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new nanny - AIBU?

(53 Posts)
trumpisanotherwordfor Sun 05-Jun-16 21:21:34

DD is 17mo. I have mostly looked after her myself until now, but I have started back at work for three days a week and have employed a Nanny for those days.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m unassertive or give the impression that I don’t know what I am doing but this Nanny is insisting that she is right and I am wrong about some aspects of DD care.

I’ll try and give some examples.

When DD eats she likes each food type separately. If she’s having chicken, potatoes and vegetables, she doesn’t mind the order they come in, but she doesn’t want them all on one plate.. The nanny insists on giving them to her all on one plate. This, for some reason, upsets DD and she refuses to eat any of it, which leads to the nanny telling me she is a bad eater and that I have spoiled her. I try to explain that she will eat her meals if she’s given each type of food separately, but the nanny says that it is not rational and that she is going to continue to give it to her all together until she gets so hungry that she eats it. Of course this leads to lots of crying and screaming and – when I have come in, in the middle of it – a tearful, red faced, hungry DD.

DD has a comfort blanket, which is quite cumbersome and dirty, but it's her thing. It’s her main comfort mechanism. But the Nanny hates it during the day (she is fine with it at night) and pulls it away from her every time she picks it up. This leads DD to cry and scream needlessly, and just creates a problem between them when there doesn’t have to be one. I keep telling her that I am okay with it and want DD to continue to carry it around, but it doesn't seem to change anything.

If DD cries because she’s tired or someone won’t pick her up, the Nanny says things to her like “ grow up and be a big girl.” Or “no I’m not picking you up, you’re being a baby.” Of course, DD cries again. This is doing nothing to bond the nanny and DD and that’s exactly what I want to happen to reassure me now I’m back at work.

The Nanny doesn’t like food wastage, nor to buy any fresh food for DD even though I offer her money specifically to do it. She likes DD to eat leftovers from mine and DH’s meals. So she reheats a lot of food and gives it to DD for lunch and dinner. This is fine to a point, but sometimes she does it without checking best before dates and gives DD stuff beyond best before. She reheats a lot of chicken and rice, which I’m just not comfortable with for DD.

She can’t seem to spend time with DD without being given an activity to do. Eg, she loses patience quickly just in a room with DD and her toys. She craves to go out and go to different things with DD, like different softplays, different parks, different playdates. I can’t/don't have the time to provide all this for her, and don't actually want it. I actually I don’t think DD needs to be constantly stimulated by external things. DD is good at imaginary play, like pouring tea for her teddies, but I understand that not everyone is into that. Are they?

I feel like a lot of this is because the Nanny thinks she is doing me a favour by giving me some childcare hacks to make my life easier outside of work. I don't think she's a bad nanny at all. She has been great with DD in many other ways.

I understand I am probably being a bit PFB, but ultimately this nanny is only three weeks in the job and surely she should be listening to me a bit more or trying to do what I want?

Do you think IABU?

Fairuza Sun 05-Jun-16 21:25:01

What are you doing? There is no way I would stand by and let anyone, especially someone I am paying, be so horrible to my 2 year old confused I don't get this at all.

I'd look for new childcare, and start being more assertive quickly if you plan to be an employer.

SoftSheen Sun 05-Jun-16 21:28:05

She sounds absolutely dreadful. Your poor DD. Definitely look at other childcare options.

nam207 Sun 05-Jun-16 21:28:08

She sounds awful. You're the employer and she needs to take direction from you. I'd get rid of her asap and find someone more kind and caring.

GeoffreysGoat Sun 05-Jun-16 21:28:49

Nanny can get to fuck. She'd be nowhere near my child and I only read half the post!

Fairuza Sun 05-Jun-16 21:30:46

Just the fact that she has no natural empathy for a baby and won't cuddle her and takes her comforter away would be a deal breaker for me.

If it was just the food issues I would give her written instructions and insist she follows them.

I'm astounded you are tolerating, and even paying, for this though.

StringyPotatoes Sun 05-Jun-16 21:31:16

As a nanny, I say get a new nanny.

At 17mths your DD IS a baby and needs lots of cuddles and reassurance - especially a new nanny that she doesn't know well.

Everyone has different opinions on things like comforters and food being served separately/all on one plate but 3 weeks into the job is not the time to be laying down the law to someone who is employing you!! If it's that important to her she should be suggesting a plan in which you work together to get the point where all food is on one plate and if you say no then end of discussion.

