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Heartbroken. Childminder dilemma. Thoughts please!

(20 Posts)
Jspoony Wed 17-Apr-13 23:31:57

Hi, I need some of your thoughts please.

I have a just over 2yr DD and am 6 months pregnant. After extensive deliberation me & DH, have decided to leave London and move out to the home counties - lack of adequate schooling being the main reason.

The main wrench in moving, is leaving our fantastic childminder whom we have for our DD. She goes 4 days/wk. for the last 18mnths. She is extremely happy and settled there. Perhaps many parents say this about their CM's but she really is more than just a CM. She's a warm, kind, loving Colombian lady. Who looks after 3 other children, all aged between 2-3. She has a close knit family who live nearby, including 4 young grandchildren who are around the house much of the time. The family have taken my DD into their fold, and treat her as their own. She has become one of the family. And I am certain that they are playing a big part in shaping and nurturing her. Another wonderful thing is that shes being exposed to a different culture and is picking up Spanish language.

I have just told the CM that were planning to move. It was awful. We were both very upset. The CM said that DD was loved all of the family and they will miss her so much. I'm absolutely heartbroken.

My dilemma is this; the reality of telling CM we are leaving has made me question our move. Shall we postpone the move? Perhaps move in a years time? Or not move at all, stay put and cross fingers that schools will be ok? It feels so wrong to uproot my DD out of a loving, secure family environment. And then have to find alternative child care in a new town. If we do this, will it have a negative impact on her?

If we do go ahead with the move, we're planning for DD to still go to her London CM one day every other week. Not so much for childcare (although i will of course still pay), but more so she is able to keep in touch and see her lovely friends and second family. It's not exactly convenient - it'll be nearly an hour and half to get there, but we're planning to incorporate the journey with our work commute. Question is, what are the benefits to all concerned? The CM seems as keen as we are to keep up relations and contact. But is one day every other week enough? Enough for DD to sustain a meaningful relationship with the CM and the family? Or should we try and step it up to one day a week if possible? Or would that hinder DD settling in to her new town and childcare arrangement? And considering the journey perhaps be too tiring for her?

Would be so grateful for views and thoughts.

calmlychaotic Thu 18-Apr-13 19:28:48

Its lovely that you have such a great childminder, nice to read such a positive post.
Its hard to pay what you should do. If you are only moving for school and are otherwise happy suppose you could delay. If you are unhappy where you are and really want to move then you should. Your childminder has helped your child become happy, confident and settled by the sounds of it so she should find it easier to settle again elsewhere I would think.
Witha 2 year old it may be more unsettling doing occasional days with old cm, they wouldn't perhaps see it as keeping in touch with friends, they live in the moment. Although saying that my ds stays at his grandparents only every few months and he is very happy there. If your cm has become like family to her would be the same. Sorry not helping much. Good luck with whatever you decide.

ReetPetit Thu 18-Apr-13 21:01:43

sorry op, but calm down a bit about it! Your dd will be fine. Don't postpone your move, that would be ridiculous. I'm assuming the lady is a registered childminder, in which case she will get other children to care for (although if she really has that mant children she is over her numbers...) It is nice that you feel she has been so good for your dd and your family but changing your moving plans for what is a basically a business arrangement is a bit silly. Do keep in touch with her but I can't see any real benefit to your dd of going there once every week/every other week - particularly as the commute is so long.
At 2 yrs she will be fine and will settle well. Having had that good childcare for the first 2 years of life will help her settle elsewhere.
Just relax!!

Mrscupcake23 Thu 18-Apr-13 21:45:08

Agree with reet she will be fine with a new cm. would you really not move because of this arrangement?

Personally think the childminder is a bit too involved with your child.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 18-Apr-13 22:16:11

There will be other lovely childminders

Move now or you will have the same problem in a year or so's time assuming you will be sending no 2 to this cm

It's sad when things come to an end but that's life

Tbh taking your 2yr 1.5hrs each way to see this cm seems pointless to me

Move and start afresh smile

SouthernPolish Fri 19-Apr-13 07:51:08

Whatever age your kids are, it's a wrench to move, eg. older kids settled at school with friends. But (from experience) they DO adapt and move on. It's part of life (sadly). It's lovely that you feel so happy with your CM, but I think you need to look at the 'long view'. :-)

InTheBoonies Fri 19-Apr-13 10:16:27

That kind of child minder is like gold dust. No wonder your daughter is thriving in that environment. So many child minder's just care for the child in a perfunctory way.

I cannot for love or money find a child minder who is like that. My friend managed to find a friend of her mothers who was like that with her son and it was genuinely as if the child had a family member looking after him.

If I were you i'd stay or at least delay. Especially with a new baby on the way. But I am sure it would be ok if you did leave.

narmada Fri 19-Apr-13 12:20:36

I think it is worth considering not moving, at least. If the only reason you're doing it is for schooling especially.

Where in London do you live? are you planning to go into the state - or private- sector?

What are your specific worries about the local schools in your area - don't be fooled by the 'look' of the intake would be my advice. Some shiny home counties schools are fairly poor when you dig beneath the surface. Conversely, some ropey-looking schools in inner-city areas are actually great when you look at what they are achieving.

Jollyb Fri 19-Apr-13 21:38:49

I really wouldn't change your plans because of your childminder. My daughter was in nursery for the first year after I returned to work. I had to move jobs and was worried about moving her as she was so settled there. Guess what - she is even happier with her new childcare.

marriednotdead Fri 19-Apr-13 22:08:47

I'm saddened by those of you that see this from a purely business perspective rather than the whole, much bigger picture.

I have been lucky enough to have had fantastic childminders who completely embraced my DCs and had a huge and positive influence on their early years. I sought someone to give my DCs a 'second mum' and that's exactly what I got, with bells on.

