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Crying my eyes out!(40 Posts)
My childminder of only 2 weeks has said she can't look after my son anymore who is only 3 months old, I am feeling so guilty. She says he is too hard work which I understand but I'm feeling hideous about it he only went to her for 6hrs for 2 days a week to give me a break as I am on my own. I am such a shit mother, I can't even look after my own baby & he's such hardwork even a fuckimg professional can't handle him! My father has just come over to take my son for a walk as I am feeling so terrible .... It's not the childminders fault, it's not my sons fault but why oh why does it have to be this hard (( I can't cope & all I wanted was a break twice a week to do housework & sleep - I'm a total failure
No you aren't Sweetheart. You just found the wrong childminder. There will be others who are much more used to babies who will take him in their stride. In the meantime, hang on in there. My ds1 was huuugely demanding and very very hard work. He's now 14 and most of the time is a real star.
If you are blaming yourself, then it's time to have a chat with your health visitor. Some babies are easy, others are hard but it's nothing to do with you as a mother. They just are like that (though to be fair I was a very anxious mum and always quick to blame myself and to panic that I was doing things wrong. I wish that someone had been around to tell me that it wasn't my fault and that I should relax a bit, grit my teeth and get as much help as possible.)
Keep on posting. There will be others along to commiserate soon too.
You are not a failure. It is fucking hard work. It will get easier i promise. Be good to yourself and forget the housework for a bit. Accept any other help that is offered. It's probably hard for the childminder to cope with a small demanding baby when she has other kids to look after too. You could try again in a few months when he will be a bit easier or if you are desperate a nursery may be able to help as they have more staff.
Oh love you are not a failure
The childminder has let you down badly. Grrr at your sweet boy being too much hard work
You sound really low and sad - have you seen your HV recently? They might be able to put you in touch with a Home start volunteer or maybe get support from your children's centre?
You are not a shit mother and you are not a failure in any shape or form.
The current arrangement didn't work out, these things happen. Look into other arrangements and you will find something that works better.
While your dad has him, have a big cup of tea and a sit down. It will get better.
oh OP, you'll find another plan that works better. Sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing by organising some relief for yourself 2x a week. You shouldn't feel guilty. And it often takes a couple of tries before you find childcare of any description (nursery, nanny, CM, babysitters) so try not to worry.
meanwhile... forget the bloody housework. do the bare minimum and sleep when he sleeps for a few days
Babies are hard. Even those of us with many years experience of caring for children find them hard... it takes quite a while to learn what a baby wants from their various cries. You find something that soothes them one day, then find it does not work the next day. Babies are continuously evolving, there are good days and not so good days. They are adorable and frustrating.
The calmer you are, often the calmer they are. So try to relax, take life as it comes, each day a new day.
Thank you all for such kind words. I really need to calm down, I was genuinely so upset - felt rejected thank god I have my Mum & Dad
You are all wonderful .... I really was delusional as to how hard work babies really are x
Babies are tough and I would say the 1st 3 months are torture, with moments of joy!
Talk to your HV, maybe she can give you some reassurance that what you are doing is good.
Have you got some mum mates that you can meet up for tea and cake, essential to have so e mates you can chat and empathise with each other.
Hang on there.
Is there anything you want to ask us?
I also wanted to ask the question am I wrong to put such a demanding baby into childcare?
All babies are demanding on your energy and time in their own way - what is it that's so demanding about your boy? I know people find my five month old hard work because he's never still - he always wants to be moving and interacting, but he's just what I'm used to...
It's not unreasonable to put any child into childcare - I think you just need to find somewhere that can manage a small baby with more confidence - a nursery with dedicated baby staff?
You need a good rest. You'll feel like a more capable mum and person after some sleep and some time to yourself. It's great that your parents can help too. Please don't feel bad - small babies are exhausting, and all help is great.
Whatever gets you through the day.
Agree with previous poster who said first three months are the worst- it starts to get a bit easier.
Try not to be too hard on yourself - you are doing your best which is all any of us can do and don't feel guilty about using childcare - it seems a very sensible choice.
Don't take it personally. They are all hard work at that stage and she might have found a child who will attend more days than yours (hence pay more).
I have a 3 month old boy, it is hard work and you are definitely not a shit mum. I am not on my own but aside from caring for my son and toddler daughter, I try and make sure dinner is done every day (don't always manage that on time), keep up with the washing so we all have clean clothes and that's about it. I am in bed for 7pm with DS as I never know what the night will bring and toddler doesn't nap so no chance to catch up in the day.
