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MIL lookin after DC - anyone got any experience of this?(13 Posts)
wondering if anyone might have experience of a MIL looking after DC? Any tips? What made it work well/ not so well? Or any ideas on how best to handle the situation described below?
MIL has offered to look after DS when I go back to work (2-3 days per week). I am very grateful for this generous offer which will save us lots of money and I would love DS to have a close bond with his grandmother. However, some of MILs past behaviour makes me very nervous about this arrangement. My concerns are that she rarely listens to anything me or DH have to say and tends to pile in like a bulldozer and take over. When we have put our foot down in the past the reaction has been very explosive.
So basically I'm worried that in a few months I will have lost all control over my home (she will be looking after him here) and how my son is raised and it will all end in a massive family row. I suggested to DH that we should pay for childcare but he says we should let MIL try as it might work and she will be offended if we don't take up her offer. Help!! Any ideas?!
If you have any concerns that she will take over, nip it in the bud now. Once she is minding DS, it will be all the more difficult. There are loads of threads on here, from parents who were unsure and are really regretting it. Good luck.
MIL (and FIL) do a lot of regular childcare for my nephews. Nephews are older now, but GP still feel they have a say in every aspect of how they are parented because they don't know when to back off.
Even SIL feels the arrangements have backfired somewhat, and that DC do not have that 'special' grandparental role in their lives. Boundaries have become blurred if you like.
Also PIL are ageing and SIL feels they "owe" them. Be careful.
I think it is better to "offend them now" rather than have issues later, after they have started to care for them.
When I was a childminder,(many many years ago), the children were looked after my way. My routines were discussed before hand with the parents and they made a decision whether to place their children with me based on what I told them.
Now I am a Gran of 8. As a gran, the children are cared for in the way that the parents want. I do not believe that GP has any right to dictate to the parents how the child should be cared for.
Your DCs can still have a good relationship with your MiL without her being a regular care giver. If you let your MiL look after your children you will not have a minutes peace, while they are in her care.
I am a nanny. My employer works full time and I work 4 days with grandparents sharing the care on the 5th day.
When I am at work my boss can tell me to do something a certain way, discipline is upheld, the house is tidy at the end of the day, etc
When grandparents are in charge - it's all about fun and enjoying time together - my boss isn't "in control" We can ask for certain things to happen but it wont always be done the "right way" or at all, etc but theyre grandparents its supposed to be fun and by allowing them to have "fun grandparents day" then theres no repercussions/grumblings because there are no expected "goals"
Why not sit down and have a chat about boundaries and expectations?
If you feel she's not going to be able to adhere to yours then you have to decline. But if you don't even mention it first I think it stands all parties on the wrong foot.
If you want childcare according to your exact terms and conditions, pay for it. If you want someone to do you an absolutely enormous favour and give up what, 18 to 26 hours per week of their precious time to look after your kid for free you have to make compromises and be grateful for what you have.
If you have concerns that your views on childrearing are so different as to cause disagreement put your DC in daycare. It will be the far easier solution all round.
You could go half way and maybe try her looking after them say just 2 afternoons and they go to nursery in morning until 1pm. That way it's only around 5 hrs 2 days and assuming child naps only 3 ish hrs they are awake.
Means granny doesn't get overtired so hopeful arrangement lasts, and they will be fed x2 meals at nursery and entertained so they can just pop to park or play at home with less to go wrong
Thanks for your messages everyone. It's been really useful to hear different perspectives on this. We've still got a bit of time to decide but at the moment I think I will suggest that initially MIL has DS just one day per week. It will be a fun grandma day and as long as DS is safe I don't mind what they do. We can always add another grandma day later if it works well. I think if we assume grandma day is just lots of fun it will be something that everyone looks forward to each week.
Was going to suggest one day and then nursery. Yes will cost you more in money but less in relationship breakdown
We do one day a week with three days nursery. It's great.
MIL insisted on doing that day - she'd have been soooo offended if I said no so it's really not a her "helping us out for free" dynamic but us agreeing to her wishes, the day she chose was her choice 100% and the only "problem" is that she takes 5-6 weeks holiday a year, at times to suit her and step-Fil which have never coincided with whdn we can take our holidays. So I either don't work or we get an extra nursery day if we can. It's all ok with her doing one day a week but would be very awkward if she was doing more.
If she's looking after your child in your home have you given any thought to what happens when you get home? Do you expect her to have a quick cuppa then go or stay for dinner? Will she outstay her welcome? Thinking 9pm or there abouts. Is she likely to snoop? Get a lock for your bedroom door and make sure all private paperwork is secure.
Thanks for your replies. Its really helpful to hear other people's experiences and it's giving me ideas of things that we should discuss in advance to make sure we give this the best chance of working out for us.
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