If she deliberately upsets your DD and won't offer reassurance then she's not a great nanny IMO

lightgreenglass Sun 05-Jun-16 21:32:07

Your baby is 17 mo. I still classify her a baby and not a big girl, you need a new nanny.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Sun 05-Jun-16 21:33:20

Where did you find this nanny?

Primaryteach87 Sun 05-Jun-16 21:33:28

I have a very similar age child, no WAY I'd accept this nanny's treatment of my child.

Get rid of her and get a new one. I have a few friends who are nanny and I know they would never upset a child needlessly like this or dismiss their boss's feelings.

CityDweller Sun 05-Jun-16 21:33:35

What on earth is your hesitation in getting rid of this nanny? It clearly isn't working out and she isn't able to care for your daughter in the way she needs to be cared for.

Ilovewillow Sun 05-Jun-16 21:36:53

She sounds awful! I suspect all nannies don't agree with certain elements in all jobs but unless the child is neglected or then it's not their business. They are there to work within your guidelines. By all means ask their advice (they have seen a lot of children) and I would expect them to offer suggestions.

I would seriously consider getting rid of her she really does sound awful!

Eeeek686 Sun 05-Jun-16 21:39:35

No - Get rid of the bloody nanny, she sounds like a nazi. Who deliberately upsets a toddler?? Especially a so-called 'expert' in childcare! And when it goes against your wishes/chosen tried and tested practises!

She sounds like a Douche.

shirkingworking Sun 05-Jun-16 21:43:23

Oh my goodness! Get rid of her, she sounds dreadful. Even months into the job, she can suggest things like introducing mixing foods a little, or trying to wean DD off the comfort blanket but you are her mother and the nanny's boss! She needs to look after her as you want her to. I had a nanny a bit like that (not so extreme) but was shocked when I heard her saying a baby we started doing a nanny share with, who was 11 months, had been 'spoilt' and picked up too much and needed to start behaving like a 'big girl'. Got rid of her asap after that. Don't let her undermine your parenting - makes my blood boil. Grr. Good luck!! But, honestly, there are so many warm and lovely nannies out there. They might my be perfect about tidying etc but most nannies are nannies because they love being with children. Sure, they are often more 'experienced' than a first time mum but they should never ever dictate how your child should be brought up. I am sad I kept my nightmare nanny for as long as I did and didn't trust my instincts.

Tatiebee Sun 05-Jun-16 21:50:22

I think your nanny is in the wrong job, it sounds like she doesn't even like children.

MrsFogi Sun 05-Jun-16 23:24:57

No way would I put up with that - I had nannies so that my dcs would be brought up in a way that I wanted rather than fitting in at a child minders or nursery. You should be saying how you want things done and to run and if the nanny can't/won't do that I would be getting rid asap. In fact I would be getting rid and then starting afresh setting out right at the beginning how you want things run/to be done.

Artistic Mon 06-Jun-16 00:30:14

Yikes. I'd be chasing her away from my child with a stick!

My child, my rules. Simple.

Balletgirlmum Mon 06-Jun-16 00:34:56

Get rid - now.

I reached this conclusion from only reading the first part of your post about the food. The rest just got worse.

Willow2016 Mon 06-Jun-16 01:17:58

No way!
Tell her to get to f' tomorrow. Take time of work and find a nanny who knows what she is doing! Stand up for your dd and kick this crazy woman into touch.
Only read first 2 paragraphs to come to that conclusion.
Your her employer, you set the terms, your way of parenting, your baby your rules, tell her to go and bully some other baby!

Tell her not to let the door bang her ass on the way out. smile

MrsSpecter Mon 06-Jun-16 01:22:02

Ok for starters, get this woman away from your child. And secondly, and just as important, get yourself some assertiveness coaching! I cannot believe you allowed anyone to treat your child like that let alone someone you employed to care for her.

FabFiveFreddie Mon 06-Jun-16 01:26:48

I think you know that this set up is no good. Your phraseology gives you away. You know what you have to do.

Newmanwannabe Mon 06-Jun-16 01:42:38

Everything you said you do with your DD is perfectly rational, I think the nanny sounds quite cruel.

Even if your ideas were completely loopy at the end of the day you are the parent and the nannys boss so she should do what you ask of her. Think of it as a good experience in how to get an employee to follow your guidelines for next time

marmitecrumpets Mon 06-Jun-16 01:43:23

Poor baby sad
This made me so sad.
Please get a new Nanny

clarrrp Mon 06-Jun-16 02:13:34

so basically you expect your nanny to pander to your daughter the same way you do?

MrsSpecter Mon 06-Jun-16 02:26:59

Clarrp you're on a roll tonight. Have you got a bet going to see how many people you can make cry? hmm

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