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Aupair Lookinf for another family

(20 Posts)
Braret1016 Wed 03-Dec-14 22:35:52

I have discovered my AP is looking for another family and do not know how to handle this with her as she had not mentioned it. She left her notebook on the dining table and my BB being curious, asked me what was written. Her reason to the family is that she wants to go for English lessons. We had discussed the lessons before as the timimgs are not convinient given the drop off and pick and agreed to review in January. I thought she will be honest and discuss with me? Should I also go ahead and look for a new AP as she claims to be available from January? I'm really confused.

blueshoes Wed 03-Dec-14 22:43:45

Without giving away the fact that you know your aupair is looking, can you discuss with her what is going to happen in January and re-look at timings to assess whether you can both find a mutually satisfying solution for English lessons? If so, see whether she is prepared to give you assurances that she will stay. If not, I think it is best you agree with her to part ways in January. Not the easiest time to find a new aupair though nor for her a new family.

Braret1016 Thu 04-Dec-14 07:00:55

Thank you ,will do that. I however think she had made up her mind because we live outside London , just about 40mins train to London and she visits her friends virtually every weekend. She always makes indirect comments like she get to know a lot of people in London as she is not used to staying at home. Also, her friends say there are lots of free English lessons she can attend. She also met two other AP in neighbouring town, which I asked her to visit just for a change. These AP are also attending English lessons and she said unfortunately, she can't due to the timings but she really wants to go. Both APs live 5 minutes away from the college. Yet, she told me they envy her because she is the only one among them who has a nice family as they are not fed properly with lot's of restrictions and not being paid on time or even reduced wages. One of them is leaving the family now!
All her other Italian friends are working and living in shared accommodations in London. These comments make me feel really uncomfortable as she never mention English lessons. What shocks me even more is that I reviewed one of her friend's CV( He came to UK a week ago from Italy) she knows I work in HR so was willing to help her friends with job hunting etc. I could not believe that she used all my wordings for her friend's CV to write her statement to other families and I feel really betrayed. Just last week I was discussing her future plans with her and how I can help her with the various route in getting into the social care career as this is what she wanted. I even stressed that English lessons will be helpful and we can look at this after the new year. She is also going home on 9th Jan - 18th and I'm wondering if she is going to return. All the same , I will have the discussion with her and take things from there. Thank you

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 04-Dec-14 09:47:23

I thought the point of au pairs was to come To another country and when Children at school ie 9-3 they can get some lessons in English

So not surprised you ap is upset if there is a course near you yet she can't go coz of dropping your children off - have I read that correctly?

Could she not drop children off slightly earlier and get to
Neighbouring town and do course - or say to college that she will be 10mins late each day as of dropping her kids at school

I thoight courses were 10-2 often so that they can drop off and pick up

ChristmasMarketCrazy Thu 04-Dec-14 10:39:49

she really needs to be able to attend English lessons, its a critical part of the au pair agreement. Did you not research English lessons in your area before you advertised for an au pair?

sometimesinthefall Thu 04-Dec-14 11:48:52

I'm not surprised you feel betrayed - if you agreed on this beforehand and you suspect she may now leave and not come back, this is both stressful and disappointing. There may be evening language classes available to au pairs too - my own town (which seems quite similar to yours) offers some both at the local college and university. I would suggest having a discussion about January (as you had agreed), hoping that she tells you clearly what her intentions are.

DragonRojo Thu 04-Dec-14 13:03:21

did you read really think she was going to be happy not going to lessons? her parents probably think that she is wasting her time here looking after somebody, s children and not learning anything. I know my parents would have done when I was an AP and would have insisted in me going to lessons. The point of coming here is to make sure that your English is better that other candidates when she goes back home and starts applying for jobs!!

Karoleann Thu 04-Dec-14 14:10:38

We're outside London and our au pairs have always stayed a little longer than first proposed. BUT they attend language classes (I think that is really important and actually make it a condition of our hosting them). That way they also make local friends and are happy socialising locally - though we're a similar distance away from London and our au pair travels in once a month.

Next time, maybe get someone who speaks very good english and doesn't want to go to language classes or see if you can juggle things around so that they can attend the local ones.

Braret1016 Thu 04-Dec-14 15:28:52

Mums on here, can anyone tell me how you drop kids of early as I believe some of those who comments here are not practical and perhaps not parents ? If I can do this easily, I would not not really need to have an AP. Course starts at 9.00. She drops my first DS ( 6yrs) at sch, 8.45 and second DS (3yrs) at 9.00. She will then need to get a bus to the train station and to me , she will always be about 30 minutes late which will not be helpful for her .
Just so you know, I have checked with the nearby college who advised a new time table will come out in January and she was OK with that. She has been with me since 13th September. I also have my 3 months review with her in the next 2 weeks to discuss way forward. My concern is that I made it clearly we will find way around it and if its still not working, she can find another family and I will help her with that. She is my 3rd AP and I can confidently and realistically tell you that not all APs come here to learn English and go back even though. My two AP wanted a family to familiarise with English culture, find their way around and look for F/T jobs in the UK. My last two were like that and both are now care workers and housekeeper. My 2nd AP made me aware of her plans when I suggested English lessons to her. Even though she mentioned during interview that she may consider the course. I was aware of her plans throughout her stay I helped with applications and references. We are still in touch and she recently text me that she's got a boyfriend. This current AP did not stress about English course and tbh, she intends to stay in UK and look for F/T work later. She is interested in Social Care and I advised her only last week that she needs to do the English course at all cost if she is going into Social Care. She is only going back in January as a holiday , as she missed home soo much that I have booked this time off for her to go and visit. So those of you thinking I am only using her for childcare, this is not the case at all. I have been speaking with her parents on Skype occasionally and her friend came over from Italy to stay with us. Her sister and boyfriend are also coming next week. So I will think she will be honest with me if she had changed her plans. My question is when will she tell me? I BELEIVE THAT ANY HUMAN BEING HERE WILL FEEL THE SAME !

