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New nanny comment

(51 Posts)
noviceoftheday Sat 06-Jun-09 08:06:40

My new nanny started a few weeks ago and I think she is great with DD (who is a few months old). I can't emphasise enough what a good job she is doing, and she goes out of her way to do extra things for us as well. Totally unasked and definitely not expected from us, but very much appreciated. However,I am finding that she doesn't necessarily put herself in my position and/or doesnt appear to be very sensitive to the fact that DD is my PFB, and that I have had to go back to work relatively early. While she doesn't know that I was dreading going back to work and spent the previous week crying about it, I would have thought that for a very experienced nanny that she would have been aware that its not easy thing for most mothers to leave their babies and go to work. There are a couple of little things that she has done that are just insensitive (e.g. at the end of the day, I seem to have to wrestle my baby off her when I get home) and yesterday as she left for the day (early, because I had come home 4 hours early), she said "Your mummy is taking over from me. I am leaving you to play with mummy. That will be odd won't it?". It just left me feeling v upset as she seemed to imply that it would be a novelty for DD to spend time playing with me. My husband says that I should just be grateful that she really likes DD and really goes the extra mile on everything and not let these little things upset me. Am I being overly sensitive? Is this the kind of unfortunate comment that nannies just make sometimes?

hercules1 Sat 06-Jun-09 08:10:57

I was prepared to say you were being a bit pfb but you're right, those are odd comments and would make me a bit hmm.

Tamarto Sat 06-Jun-09 08:11:10

It wasn't an unfortunate comment, it was true. hmm

You are being way too sensitive IMO.

Some mums find it easier to leave their children than others, if you haven't told her how is she supposed to know?

Regarding the wrestlinghmm the baby from her maybe she thinks you want to get changed etc before taking over?

Tamarto Sat 06-Jun-09 08:12:41

OH I though you were saying that is an odd comment, not that she said that will be odd about you taking over. That is a bit weird.
Not awful though.

moffat Sat 06-Jun-09 08:13:03

She does sound insensitive, but some people are really not that perceptive and have to have things spelled out for them. I think in the context of how great she is with dd I would let these comments go, but I think you should perhaps say clearly that you are sad to be leaving her and how glad you are to be with dd and how much you have been looking forward to it. Are you naturally quite reserved?

PuppyMonkey Sat 06-Jun-09 08:13:36

A quick five minute chat about how difficult you're finding it all will probably sort this one out won't it? Well, try it at least and see if things improve?

CrushWithEyeliner Sat 06-Jun-09 08:34:34

I think you have to let this one go. YOu say she is fantastic, just focus on the positives and be happy she is so dedicated to your child. It is really no biggie. She probably has no idea she said anything wrong. I personally wouldn't say anything at this point.

Millarkie Sat 06-Jun-09 08:46:48

The comment would make me fume! It sounds very judgemental (Mummy doesn't want to spend time with you, rather than, Mummy has to work) - I would want to raise it with her and ask about her attitude towards working mums. Believe it or not, I have seen 'conversations' on nanny forums and the like, where some nannies obviously disapprove of mums leaving their babies to work, and I would not want to employ one of them. (There are plenty of nannies who understand that parents need to work and that their job is to support the family, not undermine it).
As for having to wrestle the baby from her, plenty of mums like to have 10 minutes or so to get themselves changed/recover from their journey before getting baby back in arms I think you need to tell her that when you come home you want to 'take over' straight-away.

SammyK Sat 06-Jun-09 08:47:57

I think you just need to sit down with her and explain that you find it upsetting going to work and leaving your dd, and that you can't wait to give her a big cuddle when you get in. Ask her to make it a positive handing over. ALso let her know you are pelased with her work overall as she does sound good in over ways.

She maybe thinks you are fine with it and have a thicker skin than you do. If she is going out of her way in every other aspect this is probably something that just needs communicating and clearing up.

willowthewispa Sat 06-Jun-09 08:48:25

I guess she's probably never been in the position of leaving her baby, so maybe she isn't aware of how hard you're finding it? It's understandable that you might be a bit overly-sensitive to her comments if it's an emotional time for you too.

nannynick Sat 06-Jun-09 08:56:54

A nanny isn't able to put themselves in your position usually, as they won't have had to leave their child in someone else's care.
As a nanny who doesn't have their own child... I don't know what it is like to leave a PFB with a carer.

"She doesn't know that I was dreading going back to work and spent the previous week crying about it."
Maybe you should tell her that. Maybe now that your nanny has been with you for a few weeks, it would be a good opportunity to have the first review of how things are going. In that review meeting you can say what you feel is going well, what you feel isn't working quite as well as you would have liked (such as handover at end of day) and also ask your nanny what they feel is working, and what isn't.

"Your mummy is taking over from me. I am leaving you to play with mummy. That will be odd won't it?".

Agree that saying that is odd & insensitive.
Suppose it is nice that she is communicating with your baby (even if baby won't understand) and she is referring to you as Mummy.

Staff can make inappropriate comments at times. Try not to let it upset you, but do keep an eye on it and if necessary remind them that leaving your DD in their care is not easy for you.

Good luck. Stick in there... the first few months of having a nanny (or for a nanny to work with a new family) can be a rocky road. It takes time to settle into a job... and it takes time for parents to get used to leaving their child/children with a carer.

nannyL Sat 06-Jun-09 10:22:47

I agree you are over reacting.

she didnt day anything wrong IMO... it is true.
when i leave i almost always tell the children "daddy is going to look after you now" and young babies and children can and do occasionaly not want to leave there nanny.

I have had my charges cry in the morning if mummy (rather than me) goes in, and want me over mummy.
Thats can be just how it is when you ask someone else to care for them for most of their waking hours.

