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Wwyd paying grandparent for babysitting?

(44 Posts)
Changingoftheguard Wed 08-Mar-17 19:59:56

Hi there, really looking for some advice as I'm not sure what to do here.

I recently went back to work, beforehand it was arranged that a close family member of mine would be the primary carer for ds, this was of course discussed and agreed with dp. We arranged an amount that would be paid each month and everyone seems happy.

However since going back my dps mum has asked to look after ds on a number of occasions, this was something she asked to do as wanted to spend some quality time with ds which is lovely. She never mentioned wanting to look after in or chip in before I went back to work so didn't think much of it. The first time she had ds was for about 5 hours and I offered her £10 which she took, maybe I shouldn't have offered but I wanted to get her some flowers but didn't have time as it was last minute.

Since then she's asked to have him more and more and each time takes money from me, last time she said it was for petrol costs.

I really don't know what to do as it's costing me more and more each week as ds isn't going to agreed family member as pre arranged but we are still paying her as this was agreed. I'm the one who generally finishes work earlier so it's left to me to sort, I've spoke to dp but tbh he doesn't say much 😕

Now if I'd asked dps mum to have ds then I would offer but she is saying she wants to have him.

Ds is just over one and we have another little one on the way so I'm trying to save as much as possible and also sort our house out as well as usual living costs.

What would you do in this situation? I like ds going to the pre arranged care giver as he gets out and about, interacts with other children etc...

Changingoftheguard Wed 08-Mar-17 20:09:23

Bump?

SuperPug Wed 08-Mar-17 20:10:47

I wouldn't have offered money in the first place. She's not babysitting, she's looking after her grandchild confused
She's now just taking money from you. Don't give it- if she asks, mention the above and how you need it.
Money for activities makes sense, money for just looking after your grandchild ?!?

Curioushorse Wed 08-Mar-17 20:12:04

Tell her. Does she know you're basically paying for childcare twice?

ChicRock Wed 08-Mar-17 20:12:22

Well she can only take money from you if you're offering it.

Stop offering it. Problem solved.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Wed 08-Mar-17 20:17:50

That's awful!! I have my gs for a day or 2 every week overnight. Dil (ex actually) sends nappies /wipes /milk and I go fetch him and she picks him up. (25 miles each way) no way would I take money - she always thanks me even though I say no need!! She does appreciate the free childcare aspect as well as her ds having a relationship with our side of his family. We are glad we have a good relationship with him (and her!) Financial gain should never be an aspect of such an arrangement imo.

Changingoftheguard Wed 08-Mar-17 20:18:12

I wish it was that simple chic, I now feel I have to, it's my own fault for offering I know but she didn't decline in taking it.

If my mum looks after ds she would be mortified if I offered money, she's told me this and yeah she knows, she started offering when she realised we were paying other family member but that's different this person is his primary carer when we're at work, it's my own fault just need to figure out how to sort it

ispymincepie Wed 08-Mar-17 20:19:02

I used to pay my Mum to look after my dd because she's self employed and I asked her to give up a days work to provide childcare for me. I had to go back to work when dd was 5mo and I didn't want to leave her with anyone else. But what you're doing is madness! I would tell her she can't babysit as you're already paying for childcare elsewhere.

Changingoftheguard Wed 08-Mar-17 20:22:25

Wishi dps mum lives about 20 mile away so I do understand its petrol costs but she's offering to look after him 😕 I make sure his lunch/tea is sorted, everything is there ready for her, snacks for her to pick at so it's not costing her per say just the petrol and now she's said she uses it towards this & accepts I feel I can't get out of it, don't want to upset her but I'm dipping into my next mat savings to get by

RandomMess Wed 08-Mar-17 20:22:28

Dp needs to tell his Mum "if you want to see DS whilst we're at work that is fine, however we won't be able to pay you anymore as we pay xyz as his nanny/childminder as was agreed"

ChristmasSeacow Wed 08-Mar-17 20:23:17

I would ask her nicely whether she wants to make it a regular arrangement? Explain that at the moment because it is ad hoc you are still having to pay for your childminder, And that with another baby coming you can't afford to have any double costs. If she doesn't want a regular commitment that's absolutely fine but it just means that if she does fancy spending the odd day with DS you won't be able to pay her whilst also paying your childminder.

