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Am I silly to be upset over this?

(35 Posts)
hollynanny Mon 08-Jun-09 17:10:52

I am going away with the family I work for to help out at their wedding. I`ve been working for them for almost two years now.

They`ve booked me into a really crap room at a nearby hotel- it doesn`t even have a bathroom attached to it- I need to walk down the corridor to reach the public bathroom shared by a few other rooms. Most of the other rooms at the hotel do have en suites.

I haven`t been invited to the actual cermony or reception either.... am I just being silly and taking it far too personally? I know I probably am...just makes me feel a bit under appricieated.

Ivykaty44 Mon 08-Jun-09 17:13:51

Don't take it to heart smile

Weddings are really expensive for guests to attend and putting you in a hotle without on suite isn't personel

LIZS Mon 08-Jun-09 17:15:57

Seems a bit tight - what is your role on the day ?

Littlepurpleprincess Mon 08-Jun-09 17:19:19

mmmm the hotel wouldn't bother me but not being invited to the wedding would. esp if you've worked with them for 2 years.

hollynanny Mon 08-Jun-09 17:21:33

Will be looking after my normal two for a few hours in the morning, waiting in my hotel till the actual wedding is over. will then be collcted and taken to the reception where i will look after various children till about six, will then be looking after two babies at a relatives house till the early hours of the morning. will also be working thurday, friday, friday evening, saturday, saturday evening and sunday morning, so the only free time i have is thursdy evening.

bigchris Mon 08-Jun-09 17:23:31

well presumably you couldnt be invited to the wedding because your babysitting all those children?!they probably have booked all the nice hotel rooms up for family
does sound horrendous though, can you get out of it somehow, or ask for more money that day/week?

LIZS Mon 08-Jun-09 17:24:06

Sounds very complicated , do you know all these kids ? I assume you are being paid and transported back ?

bigchris Mon 08-Jun-09 17:24:39

sorry just rewalised you wont be actually babysitting during the ceremoney, yes you are right to feel peeved but maybe they thoght there wouldnt be enough time for you to get ready for the wedding as well as do all the other stuff you have to do?

helsbels4 Mon 08-Jun-09 17:29:45

I think you need to communicate with them and tell them you're not happy!

Maybe you've gone along with everything and they think you're fine with it.

Talk to your employer and tell her how you feel about it all and see what they say.

It does sound as if you're being expected to do quite a lot. Hope they're paying you well!

thebody Mon 08-Jun-09 18:03:51

I think it all sounds a bit strange, didnt you know before this that you werent a guest but a helper?
I think you should shore up a few details such as pay and whats expected of you, as you dont seem to be in the loop.
Dont be upset, though I can understand your feelings, they may have no idea you were expecting to be invited.. time to talk I think..

apotomak Tue 09-Jun-09 02:39:42

Whose wedding is this? Is it the couple you're working for that is getting married?
If yes then I do think it would be a bit odd not to invite you to the ceremony. If it's a family wedding (but not theirs) I would not expect to be invited ... I'd treat it as a job instead ... do what I'm supposed to do and get paid.

sunnydelight Tue 09-Jun-09 03:49:25

I'm not sure why you're upset tbh, this is your work not your social life and presumably you have agreed to it. You do need to make sure you get paid enough though; one person to cover all the childcare they seem to need for that length of time isn't much - will there be other nannys there helping out? Are they paying you extra per hour or per child? If you are not happy with the arragement say so beforehand rather than letting it reach crisis point once you're there.

SofiaAmes Tue 09-Jun-09 06:40:49

I think it's odd that the person that they entrust with their children's well being, isn't considered worthy of attending their wedding. I would also insist on a hotel room with ensuite bathroom.

Squiffy Tue 09-Jun-09 09:27:29

Sofia, sorry, but you are nuts.

A nanny is an employee. At work, I can't remember getting miffed at not being invited to the Chairman's wedding when he got married. Where on earth does being a professional who competently does a valued job entitle someone to an invite to a wedding? Nowhere.

I absolutely adore my nanny and have said so on these pages many times. She is brilliant with my children. But we have a professional relationship, it does not mean we are lifelong buddies. The people I got married with are the people I hope to still be great friends with in 30, 40 years' time. Loving somebody's ability to care brilliantly with my kids does not mean that they are automatically going to be a great friend of mine. And to be honest, my current nanny would be bored rigid spending a day with my friends.

Hollyn, yes, I am sure it would have been lovely to have been invited to the wedding, but that's not the relationship you have with your host, and you are there to work. So long as you were given the choice of doing this work or not, then I don't think you should get uptight about it(and FWIW I strongly believe that the shared bathroom thing entitles you to have said No if you didn't want to go - assuming of course this shared bathroom thing is for the whole week that you are talking about?). Last Saturday I went to a ball with my husband at a place where he played rugby before I knew him. I didn't know a soul there, had nothing in common with the wives and girlfriends, and spent much of the evening being bored to tears by the wife of the coach (who at one stage gave me a blow by blow account of the transferring of koi carp from one garden pond to another). It is really shit going to events like this where you are not 'one of the gang'.

