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Bullying by Childminder's daughter !!!

(20 Posts)
MuxC Mon 02-Oct-17 13:48:33

Hello All,
I need some suggestions on a critical situation that I'm facing currently with respect to childcare. After trying many au-pairs after my nanny who was with us for more than 2 years left, I settled with a childminder. The setup started as a temporary arrangement until i find a nanny but the childminder arrangement worked well as she said she can pickup my daughter from home and drop to school and in the evening pick her up as well. so i decided to stay with this arrangement.

Problem im facing is that my 5 year old is sensitive and a qutie girl but the childminder and her daughter are very strong characters. But i can see that she is being bullied at times by the childminder's daughter. My daughter is scared of talking in front of her. That girl is 3 years older than mine. Today morning, what happened has stunned me and I'm very worried. so, this is what happened. They both were in the breakfast table and my daughetr was about to get excited when the childminder told that they will go to one of her friend's house after school. Childminder's daughter SSh'ed my daughter saying "Dont even start it" and gave a stare. This all happened in front of me and she wasn't scared of her mum or me. My daughter's face turned down and she went quite and sad. I was standing there helpless as what to say. although my childminder told her daughter that its wrong, i dont think she took/learnt anything and im sure this will continue to happen.

Being a single parent without anyone to help here and unable to find a suitable childcare arrangement, I'm kind of stuck with this option but I'm very worried that my daughter's confidence is being knocked up very badly. I'm very confused as what to do as being abused had very bad impact on me in my previous relation ship and i dont want my daughter to go through such things at this young age. On the other hand, I'm thinking if i protect her too much, then she might struggle at a later stage in her life when i'm not around. Can someone who had been in simialr situation or have suggestions help me please. Not sure where or whom to ask for this suggestion. TIA.

tinkerbellone Mon 02-Oct-17 14:03:44

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's must be so worrying for you flowers
Have there been any other incidents between this girl and your daughter that you have witnessed?

If you feel uncomfortable and worried about your daughter being with this child minder and you feel you cannot approach the CM with your concerns, maybe look for another child minder? Trust is very important with child care.

From the incident you described, It sounds like the child minder dealt with it... would you had dealt with the situation differently?

MuxC Mon 02-Oct-17 14:32:40

Hi TinkerBellOne,
Thanks for your response. I haven't directly witnessed this type of incident before but I had a gut feel that my daughter is scared of her but at the same time she asks whether she is gonna accompany her for breakfast. that's where my confusion arises. I'm getting a feel that she is trying to please CM's daughter as she is elder which I keep telling her that she should be more bold and should not care what others think and be strong.

I'm thinking may be I should start enquiring if there is any other childminder in my area as the other option. I'm also thinking before I do that, may be today evening I will have a word very politely with the CM itself raising my concern. Except this everything is ok. but keeping my lo safe mentally is also very important to me.

I would have dealt in the same way as well but when we are alone, I would re-iterate that she should treat others well...

jannier Mon 02-Oct-17 17:47:46

I'm sorry I don't understand. You witnessed one incident of typical child behaviour that was dealt with in exactly the way that you would have dealt with it.
What did you want the cm to do?

Gut feelings are important does you child say they don't like going etc? Most 5 year olds would want to copy an 8 year old and its pretty typical for the 8 year old to lead play unless you deliberately step in and say its x's turn now, I would chat to your cm about your worries Im sure she will reassure you.

Think to that the cm's daughter is going to play with her friend after school and now has a younger child tagging on, it would be normal to have some disappointment at this even from siblings, maybe ask how playdates are managed so the cm's daughter can enjoy her friend rather than build any resentments. Personally with any play date I would separate the friends from others even if it was from siblings as every friendship has a right to space. But then I never had one mindee and one child so there were always others to play with.

user1493413286 Mon 02-Oct-17 17:54:13

No to worry you more and correct me if I read it wrong but that’s been a very adult phrase from the childminders daughter as if she’s heard it by an adult and kids do tend to copy their parents.
Could you change childminders if you really aren’t comfortable with this situation?

jannier Mon 02-Oct-17 18:07:35

user1493413286 Mon 02-Oct-17 17:54:13

"No to worry you more and correct me if I read it wrong but that’s been a very adult phrase from the childminders daughter as if she’s heard it by an adult and kids do tend to copy their parents.
Could you change childminders if you really aren’t comfortable with this situation?"

