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REALLY need your advice re: nanny/domestic violence issue

(10 Posts)
LittleOneMum Wed 30-Jul-08 15:05:50

My lovely, wonderful and well-loved nanny has very recently been the victim of some quite nasty domestic violence. I won't tell you the details, but she was seriously shaken up and has now (good on her) left him for good.

I have done everything to be supportive and I am pleased to say that she seems to be OKish.

However, one thing really concerns me. Over a period of time, her ex threatened her with various things, including killing her, 'ruining her life' and in doing so said that he knows where she works (which he does). I am absolutely determined to stand by her and not find someone else (I don't want to let this man win by ruining yet more of her life) but at the back of my mind I am wondering whether I am being stupid by doing so. I suppose this man may come after her while she is with my DS or come to the house or something.

PLEASE give me your honest opinions about what you would do. She has, star that she is, said that she would understand if we wanted her to leave, but unless it is absolutely necessary I wouldn't want that to happen.

EthelTheUnready Wed 30-Jul-08 15:07:10

I would speak to the local police and ask their advice. How worrying for all of you.

LittleOneMum Wed 30-Jul-08 15:13:39

They are already involved because of the last of the incidents - but they are being utterly useless. They actually told my nanny when she rang them last that they had better things to do with their time!

EthelTheUnready Wed 30-Jul-08 15:16:45

That's hopeless - I'm sorry to hear that.

What does your nanny usually do with your ds? Does she take them out and about a lot or does she stick pretty close to home? Does she take them out in her car?

I think that all she can do is be extra vigilant. I'm not sure what else to suggest and I know it would freak me out if it was my nanny.

I hope someone comes up with some good advice for you.

Turniphead1 Wed 30-Jul-08 15:20:09

I would ring Refuge or another charity that supports victims of DV and ask their advice. Given that it is the context of supporting someone and keeping their job who has been through this.

On a practical level, does your burglar alarm come equipped with a panic button (a lot do and you may not even know about it). If it were me, I would probably keep her on, but have someone round to look at home security so in the (hopefully very unlikely) event he came round during the day, she and your DC would have some protection.

Well done you for being a caring and supportive employer.

LittleOneMum Wed 30-Jul-08 15:33:49


That's a really good suggestion. Actually, that's made me think that what I could also do is give her one of these rape alarms you get? Then she could carry it around with her when she's out and about and it would give her a bit of comfort.

Sunshinetoast Wed 30-Jul-08 16:25:03

I can't believe the police attitude! Well I can believe it, but it's shocking. Your nanny should ring back and ask to speak to someone in the domestic violence unit (I think most forces have one) AND she should report the comment about having better things to do with her time. You could also ring the unit - they might have some useful advice.

lindseyfox Wed 30-Jul-08 16:30:09

oh thats very sad

but what a good employer you are supporting her.

maybe suggests she always has 999 programmed into her mobile so she can ring quickly if needed.

also maybe to put your mind at rest she could text you when she gets somewhere and then when she gets home.

maybe this horrible violent man will actually not cme bothering her again, she has stood up and left him early on in the domestic violence as most women suffer 34 attacks before reporting to anyone for the 1st time.

support her as much as you can so she doesnt feel the need to return to him, many women leave and return so so many times, easily won back with the i love you and i have changed story.

does she have family nearby to support her also or is she alone all weekend now?

nannyL Wed 30-Jul-08 18:03:49

For a minute i thought you were my boss talking abput me after my nasty evil step dad violently assulted me 10 days ago...

but you arnt cause he was my stepdad, NOT my partner smile

My bosses have been 100% supportive to me (love them to bits)
I live by myself round the corner from them and they have made it crystal clear that if i ever feel in fander from him in my hosue im to just go there immediatly and let myself in (or call them)

(i cant see it ever happening, but its so lovely to know they are so supportive and lovely)

thye have said if i were at here house there is NO WAY my DB would let my nasty stepdad near me (though im 100% sure hed never try at their house) and their house has a direct link with the police station anyway (and my nasty evil step dad knows that!)

I have been to the police who have been 100% supportive of me too.... my evil stepdad is supposidly being arrested tonight grin though he wont get anything as its his 1st offence, just a police record (Not even a criminal record angry.... even thouigh he gave me 6 bruises and strangled me till my mum pulled his hands off)

My mum is already back with him because he is so sorry....

I can garantee I would NEVER stay with someone who hurt my children angry sad

imananny Wed 30-Jul-08 18:45:20

your poor nanny, and well done for supporting her at her time of need

to answer your question honestly - no I dont think that your DS is in danger, and sure ( i hope) that this man was just saying these things to scare her ( and you)

most abusers are just bullies and think your nanny is a very strong lady to stand up and leave him

it certainly wouldnt hurt to buy a rape alarm, and possibly go to court and get a restricting oder against him, going anywhere near your nanny/her home and your work address

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