10:05:15

Thank you all ! I just had her for 3 days and it was a nightmare, I actually dont sleep well at the moment as I still hear her scream in my head. I have tried to leave her a bit more on the floor and talk to her, explaining why I do that, what I need to do, I know she doesnt understand but I have just tried to make her secure..We had a meeting with the mum and she told me again how she is at home, how they leave her to play on her own without problems...I really dont seem to get it right.. sad..I have reached a point in which I'm really depressed now and carry on anymore. So my question is :
How should I express myself in the notice letter without hurting their feelings ?

Summerfruit Thu 10-Sep-09 10:16:45

bump

LadyMuck Thu 10-Sep-09 10:24:39

I would make the letter as brief and business like at possible - something on the lines of "It is with regret that I am having to serve 2 weeks notice of my intention to terminate our contract. I hope that you will be able to make suitable alternative arrangements."

But before giving them the letter I would epxin exactly why you're having to do this ie that it is having a very negative impact on you and your children. As parent i would also appreciate any pointers in terms of what childcare I should look for next.

To be brutally honest I would be less worried about the wording of the letter and more worried about how I was going to find childcare at short notice (assuming this is a pfb). If you can indicate any flexibilty verbally then I would (eg "I have to only give 2 weeks notice, but could wait up to a month if you were having difficulty finding somewhere"), then I'm sure that the parents would be relieved. That said I can totally see why you're on a countdown.

Summerfruit Thu 10-Sep-09 10:35:59

I have 4 weeks notice and will even extend it if need be..In my advice, they need to look for a nanny so she can be in her own surrondings, it may have a massive positive impact on her. Thank you ladymuck !

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