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That's it I'm going to kick DH out of the house, I'm fed up of him not helping.

(17 Posts)
Summerfruit Wed 08-Jul-09 13:12:18

Rant alert..Almost 2 years ago, I have decided I'll become a childminder. DH was enthousiast about, could see all the money I'll earn without having to send our dds to cm. He promised he'll help me with the houseshores..mainly, cleaning the kitchen after use, we do not have a dishwasher and cant have one...he's cleaning only when I asked him otherwise, he leaves it dirty and has no problem with it as he leaves for work at 7.30 for has been like this forever and I can't bear it anymore.This morning, I have started with a little boy who is settling..the kitchen was disgusting because dh couldnt be arse to clean. Mum brought her son saw the kitchen and was clearly disgusted. I didnt have time to clean it as I had the dds to sort out..I cant take it anymore.

KirstyJC Wed 08-Jul-09 13:20:05

I hear your pain...! I never understand why my DH just can't see mess??!!

Just tell him that, since he isn't helping, you need a cleaner - and then go out and hire one! He can pay for him/her with his wages.

You both work all day, and you look after your own DDs too. So, either you BOTH clean or he pays for someone to do his bit for him, since he can't do it himself.

Summerfruit Wed 08-Jul-09 13:27:32

We have someone coming every friday but its not enough, he cant expect eating the food I prepare and washing afterwards...I cant take it anymore, seriously..we had an agreement, he is just a spong who takes all the advantages of me working from home...he is a pig, I'm furious.

KirstyJC Wed 08-Jul-09 13:39:47

What does he say when you ask him to do his bit? Does he say 'you work at home so you should do it'? Or does he agree he will and then just not?

I hate it when DH says things like 'I do help you out' or 'I did the washing up for you' - IT'S NOT FOR ME!! It's for the family - dirty clothes don't belong to ME they are from all of us - so all of us should clean them.

Does he have to clean his office whilst he is working? (Assuming he has office job of course!) Would he expect to not answer phone calls because he is scrubbing the office floor? Would he postpone a meeting with the boss because he needs to do the dusting? I'm betting not - and neither should you have to clean your workspace. You are at home working - whilst you are at work you should not be cleaning anything unless it is part of your workday (eg kids washing up).

If he will not acknowledge that then he is being hugely unreasonable. Has he ever looked after your DDs on his own for any length of time? If he thinks you can look after kids properly whilst doing housework properly then he needs a lesson. How about going away for a weekend (see a friend or something) and leaving him with your DDs? Give him a list of household chores that he would expect you to do whilst looking after them, and then see what he has managed to do when you get back. And then remind him that you have mindees as well.

Summerfruit Wed 08-Jul-09 13:57:19

He does look after the dds, but always leave the house in a mess..if I go somewhere and come back, the kitchen will be disgusting and him will be seating on his fat arse and say he'll do it later...NO IT'S UNHYGENIC..I'm fed up I have lost the plot today..he is always reminding me that if we are in an expensive place now it's because we agree on me working 5 days a week..we also agree on him helping out more...I'm fed up I'm in tears, I hate him..He has been taking the piss too much..I dont want to childmind in these conditions..All you said above, I have told him 100 times...Thanks for your kindness.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 08-Jul-09 14:08:08

You have posted about this before so I think you have to make it clear to your H how things need to be or else no marital benefits, meals cooked, clothes washed, etc etc.

KirstyJC Wed 08-Jul-09 14:35:25

Agree with that! Make it clear what you expect and what will happen if not...then if he doesn't do it, you just leave his clothes in the basket (or floor!), don't wash up his things, don't pay his bills, post his letters, make his meals, or anything else you wish to withold!

As for him saying you only have that house because you work 5 days a week - that makes no sense at all!!? If he agrees that you are working 5 days a week how the hell does he expect you to keep house at the same time? How many pairs of hands/eyes does he think you have FFS?

Why not try making a rota - stick it up somewhere eg fridge, detailing the whole week. Block off - use colour or something visually clear - all the time you are both at work eg Mon-Fri, 8-6. Then split up the chores on the remaining times, and allocate it 50/50. Do one for each week, and tick off each allocation as it's done by either of you. When it's not done, highlight it. Once he has done several days'-worth of arse-sitting, show it to him and ask him to complete it.

Make sure he knows that your mindee's mum was horrified - ensure he knows if you lose business then you won't be able to afford to live there. If he says that you need your income to live there, maybe this will help him to see what he is risking by not sharing.

Oh, and make sure he understands that he is not HELPING - he is SHARING. It is not YOUR housework.

