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Childminders - talk to me about your DP's and housework

(24 Posts)
YourHandInMyHand Thu 23-Mar-17 08:34:38

Okay. So I work full time, 10 hour days with no breaks, from home as a childminder. DP works full time in an office job.

I am doing EVERYTHING and getting really really cheesed off. He knew I was mad last night and stated that he's really mentally and emotionally drained from his job and so I need to tell him what needs doing and he will do it.

From my point of view I am extremely physically tired from MY job (of which I get no breaks and are longer days) and yet my options are do everything, or have to micro-manage a grown adult and tell him every night that we need tea cooking, that the tea pots need washing, that the laundry needs hanging up/putting on.

For heavens sake!

So has anyone else had this issue?

He is a brilliant partner in all other aspects but admits he isn't as house proud as me and more lazy when it comes to household chores.

It's really make me lose respect and affection for him. He's been like a sad eeyore character this morning before going off to work and I know it's because I'd had enough of his laziness last night. And I know his job is hard right now but we are both adults working full time so in my view he should be helping at home. I'm not even bothered about it being a 50/50 split but he's not even trying to help!

Doglikeafox Thu 23-Mar-17 13:27:54

I find very similar. Every single night my DP comes in from work, has a meal (I cook for me and the children at 5pm, he takes leftovers to work the next day) and leaves the kitchen in a total mess. He doesn't get home from work until 10pm, so I am usually asleep. I wake up in the morning at 6am ready to start work at 7am and his shoes and work bag are in the (very narrow) hallway, the pots and pans are all over the side with food just left out, his cup of tea is on the side in the lounge with all the cushions askew etc etc. It only takes me 10 minutes to tidy up all his crap, but it's an extra ten minutes that I don't want to waste. Some mornings I wake up a bit later and then have to welcome the children into a messy, dirty house.
If i had any other job, I would just leave his crap but I can't in this career.

YourHandInMyHand Thu 23-Mar-17 13:44:23

Yes that's the rub isn't it. We can't leave the house a mess as it needs to be presentable for mindees and parents, as well as Ofsted!

So I can't leave his cups everywhere, his coins on the side, etc.

Our bedroom, especially on his side is an absolute TIP as he's messy and it's the one room in the house apart from my son's bedroom that doesn't have to be presentable to the public. So I leave it messy but it fills me with annoyance and resentment every time I walk in our bedroom! Not good for our relationship!

I'm so fed up of all the meal prep, washing, cleaning, tidying etc. I do breakfast for me and mindees, then snack, then lunch, then snack, then kid's light tea, then family tea, (of which ds eats something different)! All my mindees are messy toddlers so I'm putting high chairs in and out every food time, and cleaning the floor each time etc. Then all the pots.

I'm shattered!

We are talking about having a child together but if things don't change on the housework front we won't be!

IHeartDodo Thu 23-Mar-17 13:55:35

To be honest it sounds like you need a cleaner!
You both have demanding jobs and are tired out every evening. Even if you split the work it'd be quite a bit. Can you afford it?

YourHandInMyHand Thu 23-Mar-17 14:04:13

IHeartDodo possibly we could get and afford a cleaner, but it's more the daily stuff eg cooking, washing pots, tidying, and laundry. I'm thinking it's this sort of thing a cleaner doesn't do?

We could get one in to do the dusting, hoovering, vacuuming, etc.. I vacuum at least once a day anyway when mindees go home so it's clean for the next day.

lovelynannytobe Thu 23-Mar-17 14:08:15

I had a cleaner once a week for 3 hours when i childminded. She was a godsend. She cleaned only the rooms I childminded from and the bathroom I used for childminding. I put it through as cost.
Pots and pans I washed up straight away as we had no dishwasher. With hanging the washing I involved the children ... they loved hanging it and then matching up the socks when dry. Get a cleaner to help you out like I did smile

lovelynannytobe Thu 23-Mar-17 14:13:31

Cooking doesn't have to be difficult. I know it's a struggle during the week. I just do easy stuff or a lazy ready meal if I can't face it.
Tyding up ... just don't let it get untidy ... mindees should be able to put the toys away when finished ... the rest is just the case of telling the family members not to leave stuff lying around ...

