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setting the rules

(15 Posts)
wizzywig Sun 28-Jun-15 14:53:56

hi all. im relatively new to employing a nanny and im finding certain things a bit uncomfortable to deal with so im coming here for advice.
my new nanny is new to nannying/ childcare and is doing a nanny share with a family who has one child and is in a wealthy family. we, on the other hand, have 3 kids with disabilities and havent got cash to spend on luxuries. the nanny herself has grown up with money.

Anyway, she is wanting to do a lot of expensive activities in the summer holidays (eg, £50-100 a day stuff). these activities would only be suitable for one child which means the other two would be at home with me.
how can i say politely: 1: im employing you to find things that are for all the kids. 2: yes my kids may seem boring compared to others who do scouts/ swimming etc etc but they have disabilities, they really need more down time than others. 3: please be conscious that for us, money doesnt grow on trees. i wish it did but it doesnt.
i know i need to grow a pair of female balls x

Maryann1975 Sun 28-Jun-15 15:10:35

I think you've just got to talk to her. When I was a nanny I found cheap/free things to do with the children all the time (nature walks/toddler groups/park). It was a rare treat if it had an entrance fee (soft play/farm visits). I was always aware that the families who were employing me only had a certain amount of cash and that employing a nanny was already a more expensive option and I didn't want to add lots of expensive treats on to that.
But we used to have really good fun.
Did this not come up when you did the agreement for the nanny share, the amount of money available each week for expenses? If not, it probably should have done. It sounds as though you and the other family have different expectations, so they may not be the right family for you to nanny share with.

elderflowerlemonade Sun 28-Jun-15 15:12:16

I think that's very harsh.

Has she actually said 'I find your kids boring'? hmm

How about, 'I'm afraid we do need to look at things all the children can enjoy and are accessible financially. How about - list of suggestions.'

You make it sound as if the nanny actually favours the 'rich" children. Do you have any reason to believe this?

wizzywig Sun 28-Jun-15 15:26:46

no she hasnt said anything like "your kids are boring", but she has said that she thinks that they are in need of more attention (right now my youngest does take up a lot of time as he is severly autistic) and that they need to be doing more productive things like making things and taking part in activities.
my eldest son does 3 extra curricular activities things a week on school property as he feels safe and comfortable there. my middle son does 1 a week. my youngest goes to an after school disability club once a week.
the comment about my kids needing more attention did really hurt as its not my fault that i have the kids i do. i try my best and i acknowledge i need help and thats why i employed her. i felt a lot of guilt about not being able to cope with my kids and to accept it and say to myself "you know what? i think i do need someone to help me".
i know im rambling but i feel like she is judging me and i know i shouldnt care, but i do.

elderflowerlemonade Sun 28-Jun-15 15:28:15

I would care if I felt someone I employed was judging me flowers but in that case, is she definitely the right person for you and your family? X

wizzywig Sun 28-Jun-15 15:33:14

maybe its early days and i need to grow up and just say how i feel without sounding like a loon

nannynick Sun 28-Jun-15 18:43:57

>she is wanting to do a lot of expensive activities in the summer holidays (eg, £50-100 a day stuff). these activities would only be suitable for one child which means the other two would be at home with me.

That is not on. She is employed to care for all 3 children, so needs to do things with all 3 of them unless YOU decide otherwise. If you are at home it is probably much easier for you to spend 1:1 time with a child and nanny cares for the other 2 children.

>1: im employing you to find things that are for all the kids.

Yes. If suitable and in budget look at family annual pass cards for places such as National Trust, Historic Houses Association, RHS, English Heritage, whatever you have in your area.

>2: yes my kids may seem boring compared to others who do scouts/ swimming etc etc but they have disabilities, they really need more down time than others.

Nothing wrong with downtime and more 'dull' trips out such as walks in the countryside or woodland. Bike rides, or whatever your children are able to do given their individual disabilities.

