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ADVICE NEEDED: The long-running saga of the friend, the nanny and a frustrated MN'er!!

(44 Posts)
Tiggus Wed 02-Mar-05 09:51:28

OK Ladies, sorry this is another long rant / advice seeking thread.

I have had a situation since my nanny started working for us, in that a friend in the village (only known her Post-Kids), started to make insensitive comments along the lines of, "Oh my DD doesn't know who you are anymore, she thinks nanny is your DS's Mum" OR "Oh your nanny doesn't do it like that / say that / to your DS, she does x / y/ z". Then she started asking nanny to help her on the odd occasion, then 10 days ago told me that I was mistreating nanny.

I managed to clear up conflict of interest with nanny,by discussing whether or not she wanted to do extra work for the other Mum (X) - nanny said no, she was happy financially and hours-wise.

We then cleared up that I wasn't mistreating her, and we had a very good conversation about how her job would progress, what she liked about it etc.

However, yesterday, X took nanny aside at Tumbletots and said that she wanted to find a resolution with her about DS's behaviour to her DD. Apparently, when me or nanny are out of the room during playdates (to go to the loo), but NOT activites, DS pushes her DD. But does this to no other children. X wanted to know "how we were going to resolve this" and that she wanted to be involve in the "process".

Both nanny and I discussed this at lunchtime, and felt that the best thing to do was to steer a wide berth as the prob was wider than this pushing, ie it was to do with X's relationship with us.

I got a call from X later that day asking me if I had "thought of a resolution yet to the bad vibes between my DS and her DD" (they are 21 months and 18 months respectively).

I was very friendly, apologised for any hurt / offence caused by DS's pushing and suggested that we no longer arrange playdates.

Problem solved? I hope so. BUT what I would like other MN'ers advice on is
1) has this sort of thing happened to you with your DS / DD?
2) I have since found out that X is bitching about me and nanny at groups etc. What do I do to counteract this or do I just ignore it and keep giong to groups and being friendly and cheerful and checking DS's behaviour?
3) In the village, X and I have been part of a trio friendship, ie we all had kiddies at the same time. SHould I call no 3 to explain my side of the story ?

BTW I am reassured by the amount of compliments I get on DS's behaviour by other Mums during playdates that he is NOT a "little monster".

noddyholder Wed 02-Mar-05 09:53:59

bad vibes between toddlers?The world is going mad I would give X a wide berth for a while and tell her thats how you plan to resolve the 'bad vibes'She sounds mad!!!

RTKangaMummy Wed 02-Mar-05 09:59:42

OMG what an awful woman

Stay well clear of her

Do you think she is jealous in some way?

Do you like anything about her as a person [if you didn't have DS would you still meet up with her?]

no3 prob has heard her side by now so could do or just ignore her and her petty little ways

If you do go on playdates with X and no3 ask no3 to keep an eye on DS and see if he really does push her DD

Haveyou ever come back in the room and seen the result of it ie DS standing over DD with her in tears?

RTKangaMummy Wed 02-Mar-05 10:00:53

Or do you think X is lying about DS?

She sounds bonkers completely mad

Sonnet Wed 02-Mar-05 10:14:36

She sounds jealous of you.....and she is either totally mad and making it up but more probably exagerating what she sees.
I too would keep a dignified distance...

sorry you have gone through this

Tiggus Wed 02-Mar-05 11:27:11

Thanks for your answers - I had to nip off to do some work - shame.

Noddy I am so pleased that you think the language she was using was a little OTT. Let's institute Toddlers Anonymous - "Hello, my name is >DS< and I am a toddler. Please help me understand how to share, care and behave like a little adult"

RTKangaMummy I will just rise above it and not mention anything and let her shoot herself in the foot with her crazy "toddler resolutions".

But, in answer to your Q's: Do you think she is jealous in some way? Quite possibly. My mum thinks this might be some weird way of trying to be friends and draw me to her thru emotional blackmail. My Mum also said some unrepeatable things about her when I called her last night for advice!!

Do you like anything about her as a person [if you didn't have DS would you still meet up with her?] NOT NOW!!

no3 prob has heard her side by now so could do or just ignore her and her petty little ways YES

If you do go on playdates with X and no3 ask no3 to keep an eye on DS and see if he really does push her DD - yes or I could ask her to corroborate that DS does push when I am out of the room

Haveyou ever come back in the room and seen the result of it ie DS standing over DD with her in tears? yes once - and TBH her DD stood her ground very well, cried then got up again and carried on playing

Sonnet - well it was a bit of a toss-up between laughing out loud or shouting obsceneties down the phone, but I opted for the dignified distance.

Bozza Wed 02-Mar-05 11:37:31

Agree with the others that she is mad and probably jealous. And of course your DS might push her DD - hes 21 months! Its what they do. And if he does it when you're out of the room - that just shows that he's clever IMO.

mrsflowerpot Wed 02-Mar-05 11:39:18

Might be worth having a word with the other friend (if it's an easy conversation to have of course) as she might do something similar with her. I had issues with a 'mummy friend' that really knocked my confidence, and it's only now, a couple of years later, that I've talked to other friends about it and found she did exactly the same with them.

Tiggus Wed 02-Mar-05 11:41:09

Ah yes Bozza - but in this crazy Toddler World he might be doing it deliberately "to create conflict in order to provoke a resolution of bad chemistry" ......

I think she might have read too many silly childcare books that suggest that there are "resolutions" for what are essentially phases.