BToperator Thu 23-Mar-17 14:15:42

I think it is particularly difficult in your situation, because due to your job a lot of the housework, forms part of your work. I feel for your DP a bit, as it must be difficult to draw a line between what forms part of your work, and what is general housework, and therefore joint responsibility. That said, that is no excuse for him being a lazy arse. Can the two of you come up with some jobs that can become solely his responsibility, so you don't need to keep telling him?

Yukbuck Thu 23-Mar-17 19:07:01

What about doing some batch cooking? So when you're making a bolognese for the mindees, make twice or even 3 times the amount. And freeze for your family too. Meal plan and do simple things for the mindees. Do the washing and hang out while they are there. I'm a nanny and have up to 4 kids on any one day (nanny share) and I totally get where you're coming from with the tired aspect. I'm always knackered and my own home gets neglected but since you're working from your home I would do things as you go along.
Maybe take a Sunday afternoon one day to just batch cook loads. Then that's one less thing to do during the week.

HiMyNameIsUnknown Thu 23-Mar-17 19:24:48

OP that sounds difficult.

As another poster said batch cooking might help or making simpler foods on midweek days where preparation is simple. Ie that way one of you can defrost/cook or prep dinner while the other does a clear up.

Any quick wins that you can do? Do you have a dishwasher and if not can you get one? Can you change when you do laundry?

You both work so both need to share responsibility so perhaps agree tasks/days things need done. He needs to step up though!

thisgirlrides Thu 23-Mar-17 22:15:54

I hear you ! I do agree however that the nature of our job does mean day-to-day chores naturally fall in our shoulders and the blurred line between work & home doesn't help. I've recently increased my hours and am looking to get a cleaner once a week (if I can actually find one available in the hours that work with naps, mealtimes and school runs hmm) but my DH could definitely do more.
I've found that putting him in charge of specific chores (bins, garden, diy, some weekend cooking, cleaning the bath, taking dc to weekend activities or doing late pick-ups etc) helps and will moan A LOT very loudly if he doesn't at least clear up after himself angry.
My dc are also getting to an age where they can with bribery at least tidy & Hoover their own rooms each week now so that's another job off the list.

YourHandInMyHand Fri 24-Mar-17 10:14:08

I do all the childminding related housework, cooking, and cleaning. Eg I clean up when theres just one left here or just after they leave, and of course I do keep on top of things during the day.

I just want him to help with our family stuff. So we have a meal each evening and pots to wash. We both make laundry. We both need to keep the bedroom clean and tidy etc. Even taking the rubbish out, picking up after and feeding the dog etc. He does none of it.

I will chat about a cleaner this weekend but the bottom line is he is leaving every bit of it to me and it's making me feel differently about him which is upsetting.

Yukbuck Fri 24-Mar-17 21:10:38

But you could get him to do some batch cooking too. So then it's just a case of heating up and washing the pots.

Maryann1975 Fri 24-Mar-17 21:42:29

The batch cooking is a good idea. I have loads of tubs of food in the freezer for the children's lunches. Makes dinner time much easier.
I know what you mean about the lines being blurred between general housework and housework created by my job. Luckily at the moment Dh is quite supportive of my job and is quite happy to wash bottles and bibs, move buggies and high chairs and put toys away. But I do the majority of the housework. But i also have one day off a week so work less hours than him. This has actually made a massive difference to my ability to keep on top of everything and not feel so bogged down with my job and everything that goes with it. But i do know it won't last forever and I will have to work five days a week one of these days.
I've given Dh set jobs to do during the week, so he empties the bins, cooks once a week and washes up after tea and cleans the bathroom once a week. This helps me feel like he is pulling his weight, but also I dont need to tell him every day what he should be doing, because he knows what he is expected to do.

YourHandInMyHand Sun 26-Mar-17 12:37:13

Yes I like the idea of giving him set jobs eg bathroom on a weekend, tea certain days a week etc. Am going to have a chat and suggest that, and also look at us getting a cleaner.