Summerfruit Thu 09-Jul-09 08:28:39

Hi all ! Sorry for yesterday's rant ! I'm better. I think DH realized yesterday how hard it is to maintin the house and looking after the children and how important it is for the house that it should be clean and tidy BEFORE the children arrive and. I had a little girl for settling yesterday, she didnt stop crying from the moment she arrived until the moment she left (apart from when she was sleeping). DH was here yesterday afternoon and he saw how hard it was and I think he got the wake up call he needed (I hope it will last!). Yesterday ev, he has done pretty much everything, cooking, cleaning, sorting the dds..obviously I don't expect him to do that everyday as you said it's all about sharing the shores. Hopefully, it's going to be alright from now on. Thank you so much for listening to me ladies !!!xxx

AtheneNoctua Thu 09-Jul-09 09:05:44

I know I'm a bit late, but I'd give him a ham sandwich for dinner every night until he decided to get up off his arse and clean. Or, maybe I'd give him nothing at all.

Or perhaps he could cook and you could clean.

Mtorun Thu 09-Jul-09 14:08:08

AthenaNoctua, you are kind to give him something at least, I wouldnt to be honest And if he is going to be .... then I would show him either kitchen or door!

I have one life to live and wont let anyone to upset me or take advantage of me!

AtheneNoctua Thu 09-Jul-09 14:51:29

I am not kind. I think I forgot to mention the rat poison.

Mtorun Thu 09-Jul-09 15:39:51

Oh yeah you certainly! did

LoveMyGirls Fri 10-Jul-09 19:23:38

I think we've all felt like this at one time or another tbh

I know I'm lucky with my dp but I did have to battle with him for me to get a cleaner, I couldn't make him see how much less stressed I'd be if I had someone to come in and make everything sparkling so I didn't feel I was fighting a never ending battle of mess. Thankfully he eventually agreed and I'm hoping he can see how much it's helped.

Scarfmaker Fri 10-Jul-09 22:01:28

Sorry to upset the apple cart, but as a childminder myself I can't see the point in having a cleaner just once a week. I couldn't have someone else coming in and doing my stuff. I have to clean etc. on a daily basis and do it as I go along.

My 16 year old is home now after doing his exams and it's hell on earth! I leave the place spick and span when I do school run and coming back from the toddler group at 12 it's like a bomb has hit - papers everywhere, shoes, wrappers, telly on and no-one watching it - the list goes on!

I really feel despondent at times but am usually still tidying up etc. at 9pm when my other two have finished all their dinners, showers etc. Then I do paperwork, read papers, go to bed at 12 usually and start all over again in the morning.

I'm not putting cleaners down (used to be one myself) in between office work and childminding but why pay someone when you can do it yourself? For instance, would my cleaner be able to come in at all hours of the day and tidy up after my own three? No.

SammyK Sat 11-Jul-09 08:20:51

summerfruit - hope he keeps up his end of the Household chores, I would be so mad in your situation to feel I might lose business from it.

Sounds daft but in the kitchen I found simple things helped me keep on top of it. So would always have dettol spray and a cloth on the counter to wipe crumbs etc straight away. I also put my washing up bowl in the cupboard under my sink so pots were ou of sight until I could get to them rather than cluttering up sinks and counters.

Your dh seeing a typical working day for you will have helped, but he may soon slip back into 'oh well DW is at home all day'. Don't let him. Have a chat about what each of you can do on a daily basis, allocate a couple of daily chores to him to keep on top of.

scarfmaker - I found when I was minding and had a young child of my own that although I would tidy as I went, there just weren't enough hours in the day to be doing a big deep clean. If I could have afforded a cleaner to do that once a week I would have!

nickschick Sat 11-Jul-09 08:25:09

Its always been like this in my house - and I didnt make a stand when I should have sad.

So now I'm just resigned to it.

Summerfruit Sun 12-Jul-09 11:17:33

Hi ladies,

Sorry couldn't log in, dont know why ! DH has been keeping the good work and he also giving me the whole week end off well without the dds so I can catch up on childminding stuff (and I have a lot to catch on sad..I'm going to do a rota, a list of chores we have to do everyday so BOTH of us know where to stand (well so he knows smile)...So far so good..I couldn't give up my cleaner..she comes on friday ev and does all the big jobs, deeper..It allows me to have a nice friday evening where both of us have nothing to do, it's important to me. Obviously as soon as the dds are up on saturday morning the house is trashed but oh well I have my friday ev free of shores !
Nickschick - it's never too late to make a stand, you are working hard between looking after children and the paperwork, we deserve the help ! xxxx

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