TG I am at home working today {sort of} and don't have to face her at Toddler Group. Hopefully nanny won't have to deal with more rubbish from her either.

Tiggus Wed 02-Mar-05 11:43:27

Mrs Flowerpot that is a fair point and it was really eating away at me until it became obvious what a loon she is.

I will try to catch up with other mum in next week or two (work permitting) and see if I can introduce it without it becoming a Me vs X type conversation. Agree that it is likely she might be weird with others too.

Chandra Wed 02-Mar-05 11:46:10

Bonkerz, totally bonkerz. I won't even have a conversation about her with your other friend, if you are receiving complemenst about your DS behaviour they will think she is crazy when she comes to complain.

I would stay away of her. Some mothers are far too sensitive and they are a hassle to deal with. Enjoy your child, your nanny arrangement and don't buy the story that's the way she has to draw you nearer to her.

bundle Wed 02-Mar-05 11:46:30

was trying to work out what all this was about - then saw the children's ages - they're BABIES FFS!

HunkerMunker Wed 02-Mar-05 11:49:30

She sounds a complete nightmare! It may very well be that she's doing it to this other woman too - she may be feeling just the same about talking to you about it. Test the water with a question about your DS - ask if she's noticed him being too rough maybe?

This woman sounds like she's very jealous though - glad she didn't cause trouble between you and your nanny. Sounds like her aim is to cause you problems though - wonder why?! I'd steer well clear for now too.

Tiggus Wed 02-Mar-05 11:55:27

HunkerMunker good idea to test the water. And yes who knows why?!

Thanks for all this advice, this woman has managed to really get under my skin the lastfew months, I think I am right to let go of the remnants of friendship that we had left and just Move On. A little difficult in a village of only 250 people, but I will try my best.

Prettybird Wed 02-Mar-05 12:12:40

Is she jealous of the fact that yuo are able to afford a nanny? Or has some other "issue" with the fact that you have one?

Either, that is her problem and not yours. Easier said than done though !

I agree with the advice you've been given. Have a wee chat with No.3 to explore if she too has been having any problems with "x". You can do it in a non-confrontational way by say explicitly that X had said that your ds was hitting her dd, which "obviously" you are concerned about and so you want to check that you ds isn't causing her child any problems.

And above all, rise above her!

RTKangaMummy Wed 02-Mar-05 12:39:39

Thanks for the answers

Yes she is mad

I agree chat to other mums and see if she tries to control them too

Am sure your DS is not a nightmare boy like has been said before he is only a baby

She has a big problem and is completly mad

Perhaps next time she says something laugh or smile sweetly

Then she will realise you are not upset by her anymore and that you have risen above her pettyness

pinotgrigio Wed 02-Mar-05 12:40:39

OMG Tiggus. What a horrible woman!! It sounds like a mixture of attention-seeking/liking to feel superior to you/nanny (I guess because she feels inferior for some reason, poss because you can afford said nanny) and jealousy that you can afford a nanny to me . Personally I would drop her like a ton of bricks and immediately neutralise any comments she made to Mum #3 (in a non-bitchy way).

Of course, you could try to get to the root of her emotional problems (and involve her in the process, chuckle) and help her feel loved and respected again.

I know what I'd do though .

RTKangaMummy Wed 02-Mar-05 12:43:18

I guess it is hard though in a small village

Does everyone know everyone elses business?

Freckle Wed 02-Mar-05 12:49:40

It sounds as though she has a restricted and boring life and is either (a) making a mountain out of a molehill or (b) deliberately stirring things up to make her life more interesting.

Either way, I think you'd do better to avoid her. At least you have established that your nanny is perfectly happy and not being "abused" in any way. I wouldn't get involved in dissing her to anyone else. Most other parents will probably be intelligent enough to spot her games and ignore her.

katierocket Wed 02-Mar-05 12:59:24

Tiggus - she sounds mad and, I agree, jealous of you for whatever reason.
I love Toddlers Anonymous LOL
that would be interesting!

Stay away from her and try not to get drawn into it; difficult I know. This sounds like the best approach to me
"do I just ignore it and keep giong to groups and being friendly and cheerful and checking DS's behaviour"
"resolutions" indeed, what nonsense!

WideWebWitch Wed 02-Mar-05 13:10:22

Haven't read other replies but X sounds like a sanctimonious cow to me! Your ds is far too young to be categorised as a monster or badly behaved imo. I really would try to rise above it, don't discuss it with the third friend, DROP X like a hot potato and make sure her dd and your ds don't mix. Is she jealous of you do you think? All very insecure and inappropriate behaviour I think.

WideWebWitch Wed 02-Mar-05 13:12:41

Just skimmed other replies, and see everyone else thinks she's bonkers too!

lockets Wed 02-Mar-05 13:16:01

Message withdrawn

katierocket Wed 02-Mar-05 13:17:24

I wonder if she is a relation of 'table cloth' woman?

Tiggus Wed 02-Mar-05 13:22:39

LOL you lot!!

RT Kanga - There are 4-5 of us with kids the same age and yes we do know everyone else's business, due to that crazy hormonal bonding thing that happens at the start, like telling each other how many times you have sex with your DH since childbirth, et etc.

Shudder to think that everything I may ever have said to her has got repeated an twisted somehow!!

Her DP offered my DH a job last year, I already had "bad vibes" from her that I needed to resolve, so told DH that he could take the job if he wanted to make our life hell!! TG he listened to me {for once}

What about the groups? SHould I shift all of our activities to other stuff (I have been doing that already a little).

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