Thanks for all your replies. It's hard to get things straight in terms of what I'm not happy with and what I want so writing it all down has helped.

hookiewookie29 Sun 26-Mar-17 16:17:11

Do you have children of your own? Are they old enough to do jobs around the house?
For starters, I would try a rota-him doing tea on certain days, cleaning the bathroom etc.
If that fails, get a cleaner! I wouldn't even discuss it with him-he's leaving it all to you, so that's your solution!!

thisgirlrides Sun 26-Mar-17 20:07:51

I would also suggest working a 4 day week where financially possible. I now have just before school in a Friday and it makes a MASSIVE difference to both mine & my families week.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 26-Mar-17 20:13:12

Good grief. OP has a DP who doesn't pull his weight at home which is her workplace, expects her to tell him what to do and the advice of Mumsnet is employ another woman to do the housework, or OP should batch cook?!? How about the overgrown child she lives with behaves like an adult and does his share?

Yukbuck Mon 27-Mar-17 10:44:08

Actually... we have said they could both do some batch cooking. He's working too!!
I think when you work at home you naturally do more of the housework.

YourHandInMyHand Mon 27-Mar-17 13:48:38

EElisaveta I was mildly surprised by the answers considering it's MN. If I'd posted in the relationships topic I'd probably have gotten tonnes of LTB responses.

I thought maybe other childminders would be the ones to ask seeing as it's a bit different when you work from home. I don't mind if I do a BIT more than him, but don't see why I should do 100% of it, or even 90 or 80%. We both work full time.

Yes I have a child, he's 11 and has special needs and yet he puts his laundry in the laundry basket, can put a wash on when I ask him to, tidies up, etc. I'd say he does more around the house than DP!

He is a lovely man in every other way but housework. So I'm hoping we can find a solution!

I do batch cook at times but with the amount of us who eat cooked meals here even a batch cooked meal will do 2 meals tops. DP rarely cooks, now and again he'll say oh I'll cook a curry at the weekend, but then doesn't.

Fairybella Mon 27-Mar-17 13:56:21

I was the same as you about 6 weeks ago and ended up losing it massively we had a huge chat. I suggested he pulls his weight or does his own cooking, cleaning, washing etc in a home he lives alone in because I was done. Ever since I've had so much help that one Sunday afternoon I even dosed off!! We don't have a rota we just dive in and get everything done together. So much happier and so much more respect for my lovely dp now x

YourHandInMyHand Mon 27-Mar-17 14:00:48

Glad things have improved Fairybella. Me and DP lived apart in our own houses for 18 months before living together, I feel like I've gained a grown man's washing, cooking, mess, pots, etc with no HELP to go along with it.

I'd been a single mum for years and am very used to getting on and getting things done on my own, perhaps too much so and he knows I will just do stuff but as a cm I can't leave things a mess. So frustrating.

glenthebattleostrich Mon 27-Mar-17 14:17:33

Childminder here! (It's nap time, I'm not neglecting my little darlings)

DH and i have had many many rows about how I'm at home all day do should do the cleaning. I made it damned clear I'm here to care for children, entertain and educate them. It would be great if i could stick cbeebies on for an hour and do some cleaning but that's not what people pay me for.

It took him having some holiday while i was working to see what i actually did to make him realise that my job isn't chucking a biscuit at kids while i sit on my arse drinking coffee.

Now, i clean up the mess from work daily. Our cleaner comes 4 hours a week to deep clean the house and do the 'big' jobs like changing beds and cleaning the fridge, a lovely lady takes our ironing away once per week (dh pays at its mostly his work shirts). On a weekend we both do our fair share. I've been very clear with DH that the alternative is we don't live in the same house anymore.

The rest is split between us as i have enough kids to care for each week without him behaving like a manchild.

And on the, he's tired from work. Well boo hoo. I work 60 hours per week in a very physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting job. If i can manage to switch on the dishwasher and put some rubbish out I'm damned sure he can too.

jannier Mon 27-Mar-17 18:33:22

I think unless they are at home and actually see what a day is and how full on it can be they imagine a day at home is like being a mummy with loads of time to do the chores (ha ha) when actually its even more full on....most cant even be a dad and do a job or two. My husband was unlucky enough to have an accident as work and needed to spend 3 weeks at home this totally opened his eyes and now he will come in and start on things if I'm still working and even tidy my work stuff away. I wouldn't recommend pushing them off a ladder or similar but I would suggest they spend a few days home resting with you....

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