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How do I get my husband to 'own' childcare?

(28 Posts)
BlackSwan Tue 24-Nov-15 20:44:30

My DH has very successfully managed not to have anything to do with the childcare arrangements for our son. I'm the one who has had to advertise and/or pay agencies, conduct interviews, organise contracts, manage taxation etc and that's just the beginning.

He has no responsibility for managing the nannies/au pairs & just acts like they're not there essentially. Exchanges pleasantries as required at dinner time, but doesn't even so much as call the au pair down for dinner - and won't if asked, as if it's awkward. If he finds fault with anything, he will hassle me about it and ask me to tell the girl do things his preferred way. I work full time. I am quite over it.

Am I the only one married to a 1950's husband? How do I fix this?

TotalConfucius Tue 24-Nov-15 20:48:35

Take a six month sabbatical.
Tell your DH you've been posted abroad for six months.
Disappear.
He'll have it all worked out by the time you return.
No help, I know, but if wishes were horses....

BlackSwan Tue 24-Nov-15 20:50:38

I LOVE it. That would solve so much...

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 24-Nov-15 20:55:28

and won't if asked What the actual fuck?!

I think the only way you can fix it is to tell him that you have done your turn now over the last <x> years. It is his turn now, all the childcare tasks are his for the same number of years. You are giving him, say, 2 months notice of this change in arrangement.

You must actually follow through. No matter what.

Frankly, if he kicks off I'd be kicking him out.

Believeitornot Tue 24-Nov-15 20:56:25

Just tell him to do it. Keep repeating. I have this with my dh and started giving him little tasks about what to do. He got used to it.

BlackSwan Tue 24-Nov-15 20:58:07

Thank you for backing me up - it's bullshit. I'm tired of it.

PowerPantsRule Tue 24-Nov-15 21:32:08

I am in the same position entirely as for your first paragraph and it gets me pissed off - I mean the whole house benefits from our nanny not just me!

Second paragraph, I'd be beyond furious if my dh did this. It's RUDE! He needs to desist and start seeing your au pair or nanny as integral to your home and family!

Jenijena Tue 24-Nov-15 21:33:43

Mr Banks in Mary Poppins did more. Perhaps have a family film afternoon and point this out...

He sounds rude and entitled. Presumably has other redeeming qualities?

HSMMaCM Tue 24-Nov-15 21:38:11

My DH leaves me to organise school stuff, dance stuff, etc for DD, but he would get in the way help if asked. He does other things that I can't be bothered to do.

He would not ignore someone living / working in our home though. That's just rude. Is he worried you'll think he's getting too close and feeling uncomfortable about a woman(assuming it's a woman) in the house ?

Anyway, he needs to step up and stop making it your job. I have volunteered for my household jobs, as has DH.

Iwantakitchen Wed 25-Nov-15 12:11:44

I would give him a very specific task set, Such as managing the financial side of things, and leave it to him.

MyballsareSandy2015 Wed 25-Nov-15 12:15:33

He's not shagging her is he? Would explain the 'overly distant' way he behaves with her, just a thought.

OnlyLovers Wed 25-Nov-15 12:27:17

and won't if asked

Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Ememem84 Wed 25-Nov-15 12:29:43

disclaimer - i don't have kids

but i am afraid that if we did, this is what DH would be like. he barely does anything at the moment - and when he does, you'd have thought he had just flown himself to space or something. yesterday he pointed out that while i was at my evening class he'd done a food shop, two loads of washing cooked dinner and washed up. and because he'd done all that, could he have a lift to the airport this morning.

that's just normal house hold chores.

this is what puts me off having kids that and MIL has said the minute we do she'll be staying with us for 6 months. but thats a whole other story and not for here

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 25-Nov-15 13:54:14

Why do you allow him to be like this?

Children and childcare for them are a joint responsibility

Does he help pay or does that Come out of your sole wages?

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 25-Nov-15 13:55:14

Amazed your child carer stays working for you

I wouldn't under these circumstances

chrome100 Wed 25-Nov-15 14:07:05

I feel sorry for the APs. He sounds very unfriendly.

BlackSwan Thu 26-Nov-15 06:34:41

No he isn't shagging her, but nice try.

Why do I 'allow' him to be like this? Really, very helpful.

Yes, I think it's hardly welcoming & I'm not like that so it makes me uncomfortable. But contrary to your expectations, I'm not able to change his personality. But I would like him to take the load off me a little.

BlackSwan Thu 26-Nov-15 06:36:10

Yes OnlyLovers, that's exactly my response to his reluctance.

BlackSwan Thu 26-Nov-15 06:37:13

Ememem84 - you're forewarned!

annandale Thu 26-Nov-15 06:40:50

So say you don't understand how this has happened, that he's a great dad and involved with his children so how come he has dropped the ball when the care is delegated? That the au pair is working for both of you and he's not stepping up?

A bit of dripping water technique involving repeating 'why don't you ask her yourself' may also be needed.

JassyRadlett Thu 26-Nov-15 06:50:42

What's his response when you challenge him on this stuff? Why does he think it's ok?

ratherworriednow Thu 26-Nov-15 06:55:20

So, you have your own career, dc and a lazy husband who won't do his fair share. Are you up on the deal? What is it you're getting that makes it worthwhile?

PennyHasNoSurname Thu 26-Nov-15 06:59:43

Is there any aspect of Family Life that DH tales sole responsibility for? Im just trying to show a different take on this - not every single thing has to be split exactly down the middle, just each parent has to contribute equally. Maybe there is something he does entirely within the home?

Time to sit down and explain that alongside your job, the managing of the Nannys/APs is too big a job for one person. If he is as decent as you say, he should understand.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Mon 30-Nov-15 12:37:37

My DH is like this. It extends to any sort of outsourced help though. Cleaner, window cleaner, dealing with builders, chimney sweeps, the best one - calling to order a sodding takeaway !! He finds it a huge struggle to have conversations with them to the point of refusing to do it point blank.

Funny how he manages to manage 30 people at work.... presumably that's why HR was invented.

He doesn't pretend that the nanny is not there though and is generally quite sociable and this does send me stratospheric.
If he finds fault with anything, he will hassle me about it and ask me to tell the girl do things his preferred way.

Any opportunity for a business trip coming up? grin

BlackSwan Fri 04-Dec-15 19:19:50

TreadSoftly - yes, this is the kind of man I mean. I'm glad I'm not alone. Nah... no business trip. Sigh...

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