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Really disappointed with my cm- how do i let her down gently?

(52 Posts)
cheekymonk Mon 25-Mar-13 17:29:43

Have been using cm for 6 months. she does school run with 8 year old ds and has my 2 year dd 3 days a week. I found her great at first, supportive with my dd's speech probs and I liked her less formal approach. However, after pushing for a daily diary I have discovered dd has toast, crisps and fruit flakes for lunch all the time. Sometimes more fruit is offered but that is the general picture. CM never takes her ANYWHERE. Every day its playing inside all day. CM has 1 year old dd of her own plus 2 school age kids also hers. She minds another 1 year old and another school age one. What comes across is that she has far too much on her plate to really give dd much time and attention. DS says he is ignored as are all the older children.My ds has been very vocal, telling me cm shouts at dd, its not a great environment etc and cm has admitted of late that dd has been a handful.
also when i turned on my phone this morning cm hasd text me to say her son was in hospital and she couldn't have dd today. No apology or anything. I understand she was stressed but still...
So I am hunting for other cms right now. i know i prob have to give 1 months notice but when do i tell her- its going to be so awkward and i don't think I can stick another month with her...

minderjinx Fri 05-Apr-13 07:43:24

They are done ideally shortly before the HV's checks at two (which can be any time between 2 and 3 years) and I don't think there is a "better" result - it is a snapshot of the child's development at a particular time, rather than a question of trying to catch them on a good day. A lot of it will be about the child's physical and intellectual attainments and only a bit about behaviour. Professionals using it will be aware that two year old's behaviour can be a bit erratic. They may be interested in whether the reported failure to follow instructions suggests delay in understanding, but they may also conclude that the child is on track and that expectations are set too high.

cheekymonk Fri 05-Apr-13 09:45:03

Interesting you say that, took paperwork to nursery as I want to see how itall compares/do they agree etc and they said it should be done at 2.5! (DD is 26 months this month)

minderjinx Fri 05-Apr-13 10:25:51

The nursery may well have a policy to do them at a particular age, perhaps either because that spreads the work out over the year, or because it makes it easier (all children being at exactly the same stage when they are assessed) but there is nothing in the statutory requirements to say that 24 or 35 months is out of order, or that they should be done at 2.5. Obviously expectations would be different at opposite ends of the age range. Around here HVs are currently seeing children quite early - one of my children had his appointment at 24 months recently. So waiting until 2.5 would miss feeding in to the HV check.

cheekymonk Fri 05-Apr-13 18:16:51

Went in today for meeting at nursery, impromptu, think I just wanted someone to listen to me! they were brilliant, gave me lots of time and they totally disagreed with cm findings and asked whether they were talking about the same child! DD is meeting/exceeding in most areas, only the speech is an issue. They said that cm's next steps they knew dd could already do. They are going to look at numbers for having dd extra days. I have found a new cm that can have dd, just have to juggle days around abit. am still dreading talking to cm as its so hard to pin her down for proper conv. Felt a bit disloyal too today and did say to nursery that I didn't think she was bad but just had too much on her plate. I just hope dd will be ok with all the change but being indoors 3 days a week can't be doing her any good...

cheekymonk Fri 05-Apr-13 18:18:04

What was lovely was when nursery said that having dd is no trouble as she is so good. they said she is one of the better children at sitting for lunch etc.

doughnut44 Sat 06-Apr-13 08:52:10

I am going to be Devils advocate now. You seem to have a lot of faith in the nursery. I hope it isn't because they are telling you what you want to hear as opposed to addressing any issues your daughter may have. I understand you being negative about your minder -it does sound as if she has a lot on her plate and not coping. I am in a similar position s
As I have a 2 year old and 2 younger ones who are not yet walking. It is very hard toget out but if she made the effort she would probably see a difference with the children and also it is bebetter for her as she would have a chance to be around adults which makes a huge difference. The other thing to remember is that the weather has been awful for what seems like forever so if she doesn't drive that would be a factor in her getting out. The two year old I have hates being out for any length of time - even walking to playgroup.
Children do behave differently for different people. The circumstances at your minders does not seem ideal and she may be better off in nursery - do you think it is possible that having more than one carer is having an impact on your daughter? My daughter went to two different settings when she was little and in hindsight I don't think it was the right thing to do. Nursery will be doing t
Things one way and your minder another which may be confusing for a child.
As I have said previously I don't think that this minder is the right one for your child but I have been in a situation where the child has acted one way for me but a different way for everyone else. I broached issues with mum whose reaction was always well be can do it at home, he is only like that here. She did also ask if there was anything positive I could say about him. She really only wanted to hear good. He is at nursery now and is behaving in the same way for them and have also pointed out the things I did but for some reason she believes them.
Finally you say that it can't be good for her to be in all day but she won't be out and about with nursery much x

