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Ds cries when nanny arrives

(13 Posts)
thinkfast Thu 19-Dec-13 22:31:05

We have a nanny for ds 2yrs 3 months usually 3, sometimes 4 days a week, since he was 9m old. For the past 4 or 5 months he's been crying when she arrives in the morning and gets really upset. She seems good at distracting him and he's normally playing or laughing by the time I leave for work. - about 15 mins later.

At first I put it down to separation anxiety but given the length of time it's been going on I'm worried there's more to it. He always seems in a good mood in the evenings and like he's had a good day. It's just the mornings. He doesn't seem upset if I mention her name or what he did with her that day, but if I mention her name in the mornings he does start to cry.

Would this worry you or do you think it's just he realises nanny arrives and mummy goes and it's upsetting him?

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 19-Dec-13 22:45:19

If he settles with her and seems happy in the evening etc - then I put it down to him not wanting you to go to work making you feel guilty

Be interesting if ds does the same for your dh - as in cry when he leaves and ds is with nanny

Maybe try that one day if possible

I honestly think its nothing to worry about or ds would be miserable when you are still there in am and also in eve

thinkfast Thu 19-Dec-13 22:51:01

Thanks for your response Blondes

He cries whoever hands him over to nanny however he doesn't cry if I hand him over to someone else to look after him....

Reinette Fri 20-Dec-13 03:30:28

Hi thinkfast - I'm a nanny and typically when I see parents asking this kind of question the behavior they describe sounds quite clearly like a sign of normal, healthy development...but something in your summary doesn't sit right with me. It seems odd that DS doesn't protest other caregivers yet has been upset about the nanny for 4 or 5 months. Is he usually emotionally volatile? Does he melt down easily over minor things throughout the day? Is there anything that's been new or different or uneven in his life for that period of time? Does she text you photos of them doing things throughout the day? (That might be something to request if she doesn't already.)

I rarely say this but I would certainly keep an eye on this situation and might even do a bit of digging/dropping in (or sending someone round) unexpectedly during the day. Your son is trying to tell you something - here's hoping it's just that he's frustrated you're leaving (and knows that if he's being left with nanny it means you'll be gone all day).

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 20-Dec-13 03:44:34

Who else do you had ds over to? Ie GPS , babysitter etc?

And when you do , do you then go to work or it's more like a pop out for an hour or two

Seems weird that ds doesn't cry for others , only nanny sad but as I said if she interacts with ds and he's generally happy when you leave for work and when you come home in the evening then it is probably nothing

Some children do cry everytime nanny arrives /parent goes to work - then is fine all day - bit like some children cry when being left at nursery and few mins later run around happily

My friends little girl was like that - howled everytime mum took her yet when peeped through window few mins later she was having fun playing

Agree with the pics during the day - I often email what we have been doing - and wouldn't hurt to pop home early one day of that would put your mind at rest

Does ds speak well ?

thinkfast Fri 20-Dec-13 08:51:34

He does have his 2 year old moments but usually I would describe him as quite laid back - doesn't cry at everything

His speech is not good - he wouldn't be able to tell me if there was a problem but he doesn't mind speaking about her in the evening - he will say her name if I ask him about his day

The only other people he would get left with are grandparents or my sister. Not generally when I'm leaving for work and as I say he doesn't cry....

Until he started crying he used to be so excited when he heard her arrive in the mornings that he couldn't get down the stairs quick enough so I don't know what has changed

Yes nanny does text photos and they always seem to be having fun, he brings home things he's made in play group etc

PenguinsDontEatStollen Fri 20-Dec-13 08:55:57

I would say that he has probably twigged that, when you hand over to nanny, you are going to be gone a whole day. He's obviously a smart cookie smile

The other possibility is, as has been said, that something isn't sitting right with the nanny. I think your gut is a good guide here. But I might come home from work a couple of hours early one day with a migraine or something, just to put your mind at rest...

bigTillyMintspie Fri 20-Dec-13 08:59:21

I agree with Penguins!

FannyFifer Fri 20-Dec-13 09:02:02

He knows Nanny means you are away to work for the day, bet you don't leave him as long with anybody else.
DD did this about 2 and a half at playgroup, but loved it when she was there. Think it's pretty normal behaviour,doesn't mean anything is wrong.

thinkfast Fri 20-Dec-13 10:27:47

Yes I think it's just separation anxiety - fear of mummy leaving. Apart from this I have no concerns about nanny at all

OutragedFromLeeds Fri 20-Dec-13 13:35:03

I think the different reactions with the nanny and grandparents/sister is because of the association with you leaving. The nanny arriving always mean you're leaving so there is a strong association between nanny arriving and mummy leaving all day. I assume you sometimes visit your sister and parents with DS i.e. not leaving? And they sometimes visit you? So the arrival of grandparents/aunty doesn't automatically mean that mummy is leaving (and if she does, it won't be all day).

I would try and shake up the routine a little bit so that he doesn't have the same cues for mummy leaving. Maybe try leaving a bit later so that he has an extended time where both you and the nanny are there. Maybe try having her come a bit earlier and give him his breakfast, so that he doesn't have a chance to get upset. Or she could come later so he's already engaged in something and you can slip out.

Is there any chance that you're making it worse? Are you cuddling him and kissing him like you're never coming back/making a big deal of leaving? Do you ever start to leave and then come back because he's crying? Does nanny get him to wave you off? There are lots of little things that can make your leaving worse for him, that maybe you/nanny haven't realised.

Fridayschild Sun 22-Dec-13 07:57:07

DS1 did this with our first nanny. One day he was working through a box of raisins when I left and was too interested in that to cry, so I thought it was nothing.

Nanny one went on maternity leave and we got nanny two. Neither child cried at all when nanny two showed up, ever. Nanny one was ok to mediocre generally I think. In retrospect she should have not survived her probation period, but she was nanny one, DS too young to communicate, and I was a first time nanny employer so what did I know? And it is a really big deal to fire any one on probation, especially a nanny.

I would second the view that your or DH should arrive home unexpectedly sometime. Or do you have friends or family who could just pop in uninvited?

TheGreatHunt Sat 04-Jan-14 19:52:58

My ds is like this. Dd is not. I think he prefers me over everyone else. He also has never really bonded with the nanny. She's good - they have fun etc but it wasn't until dd arrived that I really noticed it.

Is she affectionate with him?

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