It will feel like a difficult conversation (much easier with your own mum than MIL!) but you are giving her a choice and being honest about not being able to double pay, which I think most people would understand is not a very desirable situation!

Changingoftheguard Wed 08-Mar-17 20:25:49

Ispy that's completely different and I would totally do the same in your shoes, it's the right thing to do, really don't want to offend her or cause any rifts with the family but I'm gonna have to say something. She's having him tomorrow and after hearing what your all saying I'm gonna have to bite the bullet, wasn't 100% sure if my thinking was right but I think it is

Changingoftheguard Wed 08-Mar-17 20:29:43

I like the way you've put that Christmas, it's just the if she says she wants to make it regular I feel awful and the pre arranged minder as this was discussed/arranged ages ago and they will be out of pocket when they've changed there plans. This isn't just because it's my family, dp agreed she was the best person to have him, he adores her and I he gets out and about with her

DianaMemorialJam Wed 08-Mar-17 20:38:21

Just say 'mil' is it ok if we stop the weekday visits because I'm still paying our nanny/childminder? We can still bring him on a Sunday(or whatever)'

Hopefully she will either say ok np or waive the money.

ChicRock Wed 08-Mar-17 20:41:30

How many times a week is this happening?

I notice it's you paying for this, dipping into your mat savings, and not your DP, despite it being his mother hmm.

Try telling your DP "I had to pay your mum £10 today - can I have that money back from you please".

Changingoftheguard Wed 08-Mar-17 20:46:19

It varies from once to three times a week depending on what she's doing but she's wanting to start having him more from what she's been saying and I have said this to him but then he forgets about it!

He's so airy fairy at times and I've said we need to get this sorted it's just awkward when theres family and money involved I feel if he says something to her she will think I've put him up to it which I will have done.

PurplePen Wed 08-Mar-17 20:49:58

"Airy fairy", "he forgets about it", my arse.

This little set up suits your DP perfectly.

His mum gets to see your DS as and when she likes and gets paid for it, which keeps her off your DP's case.

And it doesn't cost him a penny because it's you dipping into your savings to cover it.

You're being taken for a mug by both of them.

DropZoneOne Wed 08-Mar-17 20:53:23

The next time she asks to have him say no because he's with the childminder that day. Or get your DP to have the conversation, it's his mum after all!

NapQueen Wed 08-Mar-17 20:55:36

Id ask her if she wants to do a regular thing then make it a day you are off. That way ds and the prearranged paid for childcare is still going and she gets a morning with him on her own to do whatever while you get on with other stuff.

Changingoftheguard Wed 08-Mar-17 20:56:48

It is always left to me to deal with and I've said this to him! Thing is it's me she contacts never goes through dp so left to me to sort, she doesn't ask if she can have him she just says I'll be over on so and so.

She does love ds and I know we're lucky to have people that love and care for him around so I don't want to damage that in any way but I just cannot keep doing it

Changingoftheguard Wed 08-Mar-17 21:00:31

She's quite forth coming, she will ask what we're working, I tell her and she says she'll be over on ... there's no would this suit you and other family member, I genuinely feel bad having to say I can't keep doing it but I actually can't, I don't want her to feel pushed out, by all means she can spend time with him but I can't keep paying out.

ClemDanfango Wed 08-Mar-17 21:21:06

"Hi MIL, sorry but I can't afford to keep bringing DS to you in the week as I'm already paying out for childcare and we're trying to save, we'd love to bring him over for a few hours on Sundays (or whenever suits)."

Just keep it light.

Changingoftheguard Wed 08-Mar-17 21:26:01

Thanks clem but she comes over to our house so I can't "get out" of it, I'm gonna have to be brave and be upfront with her I think

BarryTheKestrel Wed 08-Mar-17 21:44:54

You need to tell her these weekday visits stop now, or at least that you wont be paying her for it. If you needed her to provide childcare, payment of some kind would be appropriate, however as she is hijacking your DS from his regular, paid for, childcare that is her choice and no payment should be given. If she continues, ignore her requests and take DS to his regular childcare as normal, she'll soon learn after a wasted journey or two.

ClemDanfango Wed 08-Mar-17 21:52:03

You can change it to "sorry MIL I can't afford to pay your petrol costs on top of pre arranged childcare so it will have to be us coming to you (on whatever day suits you)"
If Your DP won't contact her to discuss then I agree you'll have to be upfront about it, though you really shouldn't have to, it's his mum after all.

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