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Need a childminder & mum/nan unsupportive is this normal?(13 Posts)
Any advise would be welcome: Am lone parent (as of 8mths) had to give up working full time as had no one to mind my little ones. My mum minds them 3days, hav no one else. Have no choice to return to full time work, and hav found a childminder I really like, but my mum is unsupportive, says I'm mad leaving kids with a stranger, and I should simply giv up work! I wish, I only going back to work full time in order to keep food on table and roof over our heads. I'm shocked she's behaving this was and feel alone, as she's pretty much my all I've got right now. Is is usual that mum's act this way? Am I being stupid and selfish returning to full time work? I do think I'm doing what's best for my angels in the long run, am I though?
I can see that you're upset at your mum's reaction - but if she's minding your dc three days a week I think calling her "unsupportive" is a bit much. Do you pay her the going rate?
I take it you just need a minder for the other two days, or is your mum threatening to withold CM duties if you work full time? (That would be being unsupportive!)
Can you sit her down with the sums?
Ie: this is how much we as a family have left if I work p/t & you mind the kids, this is how much if I add 2 more days work & a paid CM.
I'm suspecting she feels a bit threatened by the 'proper' CM?
My MIL has looked after both my dds for a couple of days a week. She has been utterly fabulous & they have a very special relationship with her, but at 72 her daily routine (potter to local shops &/or playgroup, then watch telly, read, draw etc) is very different to CM's (CM is early 30s with young dc of her own, & a car & pretty much in perpetual motion betwen activities).
Can you big her up a bit & involve her in drawing up daily routine/likes & dislikes for the CM?
Is your mum stopping caring for your children, or is the CM just doing the additional 2 days?
Why does your mum want you to give up work... has she always been a SAHM, or did she work when you were young?
Would you say that normally your mum is very supportive of what you do? If so, has something got her back-up... are you somehow implying indirectly that she isn't good enough to care for her grandchildren perhaps?
Has she watched Benefit Busters (Ch4/4OD)... interesting to watch. The mums on that generally gained a great deal of confidence and self esteem doing their course and then finding work (even if it was initially unpaid retail work).
Can you get your mum to look longer term... how would you survive if you were a SAHM - I presume you would need to claim benefits... do you really want to do that, or would you feel better in yourself to be earning your own money (I suspect the latter is the case).
I think it's true: mums are not always supportive. I think you are doing the right thing. Good luck!
but the chilminder wont be a stranger after a few weeks .
Sometimes, (IME) grandparents resent children going to a childminder because they are worried that the child will have a better relationship with the c/m than with them.
They feel threatened, that the child won't love them anymore and often the child does have a better relationship with the c/m. I encourage grandparents to visit and see what is on offer, and assure them that they will always be special to their grandchild, but sometime a c/m is the answer because of what is on offer etc.
I personally do not think grandparents should mind their grandchildren full time, they have done their bot with their own children. Now is their time and time to enjoy themselves and do all the things they couldn't do when they had small children.
I have had several children come to me because the grandparent thought they could dod it all, but after a few months realise what a comittment it is, all day, every day, not seeing their own friends for lunch, golf, shopping, spur of the moment trips and holidays etc
I see countless grandparents pushing a child round town in a buggy, looking miserable and not talking to or interacting with the child. It makes me sad to see it.
Try and find a compromise, ask her to continue to do 1 or 2 days a week, saying you value what she is doing for you, but you need more care now and that it isn't fair to her for the various reasons I have mentioned.
I am a CM and Grandparents are very welcome to come and check me out if they are concerned about their Grandchildren. I always do my best to show that I appreciate their importance in the child's life. This does seem to help the parent who is returning to work.
Can I firstly say Thank you all so much for the response, you have all been helpful, and it's great to know I'm not alone in my thoughts. My mum was for most of her life a SAHM but now works on the days she doesn't mind kids for me (she's pretty tired most of the time). I don't want to be a SAHM, for one reason - I cannot afford it. In an ideal world maybe, yes it would mean claiming benifits, and that still wouldn't be enough. I love my little darlings, but I want them to respect me too, I'm well capable of going out and earning a living, so I feel if I can put a stable routine in place for them, wouldn't that be ok? I do think my mum feels threatened, but she's not a lady who I could broach that subject with. I know in the end she does only have our best interests at heart, but this year has been a hard one for me and the kids, I'd love nothing more than for her to support the idea of a CM, its taken a weight of my shoulders after making the decision to go this route. Maybe her meeting CM would make some difference? I'm so gratefull for all your advice.
I think that you and she might just have to accept that you won't always make the same choices that she made. You are two different people and of course you will sometimes have different views.
At the end of the day, this is your life and these are your children and you do have make the choices you believe are right.
And, of course, your mum probably needs to feel she still has an important place.
Also, you are very lucky to have her to help out. I have no familiy for miles and miles and I fork out a small fortune on childcare.
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