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CMs - No appreciation after 5yrs of care

(34 Posts)
Deepgreensea Sun 29-Sep-13 21:30:18

I wasn't expecting a card/gift etc. Just a few kind words would have been nice. I asked for a reference type letter to keep in my file - not even that was done.

For 5yrs I have taken care of their child. Not to mention I have been accommodating and flexible. I don't understand some people. On Friday they collected their child as usual...end of.

I'm bewildered. sad

stomp Tue 01-Oct-13 21:15:34

I've had a couple of children leave over the past 22 years where the parent has seemed to totally ignore the fact it was the childs last day....very upsetting. Once had a grandparent do the 'last' pick up, and bearing in mind I always try to prepare children for the next phase (being excited about school/moving/new baby and doing photos, presents, and going to the door with a bright smile on my face even if I feel like crying inside) ...well I remember this child walking down the path waving like mad to me with bag full of leaving present, cards from other children and all-about-me album...and grandparent firmly holding childs hand head-down & not a word to me about it being last day. Broke my heart.
I think some parents just see their side of it- they had childcare and now its over. They do not think about their childs feelings or the childcare provider. Very sad and I do feel for you Deepgreensea.

To anyone wanting to send their old childminder a Christmas card....I often get photo's sent at Christmas of children I have not seen in years smile I love hearing about them smile But eventually inevitably I lose contact, that's life.

I looked up a few names on Facebook too, but as they're all young people now I couldn't be sure if it was them or not!
Perhaps the Christmas card/ calling round for a visit ideas might work out better for me?
I'm sorry Deepgreen you do sound quite hurt to have had no proper goodbye and thanks sad

Deepgreensea Tue 01-Oct-13 13:39:12

Cottoncandy - I am so pleased to hear my thread has inspired you to contact your childcarer! Please let me know how you get on and if you have traced them over FB.

I am certain this child in my thread is missing me deeply. I know their home life was quite challenging at times. Yes, the parents are 'as hard as nails'. That comment totally describes their lack of empathy towards their child, and the evidential actions towards myself.

No Safeguarding issues - just not the approachable parenting/caring style I aim for.

It is all so very sad and unnecessary.

TwoStepsBeyond Tue 01-Oct-13 11:04:15

Perhaps if the parents are planning on using your services during the holidays they don't see it as 'final'? Trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, because otherwise they are very rude!

Even when someone has looked after my DCs for a single afternoon I am thankful and appreciative, my friend bought me some choccys and a bunch of flowers after an impromptu sleepover, its just polite to show thanks isn't it?!

I know they were paying you, but I imagine it wasn't a huge amount for the level of commitment and responsibility involved (I am training as a CM and its a lot of work just to get registered, without all the paperwork and extra work on top of actually looking after the children!) As a parent I am always sad to say goodbye to a much loved teacher or nursery worker, in fact there were floods of tears from everyone involved when DD left nursery.

Maybe those parents are just hard as nails?!

cottoncandy Tue 01-Oct-13 10:19:17

I have been inspired by this thread to look up the lady who looked after me nearly 30 years ago on facebook!
Deepgreensea - those parents sound thoughtless and I think it is very much that they don't want to acknowledge the relationship that you have built up with their son. I am sure he will miss you!

Bramshott Tue 01-Oct-13 09:55:51

Perhaps they are planning something?? DDs CM has just stopped minding and we are all getting together for a tea party with gifts in a month or so's time, but haven't made all the arrangements yet. I would hate her to think that we don't appreciate her, or that we're not planning to say thank you, it's just difficult to get four families all together after school sad

Yes, I'd like to see how the four boys I've nannied for are growing up - especially as the youngest is the same age as my dd
Would be nice to think I could pop in to see them (after a quick call first to say I'm in the area)
I do wonder if some families quite like to cut those ties though at the end of the nanny/childminder relationship. A shame really, as would be nice for everyone to keep in touch just occasionally.
I guess I could try sending them a Christmas card?

mindingalongtime Tue 01-Oct-13 09:26:57

I would love to hear from anyone of the 60 children I have looked after over in the last 25 years and know what they are doing and that they are happy.

Some I do, and hear from regularly and I love it!

Yerazig Tue 01-Oct-13 08:58:12

I've had that being a nanny. I don't understand how you can look after someone's child for 10hours A day then they can't even be bothere to reply to your email for weeks when it comes to a natural end.

Abra1d Tue 01-Oct-13 08:02:12

I think these parents are being very thoughtless. Would never be able to walk away like this.