My mother just found whoever she could without considering whether we were happy and my childhood memories are much less palatable.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

DizziDoll Sat 20-Apr-13 09:28:47

My dd's childminder was like this. When dd eventually went to school we had ds and due to logistics, we couldn't place him with the same childminder. DS's childminder turned out to be just as good!

There are many amazing childminders about. The ones who love to be around children and for whom minding is more than a job/business but almost a calling are the ones I love.

In other words. You know what you want in a childminder for your dc. When you move, you will find another who you will love.

Victoria2002 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:29:59

'Personally think the childminder is a bit too involved with your child.'
That's really sad.
It's true that your daughter will settle into the new situation, children are m

Victoria2002 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:33:37

Oops! More robust than you think, but as you said, this lady is really valuable and is a big influence on shaping your daughter and I do think consistency of childcare is really great if you can achieve it.

Mrscupcake23 Sat 20-Apr-13 14:55:33

I think the childminder and the child are too dependant on each other.

What about if the cm decides to suddenly give up? It's great that she is lovely. You can still be living and careing and professional. To think about not moving because of this is silly and then to take the child back once a week on a really long journey ?

Why not find a new cm and just pop up for a visit.

ReetPetit Sat 20-Apr-13 16:44:40

sorry, i agree with MrsCupcake.

This all sounds a bit odd imo. Is this lady even a registered childminder?

Sorry to whoever it was that said it's sad to see it as a business arrangement but that is what it is. I don't suppose the cm is as heartbroken as the op claims to be - if someone said to me they were changing their moving plans to stay close to a particular childminder I would find that a little strange actually...

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 20-Apr-13 16:59:35

have we scared op off?? she hasnt been back and replied

was wondering about crb's and regular visitors in the home, or is it only for people over 16 who live at the cm's house

ie if this cm has her grandchildren over a lot, and op said including 4 young grandchildren who are around the house much of the time if their parents (cm kids) are there as well do they need to be crbed?

yes its lovely child and cm get on well together smile but it is silly to not move so can have the same childcare, as all things end eventually, and sure you will find a lovely lady to look after both your dc

Karoleann Sat 20-Apr-13 21:57:29

Your childminder sounds fantastic!
We made the move from west hampstead to beaconsfield in June last year (my children are 6,4 and just 2) and we haven't regretted it at all.
I wish we'd done it sooner.

Where do you live? In west hampstead the schools were okay as long as you attended a specific church (which we did for 18 months before applying for DS1 school), otherwise they were terrible. Just they were just okay......both ds's go to a really nice private school, but DD will be going to our local state as its really outstanding (I can't get a place for the boys).

I don't think the idea of travelling into london is such a bad one, I probably go and meet friends every couple of weeks - I just don't think you'll want to to it with a new born baby.

My children had no problems with the move at all, you'll be on maternity leave soon and will make lots of new friends. Maybe you can find a spanish group for you DD and keep that up.

Jspoony Sun 21-Apr-13 20:07:45

Thank you everyone, for your variety of views.

A few days has passed, and i'm able to look at it a bit more rationally now! We've decided to still pursue the move, for all the reasons that you say - looking at the bigger picture etc.

We live in south London, planning to move to Herts. Our nearest local state school is excellent, but very over subscribed and we have little chance of getting in. The standard of other other surrounding schools is not at all good.

I acknowledge that we've probably got too attached to the CM & the arrangement. DD has been going since she was one. And at that time i was keen for her to have a 'family type' set up for her childcare. Seeing how happy my dd has been, the warm & secure environment that has been provided for her, and all the opportunities/activities that she's has undertaken, I have no regrets. I feel extremely lucky to have found such a wonderful CM. But do realise that there are other lovely ones out there, and hope that I find one in our new town.

Still undecided about how often we should return to visit old CM. Rightly or wrongly CM & Co. have become dd's friends and a kind of second family. So we're thinking perhaps she go a couple of days a month - in a regular paid capacity where we'd leave her for the day. My husband will do the drop off/pick up when we have our new born, en route to/from work. As a few of you pointed out though, not sure of the benefit it would bring a child that young, calmly you mentioned that 'they just live in the moment'. So perhaps more sensible to just go for the odd visit for an hour??

Thanks all! xxx

MUM2BLESS Mon 22-Apr-13 10:21:36

Its not an easy decison to make.

I am a cm. One of the mums has told me she is leaving, they are moving to London. I look after three siblings who are all leaving at the same time. This will make a difference to my hours of work and also my finances. At the end of the day the parents have to make the decsion they feel is best.

Its great that you have a brill cm, but they are other brill cm where you are moivng to. Its best to move before your little one starts school.

Your cm could at any time decide she is not cm anymore and then you would have to look for another one.

When moving you have to consider many things; not just the childcare. We can only advise you; but you must do what you think is the best thing to do.

All the best in decidingsmile

LadyRaff Tue 23-Apr-13 13:14:47

Hello! I have been in exactly the same situation when we moved house 2 years ago. My daughter, then 2, had been with the same childminder for 18 months and the CM (and her assistant husband) and I cried on the final day as had become extended family. HOWEVER, we have stayed in touch which is lovely.
It took me a while to find a new childminder who was different but great in her own ways and my daughter settled in well and my boy, then 9 months, built great relationships with the two little boys at the childminder's. My daughter started pre-school at 3 which helped us make a few friends in the new area and settle in before school started. I think the timing was great, moving later would have meant not only changing childminder but also pre-school when she just started to choose her own friends. We had to change the childminder again after another 18 months due to her having a baby and we were lucky to find another minder (after a long search mind you) where both my children are happy.
Do not delay moving because of your childcare, children will cope with the change much better than you think and there is no point taking arisk with the schools.

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