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New au pair lovely - my Dd not so lovely

(15 Posts)
monkeypuzzeltree Mon 19-Jan-15 22:21:57

Anyone had a similar experience- we are trying to get to the bottom of my dd's shocking behaviour in last 3 weeks. It wasn't perfect before then but just lately has been horrifying. Anyone else found their children revolting when au pair comes in? She is lovely, quiet but try's her best. Engagement with dd not great but ok with DS.
Wondering if dd is feeling out of place or something and being a horror as a result.
It was meant to get easier this year!!

VenusRising Mon 19-Jan-15 22:25:41

Listen to your gut.
Something's not right, and your dd is showing you what you must do for your family.

There's something going on. Sometimes people from different cultures place more importance on being a boy. Nothing specific, just ignoring her?
Or could she be slapping?

I'd get another au pair tbh, one that your children like, not just one you like.

OutragedFromLeeds Mon 19-Jan-15 22:30:16

If you haven't had an au pair before she's likely just getting used to a new person in the family and a new person looking after her etc. There is absolutely no need to jump to conclusions that there is anything wrong with this au pair. Imagine if everyone changed their childcare when their children were badly behaved. Musical childminders anyone?!

monkeypuzzeltree Mon 19-Jan-15 22:32:12

I really don't think anything physical is going on, I'm around a lot, I work from home, so they can pop up to my office if they want to see me. I'm wondering if she's just got into her head some Mary poppins that was going to arrive when the reality is it's more mundane.

monkeypuzzeltree Mon 19-Jan-15 22:34:31

Musical childminders - where can I get one of those! Genius idea. Oh god it's so embarrassing though- poor AP looks somewhat shocked!

grandmainmypocket Mon 19-Jan-15 22:38:18

My child who is normally mellow asked our ap to get out of our home. I was mortified. It had nothing to do with her but about the changes at home.
I did give her tips on how she shouldn't take this personally and how to distract. Ways to avoid outbursts. They soon became best friends.

melimelo18 Tue 20-Jan-15 00:31:18

My first time as an Au Pair started off pretty badly, I was supposed to look after an easy-going and very sweet 3 years old girl but when I arrived I found myself having to deal with an Evil child, and even though I knew she was testing me and probably hoping that if she managed to make me leave her mom would stay home to look after her, it was extremely hard emotionally to deal with her tamper tantrums, the insults and her kicking me every single day.

Unlike my host mom at the time though, you seem to realize that your child is probably being the problem and seem to want to fix it. My host mom would always tell her that if she was acting up she would be grounded but she never followed through with it so the child knew she would get away with it, it was terrible.

I eventually found a way to calm her down by creating a weekly calendar with activities and chores she was expected to do during the day ( like taking a bath, bringing her plate back into the kitchen...easy duties) and told her that every time she would do what she was expected to do without throwing a tantrum or being rude she would get a green sticker and if by the end of the week she had more green stickers than red she would get a treat from me (something cheap or free like a trip to the beach) I think that motivated her cause she was definitely nicer and seemed to be more willing to do activities and stuff without running wild and driving me crazy in the process.

I still blame the mum for sending mix messages to the child and not following through with her punishments but well, I am glad I found something that worked and made my first au pair experience a bit better.

Hopefully that helped as it's not an easy place to be in but as long as you keep working as a team with your Au Pair I am sure your daughter will stop acting up very soon. Good luck to you ! smile

monkeypuzzeltree Tue 20-Jan-15 01:03:05

I am an idiot. After yet another late night tantrum she has finally told me it's because she misses me. I work from home but My work has taken over somewhat and the au pair was meant to help that but she's seen it as another thing taking my time settling her in. Right, hopefully I can put this right quickly. Feel terrible that she got to this state.
I was thinking something was seriously wrong but now it's made me realise what she's been trying to tell me in various ways. Stupid mummy.

rootypig Tue 20-Jan-15 01:51:19

How old is your DD?

monkeypuzzeltree Tue 20-Jan-15 12:40:36

She's 5. Need to learn to control temper before she's 15!

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 20-Jan-15 12:47:07

My DD was similar when my first AP arrived when she was 5. I would make sure I would set aside special time where I treated DD in a slightly more grown up fashion and it would just be myself and her. At 5 she thought going for a hot chocolate in Costa with Mummy was the height of sophistication.
Obviously now (she's 11 tomorrow) the stakes are higher, Fortnums for tea in May.
Remember that the AP can take away some mundane tasks to give you more time with DD.

rootypig Wed 21-Jan-15 02:53:31

Aw. She will. 5 is such a tough guy little age, trying to negotiate your place in the world. I'm glad you winkled it out of her in the end. Hope the AP is ok! grin

Northlondonma Wed 21-Jan-15 14:58:56

This happened with my first au pair. My lovely daughter turned into a monster for the first week. I was actually embarrassed by her behaviour. She settled though and all turned out well. Think she was unnerved and acted up. It soon passed though.

monkeypuzzeltree Wed 21-Jan-15 18:20:26

Well I live in hope, we are currently in the midst of a new tantrum. She was a lot happier last 2 days but I guess it's not going to change overnight! Embarrassing with the AP, I'm mortified!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Thu 22-Jan-15 17:36:43

I don't know if it helps but my almost 5 yo has started throwing some shocking tantrums. She didn't really do the terrible 2's or 3's and is usually quite good natured so it's a bit out of left field.

We're trying to make sure she's getting enough sleep and eating enough - Reception seems to be taking a lot out of her but we are certainly having to ramp up the discipline and take a firm line when it all goes wibble.

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