When you say NannyShare, do you mean that your nanny will be caring for your 3 children plus this other child At The Same Time? If not, then it is not a nannyshare but two separate employments and so two completely separate sets of rules about things like expenses.

Karoleann Sun 28-Jun-15 21:14:30

I think you just need to sit down and plan stuff together for the summer (with a budget) ask her to come up with a few suggestions so that she feels involved.

Its sometimes difficult when you do have shared care to let go and give a nanny some control, but unless you do it will end up being more work than if you didn't have her/him.

BreadmakerFan Mon 29-Jun-15 19:05:56

She doesn't sound the right fit for your job. I did two sets of nanny shares and all the families were okay for money but I never took the mick. Mostly we did free stuff with groups chosen and paid for by the parents. I would always ask before spending their money and always had all the children with me. One comment I had was that I was aware of the difference in ages of the children but I didn't let it be an issue.

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl Wed 01-Jul-15 16:29:32

She is spending way too much on activities, but a nanny share (so at least 4 children as you have 3) including two special needs children for a first job as a nanny is expecting a lot, no?

OnewayoranotherIwill Wed 01-Jul-15 22:08:20

She is spending so much money! There is so much you can organise and do for free or next to nothing. You definitely need to sit down and have a meeting to discuss budget and trips. Does she discuss the trips in advance with you?

Tanith Thu 02-Jul-15 07:57:52

I think Bunnyhips is right. Your nanny is new to childcare, not just nannying, and it sounds as though she has a workload I, as an experienced childcarer, would think very seriously about taking on.

I suspect that's why she's spending so much. She doesn't yet have the network of cheap activities in place and she perhaps doesn't yet have confidence in her abilities so prefers to fill the day with expensive entertainments.

It will come with experience. For now, she's a new nanny and needs clear expectations from you. You'll need to discuss this with her.

Don't forget, though: you acknowledged you needed help to look after your children and you've known them all their lives. It sounds as though your nanny, completely new to professional childcaring, is trying to cope with them and extra children.

wizzywig Thu 02-Jul-15 11:43:49

hi all. i had a look back at my nannys cv and in it she said she has 10yrs experience babysitting (overnight and weekend care too). plus she says she has worked with kids with disabilities. i checked back on the cv because how she works is like she is new to childcare but her cv says otherwise. in the interview i admit i got caught up in getting to know her rather than be very formal and go through her cv.
i feel there is something up but i cant put my finger on it. ill give some examples: knives being left where they are reachable, reward charts and food plans being set up and then abandoned after a few days, food purchased for meals and then not made, she says she is on medication that if she forgets to take, makes her forgetful (and she says she often forgets to take it), she shows me pictures and videos of the other children she looks after which i dont want to see and she has been waiting nearly 2mths for her dbs. is that normal?
hmm this doesnt sound very good does it

wizzywig Thu 02-Jul-15 11:44:54

sorry the nanny share is 3 days with 1 child and then 2 days with just my 3 kids

nannynick Thu 02-Jul-15 16:57:21

Has 10 years experience yet is not is not doing things as you would expect... something is up there.

Reward charts - has she read a book and thinks they are a good idea but has found that in reality that some children don't actually do that well with them? All children are individuals so it takes time to find what works with each child, maybe it was abandoned too early or maybe it got too stressful so as been put on hold for a while.

Buying food, then not using it sounds like bad planning and forgetfulness. The food plan sounds a good idea to help combat her forgetting things, so why abandon the food plan?

Not sure why she is keen to show you pictures of other peoples children. That seems a bit odd to me, is she in some way trying to compare them to your children? She needs to realise that your children are now the focus, not any she has had in the past, or whom she cares for on other days.

DBS can take any amount of time. Mine took just over a week but I've lived in the same place for many years. If someone has moved around a lot then it will take longer and it will vary depending on the police force area, some may be slow at processing the requests.
Do ask her to check the online tracking system to see at what stage it has got. Maybe it would be worth her contacting DBS to ask if they are needing any additional info from her.

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