It may be an adult phrase she's heard but in the modern world of an 8 year old hardly a stackable offence anyone may have used it in front of her.....the op's 5 year old isn't saying it and its not a swear word. * year olds get frustrated when they have to give everything up in terms of toys games and friends and sometimes get grumpy, hormones are flying in pre-pubescent stages and the CM dealt with it on the ONE occasion.....have you never had a child say something they shouldn't? Would you loose your job over it? Would you say change childcare if it was a minded child saying it or are cm's children supposed to be the only ones who can never put a foot wrong?

Auspiciouspanda Mon 02-Oct-17 18:13:49

Well if it's just on this one occasion I would let it go. If it happens often then I would look for another childminder because why would you pay for that?

SparklyMagpie Mon 02-Oct-17 18:14:10

How did you get on with CM OP? Did you have a word?

I'd personally just keep an eye out for now unless DD said something

Lindy2 Mon 02-Oct-17 18:37:37

To be honest the incident you describe sounds very mild. It wasn't a particularly kind thing to say but it wasn't bullying.
Children don't always behave perfectly. I'm sure that includes your own DD from time to time.
Are there are other things you are not sure about that are making you think about changing childcare? If there are you could look around for a different childminder but that's unlikely to guarantee that no child there ever makes a remark of some sort to her.
If everything else is fine then I think you are over reacting a bit. It sounds like you have, on the whole, a good arrangement.

Snap8TheCat Mon 02-Oct-17 18:44:16

Mountain and molehill spring to mind!

That’s not bullying confused

SherbertLemon2011 Mon 02-Oct-17 18:49:38

You will get lots of opinions on here but the important thing is how you know your daughter feels. Not just this one incident but in general. Is that what you want for your daughter? I can only speak for my own dc but I want them to be happy and with people who nurture them and help them to be confident. It doesn't sound like that is happening here. (Also doesn't seem to be any consequence for the childminders daughter so what is to stop her doing more of the same or worse.)

HSMMaCM Mon 02-Oct-17 21:34:14

I don't think as a one off this incident is more then an every day grumpy child's response. However ... if your gut feeling is telling you that your DD is unhappy, then you should explore what other options you have.

jannier Tue 03-Oct-17 14:14:05

SherbertLemon2011

What consequences would you give your 8 year old for saying this? in genera the normal guidance is one explanation one warning one consequence so I find it interesting you would go straight to a consequence. There has only been one incident and the action taken was what the op admits she would have done herself, she then says she would have brought it up again later on a one to one.....but we don't know that the cm didn't and actually advice for such things is you act now say what is needed and move on not keep revisiting.

Butterymuffin Tue 03-Oct-17 14:35:55

Have you talked, carefully, to your DD about whether she is happy at the childminder's? Has she said anything of her own accord, or when you've been talking about her day to her, about problems?

In terms of 'being bold' and 'not caring what others think', in my experience 5 yos are simply not able to do this yet. It's quite an ask even for children a few years older. That doesn't mean don't say this to her, but don't expect her to really be able to act on it just yet. It's the job of adults around her to make sure no child gets unduly pressured by others.

If you don't like the vibe at the childminder's, look for another. You don't have to leave her somewhere you or she is unhappy with. But do talk to her first - it doesn't sound like you have necessarily done this.

GotToGetMyFingerOut Tue 03-Oct-17 14:39:28

I have been in this situation. My youngest daughter is two years younger than my childminders daughter. She absolutely hated going there and in the end it turned out the childminders daughter was bullying her.

I suggest you find another childminder.

SherbertLemon2011 Tue 03-Oct-17 16:01:51

Jannier

A consequence doesn't have to be a sanction per se. It's each to their own but if it were my dc at 8 years old I would have had a discussion with them at the time about how it was not a kind way to talk to someone and to think about how it would make someone feel. They might then think 'what could they do to make up for this' and then their decision may be that they would apologise (consequences being the deep thinking about their behaviour and the impact of this and taking responsibility). The OP doesn't think the child will have learnt anything and it should like they were talked at and not had a discussion with which is the point I was getting at

jannier Thu 05-Oct-17 08:02:17

SherbertLemon2011.............The cm did talk to the child at the time we don't know exactly what as said but that the op would have said the same if it had been her own child so how do you know that this hasn't been the case. Its also very hard to have a conversation at the time of another child being collected and very possible more was said after. PIck up time is for the parent and child to be updated on the day. The same happens in school you don't always stop and have a long conversation there and then leaving the class to waste time you sort the class then the child.

HSMMaCM Thu 05-Oct-17 09:21:58

I would have pulled my DD up briefly and then spoken to her more sternly after work. Hopefully the CM did this, but we don't know.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 08-Oct-17 21:46:16

So your dd was going to go to your cms friend for a play date after school and the cm dd basically told her to shush her excitement?

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 08-Oct-17 21:46:44

Maybe see if that cm has spaces

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