FlorenceMattell Thu 04-Dec-14 15:43:47

I think it is shocking that you read her diary/journal.
At many schools the Register/bell goes at 8.45/8.50 but you can leave in the playground from 8.30 ish
Of course she should be able to attend English classes.

Braret1016 Thu 04-Dec-14 16:24:54

Just so you know, I did not snoop on her journal/diary. I would never do that ! This was a random notepad on the dining table that my DS handed to me. He was struggling with the word -Aupair and asked me for help. It is natural reaction that many people including myself will read more!
She came downstairs in a rush to rip the pages off.
Are you saying that my DS should left on his own on the playground? I have never seen any one does that, particularly at his school. Also, my other DS starts pre-school at 9.00.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 04-Dec-14 16:55:24

Most schools I know you can leave children in playground 830ish with a teacher there on 'patrol'

Tho this doesnt help with the 9am nursery drop off

English lessons are essential for your au pair so that they meet ojees and socialise - and they are meant to be avaiable daytime to them not for the evening

Is your dd at all day /till 3

Can you find a 10-2 one for her

In the end it sounds like you are not happy with your ap as she isn't like your other two - the average au pair does go for a cultural exchange and do English lessons daytime

Braret1016 Thu 04-Dec-14 18:26:17

I wish my DS school is like that. There is no teacher at the playground at all and every parent/carer had to stay till 8.45.

I can discuss with my manager to start after 9.00 to drop my DS at pre-school for the 3 days that she will go for lessons, meaning I may come home after the normal 5.pm as will need to make up the hours, but this should be Ok with me. He does 1/2 days on Wednesday and I changed to 3pm finish time when AP arrive , just in case she attends language course.

I like her a lot and especially the kids and their teachers as they can communicate better with her than the other APs.

I believe that are all different and perhaps, I still have the same expectation like the others. It hurt because she is the one I have felt mostly closely to and really get to know her family . She had even wore my clothes and shoe for an outing before and I had no problem with that.

I have taken your comments on board and have found a language school nearby. The course is pricey, £45/pw she said and I'm willing to pay half for her. She did not show any interest and only had her arms folded with smirks on her face. I contacted another centre for January intake and they've asked me to bring her in for an assessment on 12 January but she will be in Italy by then so we can rearrange when she returns. All she said was 'yes when I return, we go'. I can't read into her and feeling I should just start searching, just in case.

Thank you

FlorenceMattell Thu 04-Dec-14 18:48:15

Don't think you should offer to pay for her classes.
If you are changing your working hours that is more than enough. I just feel that in general people don't appreciate what they haven't paid for.
Why did she have a smirky face , does she think she has won, or is she planning to leave?
Hope it works out for you both.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 04-Dec-14 18:54:02

£45 a week seems a lot but havnt a clue what classes cost, but generally again i thought the family paid for the class? not the au pair as that would be 25% of her weekly pay

well done for looking into a local one/chnaging hours, tho seems ap isnt appreciative of that sad

Karoleann Thu 04-Dec-14 19:36:37

I've never paid for language classes - i pay the reg fee, but it means they actually are more motivated to go to every one when they pay themselves.

I does sound like she's going to leave. Lots more au pairs around though.

blueshoes Thu 04-Dec-14 23:40:47

I always had aupairs with good English and none of them take English classes. I would also not offer to pay for them.

I had an aupair who changed families early and the excuse she gave was she could not attend English classes in her area. I gave her all the details for English courses and promised to help her enrol when she arrived. After she started, I brought it up again but she never really took the initiative. in the end, she stayed for 6 months and in that time, she never once enquired about language classes.

Sometimes, English classes is just a plausible excuse for the aupair to explain to a new host family why they are leaving their current family after a short time. Like I said, I won't pay for her classes.

Since she is already quite advanced in finding a family in that she is emailing them, I would protect myself by starting to look for a replacement. I don't think she will be coming back in Jan after her holiday.

I can understand you feel betrayed. I have had too many aupairs to really care why some of them behave the way they do. It is what it is and you just deal with it. At least you found out in time to at least be able to plan for her departure rather than be left in the lurch.

cheesecakemom Sun 07-Dec-14 09:15:44

I wouldn't pay for the lessons at this point. She's probably already found another Au Pair and the fact that she's not communicating and is smirking when you are talking to her about it makes it even more obvious that she's set on leaving. I wouldn't be surprised if she left the notepad on the table on purpose.

Find another au pair BUT check English classes first. If you have to offer to pay half then do so at least they will bother attending. There must be evening classes as well as an option or on her days off?

DrownedGirl Sun 07-Dec-14 09:27:59

I don't think it's worth being upset over. Sounds like she now wants to be in London, and the classes are her excuse for the switch.

She is like a serial monogamist - get a new job before burning her bridges with you.

They are just young people, at the end of the day and quite self centred. They don't think too deeply about the hosts feelings.

I think you have to be quite zen and avoid drama. Just say to her very gently that as it seems might have other plans for January, it will make sense for you to look around for a replacement.

mon80 Mon 15-Dec-14 18:45:21

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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