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Does anyone else let they au pair's boyfriend stay over

(18 Posts)
Simmy12 Wed 29-Oct-14 11:01:44

Or is it just me? All of my au pair's friends are shocked to find out that we don't care about her boyfried coming over and staying the night. Apparently other host families don't do that? Wondering why, I mean if it makes sense to let her friends sleep over then why not boyfriends too?

Would love to hear your thoughts on this

andagain Wed 29-Oct-14 11:20:29

Hi there,

Yes we do, always have. I have never had an issue with boyfriends/girlfriends staying as well as friends, I just clarify that it needs to be at weekends, when au pair is not working, and they need to tell us in advance.

Floggingmolly Wed 29-Oct-14 11:26:30

Not sure about the boyfriend, but why does it "make sense to let her friends sleep over"? Why would they need / want to?

TimeWarp Wed 29-Oct-14 11:52:02

I wouldn't care but last summer we went away for a weekend and took our au pair with us, I said he could bring his girlfriend and DS was jealous of any attention that our au pair gave his girlfriend. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't as laid back as it would have been with just the au pair.

Also, when we are at home and H is there I sleep in my sewing room which is next to the au pairs room and the sound-proofing isn't great so I would prefer not to have friends or girlfriends to stay. The last time H was away with the DC our au pair had a friend staying and I barely noticed, but it's quite a full house when everyone is there.

carlsonrichards Wed 29-Oct-14 11:53:49

No, I couldn't be doing with that.

Karoleann Wed 29-Oct-14 16:38:20

Ours has a separate flat - so yes, she can bring overnight guests. I ask for at least a week's notice unless its an emergency (i.e. a local female who has missed the last train).

I wouldn't want them in our house though. A friend of mine asks for a police check from boyfriends who want to stay over.

Cat111 Wed 29-Oct-14 18:11:15

I think it would depend on the au pair, how sensible they seemed and how far their partner had to travel - if they were from their home country I would probably say yes. If it was some bloke/girl from down the road I would wonder why they needed to stay at our place.

Simmy12 Wed 29-Oct-14 22:18:13

I must say I'm quite surprised.

@molly, have you never had sleepovers at a friend's house as a teen?

Floggingmolly Wed 29-Oct-14 22:22:34

Of course, and my kids have sleepovers all the time. If I had an Au Pair I would class her as an adult; and an adult who happened to work for me.
No, I would not be hosting Au Pair sleepovers in my house.

schlafenfreude Wed 29-Oct-14 23:15:55

We don't permit it, but we are a Catholic family and don't want out DC seeing mixed sex sleepovers or pre marital sex as normal. We'll have that conversation later on.

<tries desperately not to sound like a prude>

<fails>

primarynoodle Thu 30-Oct-14 09:31:39

I think not allowing ap to have boyfriend/friends stay over unless they are local is quite mean actually... it may be an inconvenience to you for a night but you are getting very cheap and flexible childcare IN EXCHANGE for allowing them to consider your house (or at least their bedroom) their HOME.

as long as its not a regular thing or for religious reasons (which should of course have been made clear before they arrived) of course they should be allowed friends/boyfriends over to stay occasionally

Simmy12 Thu 30-Oct-14 10:03:24

@primarynoodle exactly what I was thinking.

cheesecakemom Thu 30-Oct-14 14:37:21

No that wouldn't work for us. While the au pair has been police checked, the au pair's boyfriend hasn't.

What if she was dating several people? You would be find with that? I'm happy for her to spend the night at her bf's just not the other way round - for our own safety as well as my kids.

One nanny we had in the past had a violent boyfriend she had to move away from.

OliviaBlue Thu 30-Oct-14 21:13:27

Yeah, I don't really mind about it. Ours can stay over. I just tell her, practise safe because I don't want her having to look after her own instead of mine!

Gusthetheatrecat Thu 30-Oct-14 22:35:16

I have specifically told our au pairs that they can have overnight guests with our prior agreement. So boyfriends, yes. Visiting siblings / friends, yes. Random one night stand, er, no! I think it's part of treating them like a grown up and like part of the family.
I wouldn't expect a boyfriend to stay for a prolonged visit, or to be involved in looking after the children, so I wouldn't be thinking about police checks. But this hasn't been an issue for us, yet... Interesting to read people's views.

Headofthehousehold Fri 31-Oct-14 00:19:43

No we don't allow it unless we go away on holiday and if they are staying in the house then yes. Reasons... I select my AP's carefully and take refs etc, I do not have a say in their taste of men, AP's are not family so their boyfriend would effectively be letting a stranger about whom i know little sleep under the same roof as my children, I do not want my children thinking mixed sleepovers are normal.

We are absolutely clear up front ( at interview stage) this is not permitted under any circumstances and I have not had a problem. I did once let one AP have one to stay but she had been with us a while and talked to us a lot about him

Simmy12 Fri 31-Oct-14 12:38:42

@Head - something about your statement that 'aps are not part of the family' is just poking at my eye.
I have always thought of au pairs as my younger sisters, daughters, cousins.. All of my aps were included in everything and we tried to make them feel at home as much as possible. And letting aps boyfriend stay over is a part of that.

Floggingmolly Fri 31-Oct-14 12:45:55

How can you think of your ap's as your daughters, when you're employing them to look after your children. Isn't it blurring the lines a little? If they're your kid's caregivers then they're definitely "adult", even if they happen to be teenagers in actual years...
And you'd presumably need a working relationship rather than them assuming the role of just another moody mardy "teenager" to be looked after by you. What's the point?

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