If you choose to go back to work you just have to accept it and get on with it.

"Your mummy is taking over from me. I am leaving you to play with mummy" i dont find that off at all.... she was communicating what was happening to your baby...

frAKKINPannikin Sat 06-Jun-09 10:33:58

I kind of agree with nannyL but think she should have been more sensitive. She's acknowledging that it's a break in routine and not necessarily what the baby was expecting (it's odd for mummy to be home in the middle of the day) but there are better ways of saying it. Maybe let her know that you were dreading going back to work and are pleased that she's bonded so well but you wish you could be home/miss DD a lot/really look forward to spending time with her when you come in.

Millarkie Sat 06-Jun-09 10:38:50

It's the phrase 'That will be odd won't it?' that is the upsetting bit IMO, just explaining to baby that Mummy is taking over is perfectly normal - but not implying to baby that it is 'odd' to play with Mummy!

Millarkie Sat 06-Jun-09 10:40:26

Put it this way if she had said 'I am leaving you to play with Mummy. That will be lovely won't it?' I bet the OP wouldn't feel the same way.

willowthewispa Sat 06-Jun-09 10:49:45

She probably meant no harm in it, and just didn't think through how the OP might have felt - I don't think it's helpful to overanalyse one throw-away comment.

Mtorun Sat 06-Jun-09 10:50:07

I understand OP, her nanny shouldn`t have said that. As a professional nanny she should be sensitive and understanding. As it is not easy for mothers( my MB`s has toddler`s and i been working for them for a year and a half and they are still! dreading to go to work, totaly understandiable) to leave their baby and go to work whether they are PFB or not!

Talk to your nanny and tell her what her comment made you feel. I`m sure she will understand where you coming from. If not sack her

To me great nanny means fantastic with the kid/s and also great with the parents`.

nannynick Sat 06-Jun-09 10:50:14

I suspect it is more the "That will be odd won't it?" part of the comment that was upsetting.

Mtorun Sat 06-Jun-09 10:54:09

Totally agree with Millarkie.

PixiNanny Sat 06-Jun-09 12:03:27

Maybe the nanny has worked for woring mothers who are used to leaving baby behind, so just made a comment like she would.

Or, maybe she is completely mortified that she said that, you don't know because you haven't spoken to her. I know that I'd probably come out with something like that without intending it to be harsh, just fact, but I'd feel bad for saying it like that afterwards!

And some nannies do disapprove of working mums which is another fact of life and maybe she is one of them.

noviceoftheday Sat 06-Jun-09 12:20:09

Thanks everyone for responding. My sanity has already been partly restored by having a fab time with DD this morning and feel even better for reading your comments. Just to clarify, as millarkie said, had my nanny said 'I am leaving you to play with Mummy. That will be lovely won't it?' then I wouldn't have been upset at all and would have thought all the more of her for leaving DD in such a nice way. Its the "That will be odd won't it" that I found very upsetting.

I think I will do as people have suggested and have a review with her and make the point that it is upsetting for me to leave DD. I will probably leave it for a week or so before saying anything, so that I am less emotional about it.

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 06-Jun-09 14:11:07

i am not suprised you feel a bit pissed off with what your nanny said to yousad

her comment to you was weird - and tbh very insenstive

As a professional nanny she should be sensitive and understanding -some mums do find leaving their young babies( with what is a stranger) hard - and that is prefectly understandable!!

i would never judge a mum who goes to work - if they didnt work, then there would be no need for nannys and i would be out of a job that i love

noviceoftheday Sat 06-Jun-09 15:45:06

Thanks Blondes. I read a lot of what people like you, Nick and Pixi have to say, so I think if you had all come and said that was a normal comment from a nanny then I would have slapped myself around a bit to try and get over it.

She is brilliant with DD but does have a habit of making underhand/funny comments, which i have largely chosen to ignore on the basis that I know its a sensitive time for me anyway but yesterday's comment was just a bit too much for me to deal with. I hope that the comments aren't based on some kind of judgment of me for being a working mum, but shall use this 3 month probation period to make sure.

PixiNanny Sat 06-Jun-09 15:49:06

I wasn't pointing fingers Blonde Not many of us do judge but some do! I try not to judge, but I can't help but judge the socilite sahm's who can't be bothered to look after their child and literally pawn them off on a nanny 24/7, they're the only ones I disagree with and I'd never work for one (and before you start having a go about it, you know these women exist as well as the rest of us do everyone!). I like working mother's, it just goes to show how much they care about their kids that they work to keep them happy and well cared for.

However I realy dont evny you for being in that position to have to do that, I know that when I have kids I would become a nanny relatively full time instead of doing my other pursuits so that I could take my child to work with me, just like my Mum, who became a childminder for me and my sisters and went back to her other job ideas afterwards!

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 06-Jun-09 17:11:07

me judge - NEVER wink just go and find the thread about swearing and slapping parents - who just happen to be fat, tho i would also judge skinny ones

but thats another thread!! grin

i know what you mean pix - there are many sahm near me who have full time nannys hmm

when i asked what she did (thinking she worked) and she looked at me in astonishment and said i go out for lunch, have my hair cut, go shopping and get my nails done

i said what every day, and she said yes

needless to say i turned the job down

there is a big difference from a sahm who wants a bit of me time maybe once a week to make her a better less stressd mum and a sahm having a full time 7-7nanny sad

anyway i woffle - noviceoftheday - i can always slap you if you want me to - but there is no need - you are quite within your rights to be upset

when my mb comes in, i say to my 11mth heres mummy, and give her to mb

hope things resolve and remember you MUST be happy with your childcare or you wont be happy going to work so if she makes any more comments i would say something

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