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I don't know what to believe!

(16 Posts)
Missuseff Wed 10-Jun-09 15:03:05

My DS is 2 1/2 and very articulate for his age. He goes to a CM 4 days a week and I am really happy with her - she is very (sometimes TOO)professional but I respect and appreciate that. My son is happy and so are we. But he said something yesterday and I don't know what to think about it.

He recently has been really acting out, which we feel is just age appropriate, but wow, it is really frustrating for us and I am sure it is frustrating for the CM! He does it at home, he does it with her, he does it everywhere and we can't figure out what the problem is. He is usually very gentle and non-aggressive but this week when I've picked him up from the CM she's told me that he's been picking fights and pushing two younger girls over.

Her stated behaviour management policy is to say no and remove him to the edge of the room until he apologises (a mini timeout) which we also do. However when I was talking thru with him yesterday about the pushing incident, I asked him what CM did when he pushed the little girl over and he said "CM pushed me down. I fell on my bottom. She not say sorry" I asked him again in a relaxed way what she did and he repeated himself, then said "CM smacked my bottom. Ouch. She not say sorry. Not do smacking!"

Now. I of course KNOW that toddlers blur reality and truth all the time. I also know that this is normal. But we do not hit him ever, and while I can't believe that this young woman would hit him, at the same time I am wondering where this come from??

So my question is, if this happened with your toddler, what would you do? I do not want to offend her by asking her but at the same time, he offered it unprompted and clearly and I would hate to be wrong...

[hmmm]

spookycharlotte121 Wed 10-Jun-09 15:10:00

im not sure what to suggest but couldnt let your post go unanswered.

Is there like a help line or something you could call who could give you advice? I dont know if any such thing exists.

Missuseff Wed 10-Jun-09 15:13:29

Me either - but I'll try anything! I know if I ring CIS in my area they'll just suggest I raise it with her.

I was wondering if any CMs reading this had a view, if they would be offended if a parent mentioned this to them in a very neutral way, not like "OMG DID YOU HIT MY BABY "£$%^&!!!!" but more like "DS said something which I felt I ought to let you know..."

So hard!

nannynick Wed 10-Jun-09 15:13:38

Where has he got the wording from? To say phrases like that I would suspect that he has heard those phrases.

Is he happy to go back?

Have there been any changes recently at home, or at the CM's which may explain the change from being non-aggressive to being aggressive?

I think you have to mention it to her, for your own peace of mind. As a cm, I know how 'challenging' the terrible 2's can be but it is totally unacceptable and against the law to smack a child in my care. I deal with it through time out and distraction.

It may be that when they've been out and about he has seen a child being smacked by a parent - you need to ask her.

I would hope that my parents would feel comfortable enough to raise such a concern with me.

stealthsquiggle Wed 10-Jun-09 15:24:44

I would ask the CM, personally.

I shudder to think what my 2.8yo very articulate DD reports to nursery since she has been known to say things at home like "Mummy you hit me. Get off me Mummy" - I do not hit/smack her and neither does anyone else!

As for where he got the wording from - older children at CM, maybe? DD started in on DS(6) this morning with "Stupid boy. Don't do that. You've been told" - Now individually those are words which she has heard, of course, but I would never put them together like that, but I am sure that is not the conclusion that someone else would reach if they heard her sad/

atworknotworking Wed 10-Jun-09 15:26:05

You should speak to your CM about this, otherwise every little thing that happens from now on will make you think twice, your'e right little ones often repeat things they have seen or heard and sometimes totally make things up out of the blue, I have 1 2.5yo that I mind that takes great pleasure telling daddy that he's been naughty as soon as he walks through the door, of course he hasn't he's a complete angel grin and never gets in trouble at all, but to him it's funny cos daddy pretends to be all stern and serious, and we never use the word naughty we say challenging hmm so yes children often make things up and often they tell the truth you know your child better than anyone, if you are concerned enough to post on here I reckon you have a niggle, especially with his change in behaviour.

Just a thought has CM had any new mindees start, sometimes this can be unsettling.

Good luck

tensing Wed 10-Jun-09 16:11:56

Is it possible that in moving your son away from the little girl, he has fallen over, so not so much pushed him over as he feel over.

