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Live in nanny job - am I invading their private time?

(25 Posts)
OliviasNanny Sun 15-May-05 00:10:43

I work as a live-in nanny to single father and kids aged 2 and 4. I love my job and feel so relaxed in the home, its wonderful.

After dad gets home at night, we all sit and have a little chat then he goes and makes his tea and the children play. Sometimes I stay downstairs in their company as we get along so well and feel welcome. The dad doesnt seem to mind at all and sometimes I end up sitting downstairs all night if dad gets a dvd in and invites me to watch it or if there is something good on tv. what my problem is, is am I invading their space staying down after dad gets home? should this be their private time together?

dinny Sun 15-May-05 00:11:59

sounds great to me, has anything been said/done ot make you feel it's a prob?

sparklymieow Sun 15-May-05 00:12:26

he proberly enjoys the company

Fimbo Sun 15-May-05 00:12:35

If you have a good relationship with the father, could you ask him?

hunkermunker Sun 15-May-05 00:13:07

Sounds like he wants the company if he's inviting you. Can you ask him if he'd rather have his own space in the evenings?

OliviasNanny Sun 15-May-05 00:20:01

he hasnt said anything to make me think he doesnt want me around and is full of conversation when I do stay down. Even if I go upstairs to my room, the little boy always comes and finds me to give me a hug and steal everything from my room! So, I think he might like the company really. Esp as most nights he asks if I wanna join him for a dvd or play on the playstation and every weekend asks me to join him for a chinese once the kiddies are in bed. I just thought all parents wanted private time with their kids without the nanny getting in the way!

hatsoff Sun 15-May-05 00:25:06

doesn't sound to me like there's a problem but maybe you could make a regular arrangement to do something else - eg go to the gym every wednesday/take up an evening class - that way he knows you'll be out on a certain day giving him his family time if he needs/wants it. you sound like a very considerate nanny

OliviasNanny Sun 15-May-05 00:40:16

thanks hatsoff

I do my own thing on saturday, sunday and friday afternoons when they often go to the beach and play centres and I go to the evening theatre at least once a month, although cant get out of the village after 6pm as there is no way of getting back as we dont have a taxi rank for 10 miles or so.

I love my job and i'm really happy i've found somewhere to call home. Its nice when you're employers are more like friends who you can relax around (he even lets me put my feet on the sofa and has said about me getting a small pet for my room) and the kids are like younger siblings to me. The boy was very shy and unwilling to get along with me for the first few weeks, then as I gained his trust he started following me around more and now he comes in my room at weekends to see im still there and is always giving me loves and kisses and chats away to me in his babytalk (he's 2 but has speech delay).

hunkermunker Sun 15-May-05 00:50:39

Sounds like you have a wonderful job and a fab boss, ON

Blu Tue 17-May-05 15:34:09

I am sure most parents who are couples would indeed value some private time, however, he's single. Be prepared for change if he develops a relationship...how would you feel about that???

motherinferior Tue 17-May-05 15:35:37

Also, please forgive me if I'm out of line, but keep your own boundaries in the friendship at a level which you are comfortable with. You don't want to feel you have to spend time with them!

uwila Tue 17-May-05 16:16:18

I think you are remarkable considerate member of that household. My most recent nanny behaved very much like the hired help and not at all like a friendly member of the household. I am married but my husband works away all week. So my situation is similar in that I come home from a long days work. And I would have welcomed a nanny who would hang out for a chat/movie/take-away and be my friend as much as my children's a carer. It sounds to me like your employer enjoys some adult conversation in the evening.

I have a new nanny starting in August and I hope very much that she can act more like a member of the household and less like the hired help.

ssd Tue 17-May-05 20:40:49

uwila, glad to hear you've got a new nanny!

tell us about her, age, where from etc etc. hopefully this will work out better for all of you and good luck with the impending arrival!

And enjoy your mat. leave as you know it'll fly by!

uwila Tue 17-May-05 22:27:57

Thanks, SSD.

She's 22, from Canada... Let's see. She's quite chatty/friendly so hopefully won't make a mad dash to her room and never talk to me the second I walk in the door. She has a background in childcare (worked in a ursery, etc.) so she has an understanding of some of the things I struggled with with the last nanny. For example she is familiar with the nanny diary concept and has already expressed willingness to keep one.

And, I THINK she understands who works for whom.

Lasvegas Thu 19-May-05 14:02:14

I work full time and DP frequently away on business. My AP collects DD from Childminder I get back home 5.50 and DD in bed by 7.00pm. I explained up front to AP that I want time alone with DD so when I get in she goes to her room. This is what I want as I find that when another adult is around I do the how was your day etc and before I know it DD is ignored. But even when DP is home before bedtime we never talk to each other even if a lot to say as we want to give DD undivided attention. I go out 3 nights out of 7 and AP goes out a lot also. We have a 2nd home we use often at w/e so hardly ever is AP in at same time as me, if she is she sits in her room. This suits me as if I'm not out for the evening I bring work home. I want domestic help though not a friend, each to their own.

curtains Thu 19-May-05 18:44:44

Lasvegas, this all sounds very cold and a bit negative.

And do you only spend 4 hours with your dd during the week? Sorry if I've read your post wrong, surely you must spend more time with her than that?

OliviasNanny Thu 19-May-05 19:08:07

I agree with you Curtains.......if I was your au-pair, LasVegas I might feel used and rejected but as u say, she is only there for domestic help, although she is a big and very important part of your daughters life, so surely u would want her as your friend as well as your hired help? If you were my employer I would surely leave as how would I be able to talk to my employer about any problems I have within the job if they arent willing to be my friend. If you understand?

HappyMumof2 Thu 19-May-05 20:12:38

Message withdrawn

NannyL Thu 19-May-05 21:17:07

so am i!

Im a daily nanny but if i was live in and treated like i would V soon hand in my notice!

I respect that my bosses ARE my bosses but we get on well and have friendly chats etc! and if i were ever to stay there i can assure you i would NOT be made to fell as if i should stay in my room

HappyMumof2 Thu 19-May-05 21:39:06

Message withdrawn

Tanzie Thu 19-May-05 22:51:58

Lasvegas! Even I am and by your post.

Blu Thu 19-May-05 23:07:51

Lasvegas- when I was an au pair (sort of - it was to help with farm animals rather than kids) the understanding was that i was going to live as an extra member of the family. I thought that was the principle of some money, limited hours work, language lessons, and life as part of the family. Could you not take your au pair with you at the w/e?
I do understand what you mean about wanting to focus on your DD when you get home, my nanny used to spend ages trying to catch up on all sorts of chat when I got home, with DS clamouring for some attention for Mummy, and I had to sort it out, but if your au pair is spending so much time in her room, it does sound more like a sort of 'maid' role than au pair! Perhaps it just came out that way.

UKMickey Thu 19-May-05 23:20:23

Lasvegas: Just thinking out loud here!! I though aupairs came to the UK for !!!! to be part of the family and to learn or improve their English. If limited adult/family conversation..how on earth can they improve !! as I say again just thinking out loud!

uwila Sat 21-May-05 22:57:10

LasVegas, you would get along very well with my old nanny. Trouble for me was I don't like having someone I don't know live in my house and then pretend she isn't part of it. I hated it. The whole point of having a live-in in nanny is so that I can get to know the person who controld the better part of my kids' lives -- oh well, the next one will hopefully live up to this expectation -- hopefully!

OliviasNanny Sun 22-May-05 11:52:39

Exactly Uwila! There are some lovely employers out there just like u!

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