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new aupair too clingy

(47 Posts)
Col12345 Sun 11-Jan-15 13:02:55

hi. can anyone help. new aupair is lovely but isnt givning us any space. is eating with us. watching tv. even coming to football today. have suggested facebook groups to find friends. have offered a tv in her room. i only wanted her for babysitting and picks up and a bit of housework. this is too much........ feeling stressed need some advice help.....

DragonRojo Sun 11-Jan-15 13:59:31

Is she going to classes yet? if not, this is the first thing you need to sort out, so that she makes friends. Otherwise the poor girl will be really bored, and of course she will hang out with you much more. After all, she's meant to be "part of the family"

Col12345 Sun 11-Jan-15 14:15:43

she will be going i hope and ive invited her onto facebook groups. we are a single parent family. and its important for us to spend time with each other as a family and also for me and my son to have time together that wrong?

EmmalinaC Sun 11-Jan-15 14:19:24

As previous poster said an au pair is meant to be part of your family so you should expect him/her to eat with you and join family watching tv etc. Add to that, he/she may well be new to the UK, first time away from family etc, feeling anxious about finding her way round and making new friends. It's your responsibility to help him/her with settling in.

It takes time for a new AP to settle and that both the AP and the family need to adapt to find a relationship they're comfortable with.

Our current AP was very anxious at first (she'd never left her home country before) but she met lots of friends at language classes, met other APs on the school run etc. We're now a few months in and it's working out really well - she has her own independence but is also very much part of our household in a good way!

You can't just expect someone who is living in your house to make themselves scarce when they're not 'working'. The AP deal is not as clear cut as that which is why you pay pocket money not wages - it's a cultural exchange programme!

Hang in there though - when it works out its great for everyone! grin

PrintScreen Sun 11-Jan-15 20:35:47

I second what others have said. The au pair deal is that they are part if the family. I always expect our au pairs will eat with us and occasionally join family outings. But I know it's hard when they are around all the time. Usually it gets better after a month or two as they make friends and tire of you!

wewishyou Sun 11-Jan-15 20:47:48

SO you just wanted an extra cheap childcare qho qill stay in her room as much as possible... Nice.

Maybe let her go and hire a nanny

wewishyou Sun 11-Jan-15 20:48:12

who will not qho qill grin

Col12345 Tue 13-Jan-15 11:03:07

you are extremely rude and judegemental.
no that is not the case. i do all the child care myself.
until you know a persons situation dont judge.

wewishyou Tue 13-Jan-15 11:47:16

Well you post on a public forum to complain that the Aupair eats and spend time with you... What do you expect

Unexpected Tue 13-Jan-15 11:52:07

OP, is this your first aupair? If so, perhaps you didn't realise that they really do have an expectation of being treated as one of the family. They are meant to eat with you and take part in family activities. If she is new and in a foreign country, what do you expect her to do with her time?

Things may settle down when she goes to classes and makes some friends or gets some additional babysitting work e.g. but it's very normal for her to hang around otherwise. If you want to have some time alone with your son e.g. at football, you need to tell her that you are going out with your son for some "family" time.

If you really can't cope with having another adult in your house, then you need to look at alternative childcare.

Unexpected Tue 13-Jan-15 11:54:24

Oh, and for what it's worth, while an aupair would have suited my childcare needs quite nicely at times in the past, I knew I couldn't cope with having someone else live with us so we never went down that route. It's horses for courses.

FannyFifer Tue 13-Jan-15 11:56:20

Why have you an aupair then if you do all the childcare?

proseccoplease Tue 13-Jan-15 12:02:43

You've asked for opinions/advice - you should have expected a degree of judgement in replies.

Why exactly do you require an au pair if you do all the childcare?

Unexpected Tue 13-Jan-15 12:14:59

Be nice people smile. The OP hasn't given us all the information here but has a second thread running about this (yes, obviously one thread would have been easier). The child in question is 11, presumably year 6, so "childcare" is a rather different proposition. I believe the OP needs the aupair for school pick-ups, some evenings, babysitting etc. It's an ideal aupair job really but new aupair needs time to find friends and outings.

Col12345 Tue 13-Jan-15 12:51:41

thank you " unexpected" for your understanding. i do what i can do alone. and have done for most of my sons life.
however due to an accident a year ago am left with a disablility and need help at home.
i have addressed all the issues. and she is fine with giving us space.
i dont see the need to be nasty and rude to people when we are all trying to be parents. i wont be posting on this site again.

Col12345 Tue 13-Jan-15 12:53:29

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Col12345 Tue 13-Jan-15 12:54:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease Tue 13-Jan-15 13:48:50


NotTheKitchenAgainPlease Tue 13-Jan-15 13:49:18

That really is uncalled for OP.

QuickSilverFairy Tue 13-Jan-15 13:55:17

Col12345, I have reported your nasty and abusive message to MNHQ.

OutragedFromLeeds Tue 13-Jan-15 13:57:02

I think not posting on mumsnet again is probably the right choice for you OP.

MinceSpy Tue 13-Jan-15 14:13:09

Col12345 it sounds as though your Au Pair is struggling to settle and make friends. Are there any other au pairs locally who speak her mother tongue that you could put her in touch with? I'd also encourage her to join a language class as that will help her find friends. Might be worth speaking to the agency to see what tips they have for settling new au pairs in.
It must be scary for a young girl living in a strange country and being away from her family so I can understand her clingyness. If having a stranger in your home as part of the family is too much for you then maybe you might be better off finding her a new position.

Col12345 Tue 13-Jan-15 14:49:53

i dont agree that the aupair is part of the family. she is being paid. therefore it is fine to set boundaries and have space as required.

Unexpected Tue 13-Jan-15 14:59:43

i dont agree that the aupair is part of the family.

Then you completely misunderstand the role of an au pair and you need to find an alternative form of childcare. The very low level of pay for au pairs reflects the fact that they are not only inexperienced but that part of their "remuneration" is free board and lodging and the chance to participate in family outings.

MinceSpy Tue 13-Jan-15 16:50:58

The title comes from the French term au pair, meaning "at par" or "equal to", indicating that the relationship is intended to be one of equals: the au pair is intended to become a member of the family, albeit a temporary one, rather than a traditional domestic worker.

Maybe you'd prefer an alternative form of child care

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