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Does my child love her childminder more than she loves me?

(14 Posts)
ljblondon Wed 30-Jul-08 13:30:33

Hello everyone
I have never posted here before but am hoping for some advice, wise words etc
I returned to work recently and my one year old daughter goes to a childminder 4 days a week. I am so lucky (especially after reading a post on here from a CM who does not 'like' one of her charges) to have found a wonderful, experienced childminder who my daughter adores but therein lies the problem. I feel as though DD would rather be with the CM than with me. She squeales with delight when we arrive and cries when I arrive to pick her up. Of course I want her to be happy and know that this is an emotional need in me but it does not feel right. DD has all her fun times with someone else, eats all her meals with someone else and it sometimes feels as though the only time I spend with her is negative - an hour of rushing around in the morning then an hour at the end of the day when she's tired. How do others cope with feeling as though their place has been taken by someone else and how do childminders deal with the emotional aspects of being such an important person in the life of the child yet hardly knowing the family, I am struggling with this new relationship and wondering how it will affect my relationship with my daughter in the long run.
All advice gratefully received.

HuwEdwards Wed 30-Jul-08 13:36:57

No of course she doesn't! Honestly.

My DD went to nursery 4 days a week and I had exactly this kind of behaviour - and saw it in others. The embarassment of a toddler who runs away crying from you when you arrive to take them home blush

However it's a new relationship for your DD too and the CM sounds wonderful - how lovely to be able to leave your DD in safe happy hands.

But YOU are her mum and nothing comes close to replacing you smile

Bramshott Wed 30-Jul-08 13:41:05

Does your DD's childminder also mind other children? My 16 month old DD also squeals with delight when we get to the childminders, and I think it's not just the childminder (who is lovely), but the other children, rabbits, toys and excitements they have there!

You should feel pleased that you have clearly chosen so well, and that your DD is spending her days in a loving, secure environment.

If you feel you are spending too much time away from your DD and not getting to do any of the fun stuff, then that's another topic . . .

igivein Wed 30-Jul-08 13:53:41

I felt a bit this way when ds started at nursery 4 days a week when he was 6 months. I actually said to one of the nursery nurses 'what if he likes you more than me' and she said don't worry, they all know who their mums are, and she's right. 18 months on he loves being at nursery (he knocks on the door to get in and scampers off without a backward glance)but as soon as I walk through the door at teatime he runs over shouting mum mum.

PinkChick Wed 30-Jul-08 13:57:45

you could be talking about me here!, i ahev a lveoly family and the mindee loves coming here, mum and dad tell me all the time and its clear when mindee arrives, but in no way would mindee rather swap me for mum, we get paid to spend all our time entertaining your children, as a mum, when ive finished work and finshed looking after everyone else children my own needs me, but at that point i have to tidy/clean up, make tea, get dd bathed and so on, so im sure she would be glad of some fun with friends at this point.

please dont worry, be glad you've found a cm who thinks the world of your child and whom you child also likes to spend time with/around as well as her other mindees.

when shes a bit bigger she will fill you in on all the things she's done that day and you should be proud as shes learning to do these things while you are doing your very best to support and provide for sure your weekends/time off is lots of fun for you bothsmile

ljblondon Wed 30-Jul-08 14:39:06

Thank you for all your kind and sensible words! Glad my child is not the only one who runs in the opposite direction when i arrive. Bramshott you are right - maybe the real issue is that i feel i spend too long away from her

TheFallenMadonna Wed 30-Jul-08 14:41:36

DS used to run away and yell "I don't want to go home" when I went to pick him up from nursery hmm

He love me really grin

ljblondon Wed 30-Jul-08 14:46:47

Didn't it make you want to cry? maybe i am just tired and emotional and will toughen up!

PinkChick Wed 30-Jul-08 14:46:53

most of my mindees play up something rotten when its home time as they dont want to go...i have to persuade parents they HAVENT been like this all day without saying its because they dont want to go home 2 youngest mindees totally ignore parents when dropped off, wont give kisses or say bye or anything!..little tinkers, i send lots of pictures on mobile to them through day to reassure them we're alrightsmile and keep them informed of what were doing.

cmotdibbler Wed 30-Jul-08 14:47:05

My DS (who is 2) does run up to me when I pick him up from nursery shouting 'mummmeeeee', but is just as likely to then run off again to be back in the game he was playing before, as to jump up into my arms. He loves being with his friends and the nursery nurses, and doing all the stuff they do there, so sometimes I get shouting when we go home.

But we have a lovely cuddly snack when we get home (mostly a bits and pieces in front of the TV or with a book, rather than a formal sitting down type thing), and at the weekends we try and only do nice stuff in an unhurried sort of way.

TheFallenMadonna Wed 30-Jul-08 14:55:51

Not after the first few times, because he obviously wasn't pining for nursery when he was home. He was 18mo. They live in the moment.

motherinferior Wed 30-Jul-08 15:07:15

No, of course she doesn't, sweetie. You are her mum. Nothing and nobody can take that away, ever.

Both my daughters went to a CM from very small, four days a week. She was very, very important in their lives. And I am and always have been their mummy, with all the passion and emotional entanglement that comes with it.

southernbelle77 Wed 30-Jul-08 16:13:51

I have mindees like this too. I actually find it quite hard as I really feel for the parents. I used to feel horrible when dd went to nursery and she didn't want to come home so I know how it feels from the parents point of view.

As another poster said, it could be as much to do with the other children as well as the cm. We went out yeterday and I saw a mindee there with their mum. Mindee kept running over to us and wanting to be with us - as much for my dd as for me! mum was ok with it (although I think she thought mindee was being a pain but it was fine!) !

imananny Wed 30-Jul-08 18:55:51

I can promise you,hand on heart that your child loves you more and always will

its just that they have also found someone else to love as well

children will always know the difference between mummy/daddy and their carer

yes it must be hard seeing your child love another person,but it would be so much harder for you,if you left your child every day to go to work and they were screaming/sobbing for you

4days is good,as means you still have 3 days of you and your dd

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