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au pair's boyfriend

(10 Posts)
KensalMama Mon 01-Dec-14 16:34:51

Hi, everyone. I am asking for advice on behalf of a friend who's not on Mumsnet. She and her husband know a very nice young woman who will start working for them as an Au Pair soon. Her kids (2 and 4), husband & her really like the girl. One of the things the AP's agreed to do is baby-sit at night once or twice a week while they go out. Whilst discussing details of the arrangement recently (she will be starting in a couple of months), she told them she's got a boyfriend. They seem to be very close and apparently serious, although the relationship is only a few months old. Now, my friend's husband is concerned that this guy will "have access" to their children. His job as a psychiatrist has brought him into contact with victims of abuse, and he says it's often someone seemingly very nice who targets people who have/ work with young children. So I told my friends I'd ask you Mumsnetters to suggest ways they can ensure the Au Pair's boyfriend isn't around their kids (for example, if she were to go out with them and he meets her somewhere, or if she lets him come over while they're out and she's baby-sitting). I told them maybe they need to look into ways of specifying it in her contract. Also the husband suggested webcams, what do you think? Any advice will be most grateful and passed on to my friend. Thank you in advance.

Hurr1cane Mon 01-Dec-14 16:36:31

Can't they just say if he is to be around them he must be CRB checked at his own expense? Put him off

Yerazig Mon 01-Dec-14 16:44:29

As her host families and "employers" they just tell the au pair that they don't want the boyfriend at the house or only to visit when her bosses are around. Personally the dad seems the strange parinoid one wanting to set up web cams etc. they either trust her to go by their rules or they don't, simple as that.

NannyNim Mon 01-Dec-14 16:51:29

I appreciate the father's concerns but it's also very nice guys who are no harm at all and make great boyfriends/friends. If he's that worried he can specify that whilst the AP is working (including babysitting) then she must devote her attention to the children and friends (including boyfriend) are not welcome in the home/she can't meet up with them. It might be worth meeting the boyfriend (have him over for dinner one night for example) just to put their minds at rest. The AP is becoming a member of the family after all....

nannynick Mon 01-Dec-14 18:39:28

I wonder what checks they have done into the AuPair, women abuse too.

Initially they could say no to having the boyfriend come to the house. Then once aupair has settled in then they could invite boyfriend over for a family meal.

Some homes are fully equipped with cctv but use of that should be with consent. There are data protection rules about cctv use. Hidden cameras are not a great idea.

nannynick Mon 01-Dec-14 18:42:17

If aupair invited a girlfriend over would that be any different?

Have house rules about visitors in general.

fatterface Mon 01-Dec-14 18:46:59

Er, surely they just say to the au pair "you can't have your boyfriend over while babysitting"?

NotSpartacus Mon 01-Dec-14 18:53:30

Why don't they just tell her not to have friends over when the kids are home? No need to overcomplicate.

FlorenceMattell Mon 01-Dec-14 20:14:03

Can they talk to her previous family? I'm assuming she came to the UK to work as an au pair.

Thereshallbeaspirin Wed 03-Dec-14 07:00:57

Had contractual clause that all activities outside house when on duty were to be solely for children's benefit unless agreed in advance (had examples including asking kids to activitiesinorder to see mates/boyfriend).
Has another clause underneath that no visitors to house without specific prior agreement

If the chap wants to resort to webcams then nannies and au pairs are definitely not for him, and they should look at nursery settings until he has resolved his own trust issues.

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