Until you find someone else who can help you out, forget the housework, bung a load of washing on a day and sleep while the baby does, whatever time of the day or night. It won't be like this forever
Poor you, it's really hard and I am sorry a professional has let you down. Could you get a cleaner in the short term?
When DD (now nearly 3) was a baby, I had a student for a while who came and cleaned, tidied and sometimes made us lunch, just for a break. Another local lady came and took her and the dog out for a walk (a long walk) to give us a break.
It's really hard at times but you are not a shit mother. Glad you have your parents and that you are feeling a bit better.
I had a difficult one first time round and I put him in a nursery for a couple of mornings a week to give myself a break.
I wouldn't do it for a full day, but if there's more than one childcarer there they can pass him around if he is crying a lot.
DS1 cried constantly for really the first year.
I'd find a nice nursery and book him in for 2 mornings a week - Fridays and Mondays are usually the quietest.
I think that leaving a 3m for a full day is maybe a bit much, but loads if people do it and in the states it's commonplace. For me, it would be too long, but that's just a personal thing!
I would second the poster who suggested a couple of afternoons might be better?
Have you tried cranial oestopathy? This helped my fussy ds. Also the moby wrap sling worked a treat at keeping him close to me but left me hands free.
Also a dummy?
I'm sure you've exhausted everything, but hang in there, things will get better!
all 3 months old babies are hard work, your childminder has misjudged it and has thought she could cope and it has turned out she can't. find another childminder, one who is used to babies. I took a 5 month old on last near and it was a shock how hard it was and with having several other children too I did struggle. my fault I had just forgotten what it was like. Please don't take it personally and it's definitely not your child's fault.
Ok, deep breaths, it's so hard having a demanding baby. My dd had severe reflux, hated/s napping and is into everything. She never slept for very long unless upright on you. (And at nearly one is just getting better) your cm was unfair and just not the right one for you.
Look again, go on experience, word of mouth etc, go visit, leave baby for a couple of settling in sessions etc to see if you are both happy.
Dd went to cm at 5 months, full time with a list of requirements to help with reflux, they were fine, they love her, she naps for them still doesn't for us though. They are used to dealing with all sorts, they've got a new baby with them currenty who's demanding and teary,they manage fine. Honestly good ones are out there and I think your experience reflects badly on the cm not you or your gorgeous baby.
I found the first four months so tough, it gets easier in some ways the more mobile they get and they enjoy exploring a bit more too.
Awww, 3 month olds are demanding, especially if they aren't in a nap routine yet. But its in a lovely 'need lots of cuddles and milk' way (well, lovely as long as you don't need to get anything done other than cuddle . I imagine your CM was finding him hard to fit around her other charges, rather than being hard in his own right.
Don't beat yourself up, its better she admit it then ignore his needs and you'll find someone else who loves babies who will love to share his care with you. Good luck with finding someone who is a better 'fit' with your needs.
And of course you need a break!
Oh and if your little one starts to nap regularly then you'll get a bit of a break then - usually look for signs (rubbing eyes, pulling ears, yawning) around 30-60 mins after he wakes up in the morning and you may find he'll nap then and give you a couple of hours peace. x
Just one thing to add about using a nursery, don't book Mondays, if they're closed for bank holiday you generally have to pay but don't get another session, so you miss a session that week but never get to catch up. (I appreciate some places are differs but that appears to be common around here)
Please let's not berate the childminder. The op has admitted that her DS is high needs and I really feel for her having my own high needs baby. It's very hard to admit to a parent that you cannot continue with a contract and it is 'just work' for her and if she feels it's not working then she is perfectly entitled to end the contract just as the parent would be if it were not working for her. I'm sure she's a lovely cm who tried her best just as the OP is doing.
Good luck op.
Thanks all I think I really felt sad for my son also if I'm honest. Poor little tinker, it's not his fault
You are not a shit mother. Babies are hard work esp if no partner about to help you
I am surprised the cm didn't leave it a bit longer tbh
Look into a nursery or another cm or pay a cleaner to come and do housework tho this means you don't get a break from
Your baby - which is what you need - and no need to feel guilty for wanting that
When you say high needs what do you mean by that? As in won't sleep? Always wants to be held? Etc
Maybe we can offer some help and advice/solutions with your baby?
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