And of course, the close family will have taken all the best rooms. That's what happens at weddings. And it is nothing to do with you. You would do the same if it was your wedding, especially when people are spending shedloads of money coming from all over the place to be at the wedding.

I would try to ignore any feeling of being slighted, and treat it as just part of work, nothing more, nothing less. Not being invited does not mean they do not hugely value you and your role. Maybe the mum has been a bit insensitive in not realising that you are feeling slighted, and she should maybe have had a chat with you about it all, but in the heat of wedding madness there are a thousand things that slip through the net.

pinkdelight Tue 09-Jun-09 09:38:31

Agree with Squiffy, except I don't see what the big deal is about en suites. Perhaps I'm just a pauper, but when did it become essential to have an en suite? Most of the world manages fine without one. It won't kill you to share a bathroom for a few days, will it? And if it really is beneath you, then pay difference to get an en suite somewhere else.

AtheneNoctua Tue 09-Jun-09 13:24:57

Yes, you are being silly. The entitlement culture gone mad.

JenniPenni Tue 09-Jun-09 13:31:46

You're an employee, so have to take what room they pay for I think. Plus as mentioned, the best rooms are probably all gone to guests already. You're there for the kids, not the adults or yourself.. it's a working arrangement.

SofiaAmes Tue 09-Jun-09 14:54:04

I am sorry that in your disagreement with me you feel the need to call me names. That is the kind of thing that I teach my children not to do. Clearly we have a difference of opinion not only on how to treat the person who cares for our children, but how to treat the human beings we come in contact with in the world around us.

I do not agree that the intimate relationship that a nanny has with her/his family is the same as the one that an employee of a large company has with the chairman. However, there is room in this world for all types of people and all types of employers and employees. Hollynanny is free to choose another employer or to stay. I'm sorry she has been upset.

PS. How do you transfer Koi carp from one pond to another?

MatNanPlus Tue 09-Jun-09 15:23:22

carefully Sofia

Holly if this was all explained at the time then you have to lump it personally, if it wasn't / or things have changed then you need to speak up.

I once accompanied a family on holiday to find that due to a hotel mistake both babies would be in my room as no room in Parents room for 2 cots and double bed ( my room had a single) i just got on with it, nothing the parents could do at 8pm at night and we all survived the 10 days.

littleducks Tue 09-Jun-09 15:37:17

I would not be happy about no ensuite. i would never book a room like that for myself so would be peeved

carovna Tue 09-Jun-09 15:47:52

As Sofia said, there is a difference between employer-employee relationships in an office environment and relationships between parents and nanny within a family home. I would hope that all of you with nannies and au pairs at home can actually recognise the difference.
With regards to the OP, I understand her feelings totally. She has gone out of her way to give up her life for a week and help out the family with their children and other children at a wedding. In return she will get a crappy room in a hostel type of establishment, possibly a higher hourly rate, maybe 2 pounds more than a normal hourly pay (but wouldn’t hold my breath on that one) and sit at that crappy room during the wedding itself.
It does sound rather uninspiring to me.
I am not sure how many of you going on business trips would be happy to be placed in a hostel instead of at least 3 star hotel, so why should the nanny feel satisfied with the choice.
I wouldn’t choose to stay in a hostel (with no ensuite) myself when I go away so why would I want to when I’m away for work. Then again I would be more understanding if I was told that all rooms with en suites are booked out and obviously wouldn’t expect to be paid for a night in Hilton. But don’t automatically assume that I am happy with it, just because I’m an employee grateful to be working for you and therefore should keep my mouth shut.

Squiffy Tue 09-Jun-09 15:48:08

MatNanPlus - that is the kind of hotel 'mistake' that some perents might pay very good money for grin

Sycamoretreeisvile Tue 09-Jun-09 15:48:47

I think it's a bit mean not to give you an ensuite or at least your own bathroom. I think it's reasonable for your employee to provide like for like accommodation when you are away with them as that you enjoy in your own home (or there's if you live in)

The issue of attending the wedding is different though. Do I expect my boss to invite me to their wedding? Not on your nelly! It doesn't matter that a nanny is a more intimate job, parents have no choice about that do they? Why should they pay out for another meal head count, more drinks etc. Why should they have an employee they've only known 2 years at the most intimate day of their life?

It is NO reflection on you at all, or how fabulous they think you are. It's about drawing a boundary between the personal and the professional, which is perfectly reasonable. They might not want you privvy to the emotion of the day, the details of the best man's speech etc!

Try not to get hung up about being left out. That bit is fine. I would be a bit miffed about the hotel though...

plantsitter Tue 09-Jun-09 15:56:22

Presumably also you have been spending the weeks leading up to the wedding getting excited about all the arrangements with the family. I can see that having to hang about in the hotel room is hurtful. I don't think this is a misplaced sense of entitlement,I think it's a perfectly reasonable wish to have your feelings considered. You'll have to say so, though.

MatNanPlus Tue 09-Jun-09 15:58:24

Indeed Squiffy tho i this case it was unavoidable but i have often accompanied my families on holidays and had the babies with me, in essence a normal work day in sunshine and on hand catering as for sleeping, usually no get ups either

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