Booboostoo Tue 01-Oct-13 07:46:38

I don't know if this makes you feel any better Deepgreensea but the child you looked after will remember you no matter how unfeeling the parents are. I had nannies when I grew up and I still remember them with a lot of love. No one can change that because the child's feelings for you were built over the 5 year you looked after him/her.

Deepgreensea Mon 30-Sep-13 21:49:50

Thank you Loopy!! smile

Loopytiles Mon 30-Sep-13 21:05:27

That is really sad deepgreensea. Not surprised you're upset sad. The little one has been lucky to have you care for them for such a long time.

Here, have some thanks cake

Deepgreensea Mon 30-Sep-13 20:41:57

Yes the child has started school.

Something tells me the parent won't pay the holiday childcare cost when it comes to it - they will get relatives to step in for cover. I think that passing comment was made to somewhat soften the blow.

All seems very bizarre. I will toughen up and heal my wounds. CM to me will always be more that just a job. Perhaps that sincerity is what has caused my distress on this occasion?

I wasn't asking to be a substitute Aunty; or even a long term family friend. I only wanted acknowledgment that I have had input towards their child's development. A simple 'Thank you' would have done.


Is child off to start school now Deepgreen?
I expect you were sad to see them go?
I think some parents find it hard to acknowledge that other adults have such close relationships with their DC.
It's usually the most mature ones who can value your contribution in their child's life, and say thanks!
I suppose at least they asked if you might be able to have them in the school hols? Perhaps they are hoping to keep in touch?

Deepgreensea Mon 30-Sep-13 18:22:23

We were parting on very good terms (or so I thought). The parent has even asked if I can offer school holiday cover if need be.

I just don't understand how you can trust someone with your child from 7.30am-5.30pm everyday and then end it so blunt.

To me it seems so heartless. sad

It is reassuring to read other people have been treated in the same way. Lucky CMs who have thoughtful parents.

That's lovely BooBoo - I appreciated the card and pressies for me and dd given by one family I nannied for very much (she was my little assistant/ baby's companion!) I'm sure your gestures of appreciation will be much appreciated and long remembered too.
I think even if things don't end perfectly people could show a bit more grace, appreciation, and good manners for all the good stuff!

Booboostoo Mon 30-Sep-13 15:10:52

Wow that is so awful! My nanny/groom is leaving at the end of the week after 3 years with us and we're having drinks to say goodbye, I've put a little photo album together for her with a card from DD and gotten her a present. I thought it was just normal human behaviour but clearly not everyone thinks so!

doughnut44 Mon 30-Sep-13 14:27:33

I cared for a child abd the sun shone out of my backside until I dared mention to the mum that her child was doing something that he shouldn't have. omg you would have thought I was the kiddy catcher or something. overnight I turned into the worlds worst!

MissStrawberry Mon 30-Sep-13 14:23:10

fleacircus - definitely send a note and photo.

I recently contacted some people who had cared for me as a child to thank them and to say I had happy memories and they were thrilled to hear from me.

MissStrawberry Mon 30-Sep-13 14:20:59

I have had similar when I worked as a nanny. Some gave a card, gift and thanks. Others not any kind of acknowledgement, even verbally, that it was the last day. Seems some people want to treat it like a professional service until it suits them to ask for favours when things get tricky because they know you love their child and the child loves going...

I've worked as a nanny to a couple of families, and have friends who have done this too, and I think it's quite rare to find a family that can come to the end of the arrangement/contract with good grace, not finding fault, but with some appreciation for all that's been given by the carer to the children and the family. Sometimes people seem to find it difficult to say "thank-you" As a parent I always have done to those who've made a contribution to raising and caring for my DC - though not that good with presents, but how could you leave without some words of thanks ?

Tanith Mon 30-Sep-13 13:59:51

I once had the door slammed in my face so you're not doing badly smile

This was by the kids, not the parent, by the way!

fleacircus Mon 30-Sep-13 13:15:09

I think some parents are just oblivious to how significant a part of their child's life a CM or nursery worker can be - and maybe don't really want to think of it like that, because it reminds them that they're not the only adults that their children love and depend upon. It's sad for the child, too, because s/he'll certainly miss you and it would be better to have those feelings acknowledged. DD still enjoys looking back over her 'Progress Log' from her first CM, even though I doubt she remembers much of their time together very clearly.

Don't feel bad for feeling bad.

Deepgreensea Mon 30-Sep-13 12:24:37

I would like to say 'I am over it now', however I am still feeling quite hurt about it all.

When you think of all that has happened in the 5yrs I have cared for that child. All the good times, and bad.

The Christmas card/photo idea sounds lovely. If your exCM is anything like me, it will be very much appreciated.

I know I should put this behind me and move on - easier said than done hmm

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