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My nanny has been economical with the truth

(19 Posts)
hamsgirl Mon 01-Sep-08 10:32:35

I have recently discovered that my nanny is being economical with the truth.

I lurk on another nanny forum - I went on there initially to find out about ofsted registration and I'm a forum addict anyway so I occasionally go on there and have a read.

There was a post from a nanny looking to meet other nannies in my local area - I don't even normally look in that section but it caught my eye as it was the most recently posted post. There is also a post from the same nanny about another nanny job she is doing (on a day she doesn't work for me). Maybe I should have left there and then but I haven't got that much will power and from other posts it is clear it is my nanny. She has not told me about this job. She definitely didn't have it when she started with me as she used to work in a nursery on the other two days. I knew she was looking to leave the nursery and I recently asked her how the search was going and she said she hadn't found anything yet.

I love my nanny. She is fantastic. We get on really well (I think we do anyway - I hope she feels the same). I don't understand why she hasn't told me. On the one hand, it's not really any of my business but it has upset me that she hasn't been totally straight with me.

The only reason I can think of why she hasn't told me is that she is in the process of applying for Ofsted registration (which I am paying for) and maybe she thinks that if she tells me I will ask the other family to pay a share. I wouldn't do this - I agreed to pay and I will. But I would have appreciated her being totally honest with me. We had big issues with our ex-childminder not being totally straight with us so I am quite sensitive about it. I am also a bit upset that she obviously doesn't trust me enough to not go back on what we agreed (i.e. that I would pay for the registration). I also can't help but worry that there is another reason behind it like she is unhappy with us and is testing the water or something but I've asked her fairly recently if she is happy working for us and that if she has any issues she should talk to us - I think I am approachable. She said she was enjoying it.

Apart from the issue of honesty, does this have tax implications? We agreed a gross wage in the contract so it shouldn't have cost implications for me and I assume her tax code with us hasn't changed (she has the standard tax code with us and had a BR code as the nursery) but if she'd told us offically I'd have phoned the payroll company to check.

Would you ask her about it? I worry that she will feel her space has been invaded but even though there are lots of nannies on the other site, there are a few employers too and I have found lots of useful information on there. I didn't set out to find her. Am I being over sensitive or would it upset you too?

I have thought carefully whether to post this as the same thing could happen to me (she might read it as as I know there is overlap with the sites) but actually I don't mind if she does as I have nothing but good things to say about her - I just wish she felt she could tell me.

Tutter Mon 01-Sep-08 10:33:13

lol at "i wasn't snooping - honest!!!"

Tutter Mon 01-Sep-08 10:33:46

sorry, have no advice but your first couple of paras did smack of the lady doth protest too much

QuintessentialShadow Mon 01-Sep-08 10:37:34

I think you need to have a chat with her. She probably worries about the situation too.

You could phrase it like, "it has come to my attention that you have a new job" and explain your concerns much like you did in your op.

tiggerlovestobounce Mon 01-Sep-08 10:42:04

It looks like you have written this hoping that she does read it.

I wouldnt worry too much about this though. You dont know that it is her, if it is, what she has posted might not be true.
It sounds like even if is her and it is true there arent any definite implications for you anyway.

sitdownpleasegeorge Mon 01-Sep-08 10:58:34

Employers can often be tipped off about a change in an employee's status by PAYE codes issued by the Tax Office so you could lead in with the fact that "it has come to my attnetion, as your main employer, that you may have changed you other employment recently" and see what she says.

I find it kind of odd that she hasn't said anything to you in passing.

frannikin Mon 01-Sep-08 11:00:20

Maybe she hasn't wanted to tell you until it's all completely sorted.

Not being mean but it's not really any of your business anyway - you've agreed a gross wage and what your nanny does when not working for your shouldn't affect when she does work for you. However you did say you had ishoos with your ex-CM so possibly it's understandable.

How recently did you ask her about the job? Things can happen very quickly so it's possible she was telling the truth at the time and she just hasn't mentioned it. To be honest it probably wouldn't cross my mind to tell my employer if I had found another job if I only worked part-time.

Anna8888 Mon 01-Sep-08 11:08:51

If I did a part-time job, I am not sure that it would be any business of my employer what I did with the rest of my time providing I was doing the job he/she employed me to do to his/her satisfaction.

Why do you feel the need to know about your nanny's life outside her employment with you in this way?

MrsFluffleHasAWuffle Mon 01-Sep-08 11:15:45

First of all are you 100% sure it is her? I do find it a bit worrying that she has seemingly posted so much detail that you know without a doubt that it is her - she should be being much more careful online! But that's another thread...

Basically it's none of your business what she does in her own time although it does seem strange that she wouldn't mention it. Maybe she think you would see it as moonlighting or something?

hamsgirl Mon 01-Sep-08 11:26:20

I'm glad you've said it's not any of my business actually.

I am just paranoid that we've found a nanny we love and I really don't want her to leave. I guess that could always happen anyway.

We had such problems with our childminder that I find it a bit too good to be true that we have someone who I am totally happy to leave my children with. I am probably over-sensitive about it.

