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How do i get my nanny to listen to me....

(205 Posts)
bertieboo Thu 29-Nov-07 15:19:08

and not do her own thing? I work full time and so my DD (5 months) old is in her sole care all day. I accept thats a lot of responsibility but nanny constantly goes against my wishes and then argues with me when i pull her up on it. She is amazing with my DD and loves her v much, but i feel like she is undermining me at every turn. How can i fix this without feel even more useless than i already do??

MyEye Thu 29-Nov-07 16:00:43

I'd make a list of your grievances and suggest it's time for a review/appraisal. This goes both ways, so ask her if she's happy with the setup, or if she thinks it could be improved in any way. Then mention the things she does which upset you. Try not to get emotional. Fact is, she's being paid by you so you call the shots. But obviously not worth shouting about that, unless she's really dim/defiant...in which case, I think you have to give her an ultimatum.
What sort of things are you clashing on, btw?

Anna8888 Thu 29-Nov-07 16:15:10

Yes, can you give some examples?

bertieboo Thu 29-Nov-07 16:39:24

well she keeps telling me that DD is "starving" and that her tummy is rumbling so she is going to wean her as she obviously needs it. I have asked her not to do this as i dont think she needs it (she is sleeping v well at night is growing at a great rate)
Anyway last week i decided to buy some ready prepared baby food in preparation for giving DD solids. and to my horror i discovered that the nanny had been feeding her without my agreement or knowledge because said baby was starving.
she has also gone ahead and booked her into some classes in the new year (monkey music, swimming etc) without my say so.
but the worst for me is the lack of structure and routine in DD's day. i have asked her to adhere to a pretty ridgid schedule so there can be a seemless transition over the weekend, but every day there is a reason why it hasnt worked. I also discovered that she was taking DD back to bed with her when i left the house for work in the morning (i leave early). its upsetting to me that wont do as i ask, and i hate confrontation!!

bertieboo Thu 29-Nov-07 16:41:39

i did have a chat with her about whether she was enjoying the job etc and she said she loved it, as it was like DD was her own hmm
she is only in her mid twenties!

hatrick Thu 29-Nov-07 16:45:52

Message withdrawn

MyEye Thu 29-Nov-07 16:49:19

You have to sack her, I'm afraid!

bertieboo Thu 29-Nov-07 16:51:38

i know, its bad isnt it? but when i confrnted her, she basically said "i am only thinking of DD and she is eating really well so i feel i am working in her best interest"
so of course i feel guilty for holding off from weaning

MyEye Thu 29-Nov-07 16:52:03

That is just so bad, honestly. I thought you were going to have a grumble about her being on the internet too much, or over-raiding your fridge

MyEye Thu 29-Nov-07 16:52:40

She is manipulating you. Get rid. You'll find someone who will respect you and your wishes.

Buda Thu 29-Nov-07 16:53:52

If she can't stick to something as basic as your wishes about when YOUR child is weaned then she needs to go.

MyEye Thu 29-Nov-07 16:53:59

also weaning at 5mths goes against all the current govt advice... ill-informed and grossly irresponsible.

hatrick Thu 29-Nov-07 16:54:40

Message withdrawn

bertieboo Thu 29-Nov-07 16:55:16

haha myeye.... i wouldnt have a problem with her doing that! i feel that i am a pretty fair and relaxed employer - i dont dictate what she should do during the day and pretty much leave her to it as she is the professional, but these things have riled me

oranges Thu 29-Nov-07 16:55:17

I don't actually think you can keep her after that, to be honest. I kepy a nanny who did something similar on because I hated confrontation too, but it only got worse, as she would do things that both I and ds hated (like strapping him into his high chair for hours while she did other stuff - he refuses to sit in it now. sad)

MyEye Thu 29-Nov-07 16:56:10

So, tell us, what are you going to do?

bertieboo Thu 29-Nov-07 16:58:11

funny you should say that hatrick - as she has started giving her solids i have asked her to cook from scratch. she hasnt yet.

orangina Thu 29-Nov-07 16:59:28

I think she has got to go. If you are unhappy at this relatively early stage, it will only get worse, forget the rather large breaches of trust etc. Also, is she really trustworthy? If you have asked her not to do something and she has gone ahead and done it, what else could you not trust her with?

We had a peculiar maternity nurse for a few weeks, who rubbed me up the wrong way, and used to constantly buy things with our money that we didn't want or ask for. I actually think she was a bit unhinged in retrospect, and am wondering if your nanny is a bit like that too.

I know what it's like when you have a nanny, you can't face the upheaval etc of getting someone new. But you and your dd deserve to have someone with your best interests at heart.

bertieboo Thu 29-Nov-07 17:00:27

well right now i feel a bit sick, cos of course you are right, i need to take control. the big hurdle is how much she adores DD and the disruption in finding a new nanny. my confidence has totally been shaken. God i sound wet - i promise in RL i am a hard nosed business woman grin

bertieboo Thu 29-Nov-07 17:04:48

thanks orangina, i appreciate what you are saying - i wasnt sure i was feeling like this cos i was being a control freak overprotective mother!

bertieboo Thu 29-Nov-07 17:06:33

i thought maybe it was my jealousy causing me to feel so annoyed.... (jealous of her relatioship with my daughter while i am away from her for 10 hours a day)

orangina Thu 29-Nov-07 17:07:49

You are not wet, I do know exactly how you feel. Leaving your dd with someone while you go out to work should feel GOOD, you shouldn't feel irritated/worried/concerned by the person. Personally, I wouldn't put much stock (is that the word I'm looking for?!) in the fact that she adores dd, anyone who looks after her should adore her. You need to be able to step back and let whoever it is look after your dd and it's great that you are happy in principle to do so. But you don't want to have to worry or wonder what is going on behind your back. My relatively limited experience with nannies is that everything is totally fab for the first 3,6,9 months and then sometimes people get complacent, feel taken for granted etc (it can go both ways). I think to be starting off with someone and you aren't in that "honeymoon" phase of things, isn't a good sign.
Have a review, flag up your concerns, and if she doesn't improve her act radically, you at least have grounds for dismissal.

orangina Thu 29-Nov-07 17:08:40

Plus if I had a nanny to argued with me when I asked her to do something differently.... well, that would drive me nuts! Who is paying whose salary here?!?!?!

oranges Thu 29-Nov-07 17:09:37

I got rid of my nanny after she told me she feels like she's my mother, and adores ds like a grandson, which is why she doesn't feel she has to listen to my instructions if she thinks they are wrong. It's sort of nice but I have one very strong willed mother, and didn't want to pay to have another one.

MyEye Thu 29-Nov-07 17:10:43

She must be pretty sure that she's got you over a barrel, or she wouldn't be risking her career like this (either that, or she is, as someone else has said a bit unhinged). She sounds horrid, like she's really working on your lack of confidence/inexperience as a parent/nanny employer.
Honestly 5MOs adjust very easily, and imagine how much more tranquil the atmos at home will be when you're happy with the setup
Whereabouts are you, roughly?

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