HSMM Wed 10-Jun-09 16:32:29

I am a CM and once a child accused me of smacking her (I didn't). The parents spoke to me about it, because they were naturally very concerned. They believed me (thank goodness) and I apologised to the little girl saying "I'm sorry if you thought I smacked you, but I promise I never will smack you", as she obviously felt aggrieved about something. 3 years on, I am still looking after her and we are all happy with the arrangement. Your childminder should not mind if you speak to her about this. You should be able to tell by the look on her face if your child is telling the truth. If nothing happened, she will probably look very shocked, as she could lose her registration over an allegation like this. We are NOT ALLOWED to smack.

Missuseff Wed 10-Jun-09 16:38:11

Thanks, all appreciate being able to post about this.

She minds together with someone else in a very lovely purpose-built conservatory in her house so there is always a change of other children around (especially with the credit crunch) but maybe he's is reacting to the fact that he is now the oldest and "stuck" with younger ones only, most of whom do push and don't speak due to their age...? good thought.

And yes, his interpretation of events can be... creative at times! I keep waiting for him to tell me in public to "stop farting around" wink. But when it comes to pushing or hitting or anything, that is quite clearly a no-go behaviour which we don't accept and so he while he would have heard us say "no hitting" or "no smacking", he definitely wouldn't have heard us say anything about hitting bottoms as punishment.

he also is quite fastidious about the fact that you DO say sorry if you do something wrong (make a bad choice), which was why his whole "she did this and she didn't say sorry" made me take note of what he'd said.

I'm going to see what he says today/tomorrow and see how it all "feels", then maybe say something casually. I just wanted to be sure that in principle, provided I said it in an open way that a CM wouldn't in theory feel insulted that a parent of a toddler questioned something their child had said.

Missuseff Wed 10-Jun-09 16:39:18

thank you HSMM!!!! I really appreciate that!!

ProfYaffle Wed 10-Jun-09 16:39:28

Agree with tensing that he may be mis-interpreting something that actually happened. Apparently when I was the same age my Mum tripped up and knocked into me, I went round telling everyone that she's pushed me over! blush

In your shoes I'd raise it with the cm in the manner of 'ds says there was an incident with x yesterday' or whatever, take it from there.

frAKKINPannikin Wed 10-Jun-09 17:30:51

My 7 year old takes the slighest contact with his person as some form of aggression. If you believe him then his friends, teacher, parents and I are all regularly beating him up. He also tells us we're lying if we say we said something he ignored or didn't hear earlier and then carry it through, and he has a sorry entitlement even when nothing has happened.

I'm not saying your CM is in the right/your DC is wrong but it definitely needs talking through and dealing with or it might snowball to what I and everyone else involved with my charge are dealing with now. Children need to learn appropriate ways of interpreting events and discussing things they misinterpret is one way this happens.

Equally if your CM has smacked then it's horrifying and you need to deal with that. Also she may have lied to you about what happened and the way she dealt with it.

Hope you get this sorted.

JenniPenni Wed 10-Jun-09 18:35:41

A mum asked me this the other day - she said ''X said that when Y made a wee in their pants I got very cross with him''.

Absolute nonsense of course, and thankfully mum knows me well (have been looking after her kids for 2 years) and we both looked at X and I said 'X when did I get cross with you?' He got this playful look in his eyes, and looked embarrassed and said 'I was only pretending'. Everything is 'pretending' lately. It's their age. They don't realise the ramifications of these stories though unfortunatly.

I would mention it to your CM, yes. Guage her reaction. It is most likely a little story/misinterpretaion of what happened.

Oligo Wed 10-Jun-09 19:19:54

Do talk to her. It's not as if you have led him to say this about her. It's not an accusation but just telling her what he said.

Perhaps he's totally forgotten it now and this isn't fail safe anyway but you could get puppets/teddies/dolls/cut out characters and get him to recreate incident i.e. show DC pushing girl and say 'then/now what? show me' to help see if he was just saying words, or if he muddled the peoples names e.g. who did what to whom etc.

I know he's young but tell him if someone smacks him (or anyone else) 'like that' (show on puppet) he should tell you.

Possible it could have felt like a 'smack' when she removed him and sat him down at side of room. Especially if cm changed to a stern attitude.

Missuseff Wed 10-Jun-09 21:58:57

Thanks, all. I think I will take the approach you suggest, JenniPenni. I also like your modelling idea, Oligo - will try that, too.

Gawd these boards are such a help!!

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