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CMs - No appreciation after 5yrs of care

(34 Posts)
Deepgreensea Sun 29-Sep-13 21:30:18

I wasn't expecting a card/gift etc. Just a few kind words would have been nice. I asked for a reference type letter to keep in my file - not even that was done.

For 5yrs I have taken care of their child. Not to mention I have been accommodating and flexible. I don't understand some people. On Friday they collected their child as usual...end of.

I'm bewildered. sad

vix206 Sun 29-Sep-13 21:31:14

That would upset me too sad It does sound a bit odd.

HSMMaCM Sun 29-Sep-13 21:42:21

That happened to me once. I thought we got on really well and suddenly it was over sad

moogy1a Mon 30-Sep-13 07:35:38

I had this once. Normal pick up, not a word of thanks or even goodbye.
They'd been really appreciative till then as well and seemed upset when they had to give notice ( she gave up work).
I came to the conclusion some people are just odd/ pig ignorant.

smallandimperfectlyformed Mon 30-Sep-13 07:38:35

Poor you, that's horrible. It's a reflection on them, not you. It's really not nice of them not to have given you a reference.

mindingalongtime Mon 30-Sep-13 10:26:51

I've had a few like that in 25 years, it it those you least expect it from that show their appreciation. I find the more professional they are in their line of work, the less you get back.

I think they fee that ou are paid to do a job, job done, end of. I just want a few words too, thank you very much would suffice.

fleacircus Mon 30-Sep-13 10:32:11

I was just thinking yesterday about DD's first childminder - DD was with her from 8mths to 2.5yrs, when I stopped working while we organised moving. DD is 5 now, was wondering if old CM was likely to live at the same address as I thought I might send a pic of DD in school uniform with Christmas card, but thought that might be too weird. Is she likely to remember DD, or be remotely interested, do you think? She was fairly young and quite new to CMing so DD was one of her first babies, and she was fab, she was proper London and used to say 'She's been good as gold and happy as Larry' when I picked DD up. Loved it.

fleacircus Mon 30-Sep-13 10:33:53

I should say, I did give her an excellent reference, presents, card etc when DD left - those parents just sound unbelievably thoughtless, Deepgreensea.

HSMMaCM Mon 30-Sep-13 12:01:17

fleacircus - yes, do send a picture. Also send a note saying she is still fondly remembered and she can include it in the stuff she shows Ofsted and future parents.

Deepgreensea Mon 30-Sep-13 12:24:37

I would like to say 'I am over it now', however I am still feeling quite hurt about it all.

When you think of all that has happened in the 5yrs I have cared for that child. All the good times, and bad.

The Christmas card/photo idea sounds lovely. If your exCM is anything like me, it will be very much appreciated.

I know I should put this behind me and move on - easier said than done hmm

fleacircus Mon 30-Sep-13 13:15:09

I think some parents are just oblivious to how significant a part of their child's life a CM or nursery worker can be - and maybe don't really want to think of it like that, because it reminds them that they're not the only adults that their children love and depend upon. It's sad for the child, too, because s/he'll certainly miss you and it would be better to have those feelings acknowledged. DD still enjoys looking back over her 'Progress Log' from her first CM, even though I doubt she remembers much of their time together very clearly.

Don't feel bad for feeling bad.

Tanith Mon 30-Sep-13 13:59:51

I once had the door slammed in my face so you're not doing badly smile

This was by the kids, not the parent, by the way!

I've worked as a nanny to a couple of families, and have friends who have done this too, and I think it's quite rare to find a family that can come to the end of the arrangement/contract with good grace, not finding fault, but with some appreciation for all that's been given by the carer to the children and the family. Sometimes people seem to find it difficult to say "thank-you" As a parent I always have done to those who've made a contribution to raising and caring for my DC - though not that good with presents, but how could you leave without some words of thanks ?

MissStrawberry Mon 30-Sep-13 14:20:59

I have had similar when I worked as a nanny. Some gave a card, gift and thanks. Others not any kind of acknowledgement, even verbally, that it was the last day. Seems some people want to treat it like a professional service until it suits them to ask for favours when things get tricky because they know you love their child and the child loves going...

MissStrawberry Mon 30-Sep-13 14:23:10

fleacircus - definitely send a note and photo.

I recently contacted some people who had cared for me as a child to thank them and to say I had happy memories and they were thrilled to hear from me.

doughnut44 Mon 30-Sep-13 14:27:33

I cared for a child abd the sun shone out of my backside until I dared mention to the mum that her child was doing something that he shouldn't have. omg you would have thought I was the kiddy catcher or something. overnight I turned into the worlds worst!

Booboostoo Mon 30-Sep-13 15:10:52

Wow that is so awful! My nanny/groom is leaving at the end of the week after 3 years with us and we're having drinks to say goodbye, I've put a little photo album together for her with a card from DD and gotten her a present. I thought it was just normal human behaviour but clearly not everyone thinks so!

That's lovely BooBoo - I appreciated the card and pressies for me and dd given by one family I nannied for very much (she was my little assistant/ baby's companion!) I'm sure your gestures of appreciation will be much appreciated and long remembered too.
I think even if things don't end perfectly people could show a bit more grace, appreciation, and good manners for all the good stuff!

Deepgreensea Mon 30-Sep-13 18:22:23

We were parting on very good terms (or so I thought). The parent has even asked if I can offer school holiday cover if need be.

I just don't understand how you can trust someone with your child from 7.30am-5.30pm everyday and then end it so blunt.

To me it seems so heartless. sad

It is reassuring to read other people have been treated in the same way. Lucky CMs who have thoughtful parents.

Is child off to start school now Deepgreen?
I expect you were sad to see them go?
I think some parents find it hard to acknowledge that other adults have such close relationships with their DC.
It's usually the most mature ones who can value your contribution in their child's life, and say thanks!
I suppose at least they asked if you might be able to have them in the school hols? Perhaps they are hoping to keep in touch?

Deepgreensea Mon 30-Sep-13 20:41:57

Yes the child has started school.

Something tells me the parent won't pay the holiday childcare cost when it comes to it - they will get relatives to step in for cover. I think that passing comment was made to somewhat soften the blow.

All seems very bizarre. I will toughen up and heal my wounds. CM to me will always be more that just a job. Perhaps that sincerity is what has caused my distress on this occasion?

I wasn't asking to be a substitute Aunty; or even a long term family friend. I only wanted acknowledgment that I have had input towards their child's development. A simple 'Thank you' would have done.


Loopytiles Mon 30-Sep-13 21:05:27

That is really sad deepgreensea. Not surprised you're upset sad. The little one has been lucky to have you care for them for such a long time.

Here, have some thanks cake

Deepgreensea Mon 30-Sep-13 21:49:50

Thank you Loopy!! smile

Booboostoo Tue 01-Oct-13 07:46:38

I don't know if this makes you feel any better Deepgreensea but the child you looked after will remember you no matter how unfeeling the parents are. I had nannies when I grew up and I still remember them with a lot of love. No one can change that because the child's feelings for you were built over the 5 year you looked after him/her.

Abra1d Tue 01-Oct-13 08:02:12

I think these parents are being very thoughtless. Would never be able to walk away like this.

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