LOL tutter. OK, so maybe a did go over the top with the protests but hand on heart, I didn't set out to find her. I went on the board way before I even found a nanny. I'll shut up now before I dig an even deeper hole.

Thanks for replying everyone.

It was quite recently that I asked her but you are right, it might be a very recent thing.

AtheneNoctua Mon 01-Sep-08 11:30:41

If your contract doesn't have a clause that you have a say in any other employment she may take on, then I don't think you really have a need to know about what she does on her days off. My contract does have a clause about this, but then my nanny is full time so any share arrangement would involve sharing her when she is also looking after my kids.

Now, if you discovered she was working on every day she is not with you and hence working seven days a week and running herself into the ground then I can see you would have reason to know about it. But, if your job is part time and theo other one just brings her up to a full time job, then that seems okay.

However, I too would be a bit put off that she wasn't completely honest with me. I would be offended on a personal level, but not a professional one. I tend to reagard the nanny as an employee and also as a friend. And it is the friendship aspect of the reklationship that would take offense to this omission.

Are you really absolutely certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is your nanny? You would look very silly if you confront her and you are mistaken.

Last but not least... you wouldn't be in this predicament if you hadn't been snooping, and you were snooping. I'm not sayinging I wouldn't snoop in the circumstances, but let's be honest here. It is what it is.

chapstickchick Mon 01-Sep-08 11:31:01

maybe she hasnt got another job- shes just saying she has on this forum for advice when she does get another job?


hamsgirl Mon 01-Sep-08 12:02:31

OK, hands up, it was snooping at the point that I suspected it was her but do you think it is snooping full stop by going on a nanny board?. Genuinely interested in the answer. I did say in my OP that I should have just left there and then when I suspected it was her but that my will power wasn't strong enough.

AthenaNoctua - that is exactly it. I like to think I'm friends with her too. I'm not even offended. I am just a bit upset that she didn't feel she could tell me in the same way that I would if another friend didn't tell me that they had a new job. It makes no difference to me and I know it certainly won't affect the care of my children but I'd like to have wished her well. And the fact that she didn't tell me makes me paranoid too which I admit, is my problem.

No, I guess I can never be 100% certain it is her.

hatwoman Mon 01-Sep-08 12:18:04

there are tax complications that could possibly explain her feeling uncomfortable about it all - if you employ her 3 days a week you will be using up all her tax-free earnings allowance - a second family would therefore get a proportionally far heftier tax bill. there are two ways of dealing with this - cash in hand or asking family one to consider splitting the tax-free bit. so she might be steeling herself to ask you about this (which in fact wouldn;t make any difference to you as you agreed a gross wage)- or - could be feeling uncomfy with having agree to the other possible solution (ie other family not paying tax) - she might just be worried about how all this affects you and how it looks.

I wouldn't go the "it has come to my attention" route - all terribly formal - (and in any case her tax code might not have changed if the other family is doing cih) just ask her again about her job search, or ask her what she's doing on Thursday

hamsgirl Mon 01-Sep-08 12:26:33

OK - just wanted to say that I spoke to her on the phone. I couldn't get it off my mind about what would happen if she did read this and she did get really upset that I was snooping on her so I thought I'd ask her and get everything out in the open. I just told her the truth and hoped for the best.

She was fine about it thankfully. It was her and she does have another job but it is not formalised yet (she's on a trial period) and she didn't want to jinx anything as she's had bad luck with jobs. She said she was going to tell me when she has signed the contract. I hope she doesn't feel like her privacy was invaded - she seemed fine about it.

So lesson number 1 for me: keep away from other board, lesson 2: don't jump to conclusions and lesson 3: don't be so paranoid.

Thanks everyone.

squiffy Mon 01-Sep-08 12:30:17

Of course, if you do ask her about it she will change her website name and start being far less candid on the website and you won't be able to snoop any more..... keep quiet and who knows what else you might discover...

hatwoman Mon 01-Sep-08 17:35:49

never thought of that possibility! sounds like you do have a good relationship.

imananny Mon 01-Sep-08 19:29:44

i wouldnt say you were snooping, you were on another website and most websites you dont need to sign in to be able to read - if you dont want employers/nannies to find things out, or it is a secret, then dont put it on a public board imo

BUT I would say it is none of your buisness what your nanny does when she isnt working for you

glad you asked her and there was a valid reason - it must be hard to have trust issues if you have been let down/betrayed in the past with child care

nannyL Mon 01-Sep-08 20:01:58

completely agree with im a nanny

i think my bosses could easily identify me on the nanny message board...

my mummybosses best friend who employs one of my closest nanny friends has even told my freind (her nanny) that see sees us both on there

it doesnt bother me as there is I dont write anything that i would be bothered if my bosses read eitehr and i wouldnt.

if you pay her a gross wage as you do i dnt think it matters to you what she does on her day off...

its my day off today... i have worked for my ex charges...o havent told / asked my boss, but i expect in the how was ur weekend conversation tomorrow i will say "great, saw my old charges yesturday" and they wont mind in the slightest!

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