cheekymonk Sat 06-Apr-13 13:57:44

Hi Doughnut. Thanks for your reply. I do have a lot of faith in nursery but haven't always. originally dd went to nursery 3 days per week then when I increased hours at work I needed cm as nursery couldn't do every day. Around this time dd's behaviour went downhill at nursery and she was on time out a lot! I wasn't happy with nursery but dd seemed to be flourishing under cm who seemed unfazed by dd. Nursery put dd on an IEP and I heard about it secondhand so it was not a great time and I moved dd to cm for 3 days and nursery for 2 as I felt cm was coping better with behaviour and that dd preferred the home from home environment. However there has been a complete turnaround. I am not sure if something has happened in cm homelife as she definitely lacks patience with dd. I do feel nursery have addressed issues with dd and not been afraid to tackle me about it. They know I go to them with concerns and we seem to have a better relationship than we did.
I do understand it must be hard to get out with small ones but cm has pet rabbits and daily diary doesn't even show that dd can play with them or plays outside at all. I know it has been cold but there is still soft play, musuems, free groups at childrens centres.Cm does drive. I just get fed up as dd is forever being dragged to doctors, and stuff for cm and HER children. I know this will still benefit dd but its not ideal.
I really don't know how having more than one carer affects dd. I hope it provides variety and that if one is rubbish then she hopefully enjoys the other. I understand it could be confusing especially as they seem to disagree about so much but as my mum commented this am, dd is a very happy and loving child which tells me nothing is really wrong.
DD has been a monkey at home lately however, pushing boundaries etc and I certainly don't expect everyone to say she is an angel but cm's write up was harsh and she was defensive and embarrassed about it herself. nursery do take dd to local parks, they did a trip to the fish shop to buy fish for nursery which I thought was brilliant plus they have the garden so dd is outside more with nursery than cm. New Cm I have found does lots of trips/activities. Thank you Doughnut though, your post has made me think. I was guilty of being a bit reactionary the 1st time round and don't want to make the same mistake again .

doughnut44 Sat 06-Apr-13 16:16:20

Glad you aren't cross with me then for my post. I have been on both sides on the childcare fence and now I am a minder I can see why my childcare providers did certain things tgat I wasnt happy with. I hope your daughter thrives in her new setting x

danielle1981 Sat 06-Apr-13 17:39:01

Your not being unreasonable I would not be happy, my cm takes my girl out everyday ( even if it's snowing) crisps, biscuits are not allowed, I am a form believer that you can not change people I would start looking for a new cm other wise you will regret in the future.

cheekymonk Wed 10-Apr-13 17:04:34

Well ds has been with cm as well as dd for 2 out of 3 days. he loved his 1st day and asked that we keep her as he was allowed to be on his tablet all day and they didn't go anywhere! He had cheese sandwich, crisps, dunkers for lunch and fruit tray at snack time. I asked a few questions and apparently cm is mostly in another room and on the phone most of the day. I asked how much attention she gives to her little one and ds says she pretty much ignored all of them. DS took a video on his tablet of all of them in lounge dancing, my dd is on settee jumping and dancing and having fun but cm is clearly not in same room sad
2nd day they didn't go out all day again, ds on tablet again most of day. DS said cm told dd more today.
I am gutted and so stressed with it all. New CM I have found can't have dd until mid June (better than Sept that it was originally going to be).
I am considering reporting her I am so annoyed and upset. Kids seem fine bit what if dd had fallen off settee? DS says DD is more naughty at cm and I am sure this is down to lack of attention. He is still happy as she bought him a mcflurry today and they went to park (the day dd isn't with them!).

cheekymonk Wed 10-Apr-13 21:08:50


moogy1a Thu 11-Apr-13 07:46:38

She sounds rubbish. not rubbish enough to be reported tbh but still not good.
Lunch doesn't sound too bad and at some point she WILL fall off the settee, repeatedly at both your house and cm's!!
I also would not be in the least concerned that she's not in the same room as them when the video was filmed. She won't be in the same room as them all the time and it sounds like dd was having fun?
Basically, I would say she's more of a stay in home cm which obviously isn't suiting you, but please don't threaten her livelihood over it when your dd is happy.
I would also ask why your ds was sent with his tablet if you didn't want him playing with it? I don't allow children to bring ds etc. as it's a nightmare to get them off them
Anyway, I would just get through the next few weeks till June then hope the next CM is more your style

ReetPetit Thu 11-Apr-13 08:35:14

I agree with moogy. She doesn't sound awful enough to report but she sounds not great, dis interested and probably a cm so she can stay at home with her dd. I know a couple of cm who don't go out much,personally i would be climbing the walls but their parents seem happy enough , probably because their dc are happy.
I also agree with moogy about the tablet - my dc don't have them!! Don't complain that he's on it, you bought it and sent it with him!!

I would bear with her until new vm cannot start. Im not sure why you are sending ds too tbh - would he not be better off in a playscheme if its as boring there as you say it is?

I do have some sympathy with the vm - hi many mindless does she have? It can be hard to find places to go to suit varying age ranges, especially if you have a double buggy and the weather is rubbish.

ReetPetit Thu 11-Apr-13 08:35:45

Sorry about spelling - on phone

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 11-Apr-13 13:19:31

the food would annoy me, crisps.toast,fruit flakes cheese dunkers hmm are not healthy meals

fine once in a while but not every day

did you not discuss/ask what food she cooks and what she does during the day at the beginning like groups etc?

her dd opening the door is not on - i thought only cm could open and allow people in (something to do with ofsted rules, ) or is that something ive dreamt up?

dont allow your 8yr to take his tablet if you dont want him on it

the cm wont always be in the room but sounds like all was fine, laughter etc, be a very different story if your ds filmed and dd was crying/hurt herself and cm didnt come in

in the end dd seems happy there (minus the food and not going out) and you are going on your eyes and ears( your 8yr ds) who is prob bored and sounds the eldest there

cheekymonk Thu 11-Apr-13 16:08:57

Fair point about the tablet but I partly let him take it because I know they don't do much. He has gone to playschemes but moans about all of them!
I have calmed down now and today has been better, they have been out.
yes dd could fall off settee in my home and i'm glad she is having fun but she was in another room for ages.
Its because dd seems happy I have left it this long but there are just too many issues. CM had 6 children at start of week,her 1 year old, my dd, her 5 year old, my ds 8, her dd also 8 and another 8 year old. I just feel the standard of care/stimulation at nursery is a million times better and dd is very happy there. Yes the food annoys me too, its always the same!
the later comments seems to indicate I am being too critical but at the end of the day I am paying cm to care for my children and I want them cared for. Got visit with potential cm next week. Thanks for your input, good to hear it from your point of view. in hindsight I would not choose acm with a large young family of her own again. Its too much.

cheekymonk Fri 12-Apr-13 16:07:58


Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Fri 12-Apr-13 20:37:47

If you are not happy with her, give her the amount of notice in terms of the contract that is required, and move your children. Things will probably not change with her so waiting for a time to talk things through may not solve your dilemma.

Give notice and move on.

NickNacks Fri 12-Apr-13 21:54:37

Not sure what else you're 'bumping' for?

You clearly don't like her or want to use her services so give written notice and move on. I understand if you can't get someone to take over immediately but that's something you need to decide.

I also don't think these are reportable offences. You just don't like the way she does things, that's fair enough but ofsted are there for serious breaches in registration and safeguarding, of which these are not.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

ReetPetit Sat 13-Apr-13 10:16:04

you have been given opinions op. Clearly you are unhappy with your childminder so you should therefore withdraw your children from her care. There is nothing anyone else here can say to you really....

And please don't tar all childminders with young families with the same brush. Many manage just fine. And she doesn't seem awful - just does things differently to you. But clearly she's not right for you/you for her, so move on.

moogy1a Sat 13-Apr-13 12:08:48

If it's any help, it can work fantastically choosing a CM with her own young fa,mily. I have 3 dc, 6 yo, 2 yo and 4 month and my mindees are given oodles of attention , love, trips out every day. It just means we are a "family" of 7 kids some days, not 3.
Don't assume that cm's can't handle lots of children including their own.
Good luck in finding someone who suits your needs better.

cheekymonk Mon 15-Apr-13 16:20:45

It seems my bumping annoys you nicknacks and reetpetit- just interested in peoples opionions that's all. Sorry if it annoys you ;)
I think my standards are too high by the seems of things and some of the cm here seem defensive. My direct experience has been that a young family has caused my dd to be given less attention but I agree that may not be the norm. Appt booked with other cm this week so will be withdrawing soon if all goes ok. I do agree with the post about discussing parenting styles at the start, that just wasn't done. So onward and upward and no more bumping, lol!

cheekymonk Sat 20-Apr-13 13:49:32

Have been to see another cm and love her. More of a nan figure and just lovely, lovely. I have apt to sign contracts next thurs but still haven't told current cm. am dreading this conv. I plan to say that we are changing due to current one having so much on her plate and being unable to do the trips I would like for dd and that dd's needs have changed during the last 6 months,no offence meant etc. There is no point criticising her to death and I don't want a nasty ending seeing as we will be bumping into each other for years to come. Does this sound ok?

cheekymonk Sat 20-Apr-13 13:49:46

Have been to see another cm and love her. More of a nan figure and just lovely, lovely. I have apt to sign contracts next thurs but still haven't told current cm. am dreading this conv. I plan to say that we are changing due to current one having so much on her plate and being unable to do the trips I would like for dd and that dd's needs have changed during the last 6 months,no offence meant etc. There is no point criticising her to death and I don't want a nasty ending seeing as we will be bumping into each other for years to come. Does this sound ok?

ReetPetit Sat 20-Apr-13 16:48:49

it sounds like the cm is not really wanting to look after your dd any more imo op for whatever reasons.

Just give your required notice and if she asks for reasons just tell her you have found a cm who's routine fits better with your dd and you.

Does the new cm know the old one? If so, be careful what you say to the new cm as cms do tend to talk to each other at groups etc so if you want to stay on friendly terms with old cm and been seen as a nice/fair person by your new cm, I would just stick with feeling that the old cm isn't a good fit for you personally and/or dd.

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