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High need toddler - what to tell new nanny?(117 Posts)
grapes, thanks for the update - always nice tho sorry to hear about ds hearing, but hope he/you are getting the support you need/want
also good news about the naps and co sleeping - just a case of weaning him off with longer creeping aways - tho ouch at stopping sleep at just over 2 years
OP I've only read the thread since you bumped it, but just wanted to say that I was at some of the narrow-minded, judgy attacks you were subjected to. You obviously had perfect instincts - well done on sticking with them.
Hi OP, thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear about your DS's hearing loss, but great that you've had it picked up/diagnosed and can now work more effectively on his anxieties etc. Also pleased to hear you got childcare sorted. I think going for someone who lives-in was a really good idea. I've done live-in jobs and you definitely bond quicker/more easily I think, particularly when the children are young and very quickly accept you as 'part of the furniture'!
The nursery I choose was really tiny under 3 there were about 10 children in a room. Preschool at it busiest had 20, but that was only for the three hours each morning earlier and later was quiet.
School also has small classes capped at 20 children.
I rarely took her to soft play as she found the noise in the type of building unbearable. We used ear defenders for firework displays.
Interestingly though making music with others derives her a huge amount of pleasure she sings in 2 choirs, plays the recorder and the clarinet and plays in an orchestra.
I have just finished reading your thread and wanted to say that I'm sorry that some people were so dismissive of your parenting initially. You have done absolutely the best for your DS and I'm sure he'll grow up to be a happy and confident little boy with a brill mum. Well done you (meant in a non-patronising way)
I did read your thread originally, but as I was reading it was screaming Auditory Overload due to hearing issue to me. My DD had significant hearing loss and I had to find a very small quiet nursery for her because of this. Ultimately I sent her to an all girl's school because in her words boy noise hurts her ears. At 9 years old she does attend some summer camps where there is boy noise, but she does find these camps overwhelming and is much happier on a Netball week etc.
Glad you have now found out the problem. My DD is a lovely out going girl, but she can not cope with certain types of noise.
Thanks for the update I remember this thread well. it's a reminder for all parents who instinctively feel something is "different" about their child to trust their instincts, even in the face of people assuming it's their parenting style that's causing the behaviour. Well done.
Why have you bumped your old thread wellovegrapes? Has something new happened?
I'm a cm and I have a very high needs clingy child, she has now settled well with me but it took months and she took up lots of my time, I never left her to cry and everything had to be done very very gradually with her. The only reason I persevered with this child and I was close to giving up many times, was because of her mum, she worked with me tried my suggestions. We were able to keep things consistent at home and at mine, she was brilliant to work with and it has been a really joint effort to get this little girl where she is now. I'm incredibly proud when she happily runs off and plays at toddler group or waves night night and goes for a nap. Would have seemed unbelievable a couple of months ago. I am not particularly experienced either.
I agree that before being a parent I would have been unlikely to take on a job like this. If I were nannying for you I wouldn't agree to cosleep, not because I'm opposed to it but because I think a nanny or someone outside the family has a better chance of sorting the sleep out. Neither would I leave him to cry hysterically though, and unfortunately many nannies seem to be of the opinion that crying is ok and CC or even CIO solves everything.
I wouldn't take a completely inexperienced childcarer btw - second job at least - but that's not just down to having to deal with the frying, there are a host of other things you don't need to be negotiating PLUS a high needs child. It's just that nannies who have trained more recently are more aware of the shift away from GF and her ilk. When I trained the Baby Whisperer was seen as soft/gentle parenting!
I had a clingy child, but luckily I worked part time, so was at home for her a lot. On the first day at school she went in without a backwards glance. She is more than happy to do groups and sleepovers.
What I learned was not to push her too hard into situations that didn't suit her.
I would however really recommend pick up/ put down for teaching your son to sleep. If you can sort that aspect out, the rest of it doesn't seem so daunting.
Also op I am not a special needs nanny but would be happy to work for you if I needed a job. I have 23 years experience and know that not all children are the same and you have to adapt your experience and training to fit the child.
Take no notice if zavi. I was a nanny before I had children and very judgy like Zavi.
However now I have had my own children its not as easy as you think and I am a far better calmer nanny than I am being a mum. When it is your own child it is ten times harder.
I have got two children one quiet and shy and not much of a mixer and the other one is almost too confident.
Zavi, I have reported your post as an unpleasant personal attack. You're talking out of your arse.
Oh goodness me he's 20 months old, just a baby still really. There's a huge amount of growing up to do between now and school. There's no way you can judge what kind of school child he'll be based on how he is now. FWIW OP I think it sounds like as a parent you are responding well to his needs rather than creating them by the way you parent. Yes you do need to work on him accepting being in groups etc. but it does sound like you are doing that. I don't think being all hard line on a toddler that little is going to do anything to increase his confidence. None of that really helps with your nanny situation but fingers crossed you'll find someone who suits.
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OP it's a credit to you how diplomatically you've taken some of these posts, not all if which have by any means been thoughtful or constructive.
Ds1 was very similar to your child. We didn't actually ever do any toddler groups as they just didn't work at all. Anyway he's now 6 and a delight.
I did learn that just ignoring the crying and whinging worked the best. He went to nursery for a couple of sessions a week from the age of about 6months and complained at them for a few hours, but I got a much needed break!
I really think you will have problems finding someone who is willing to co-sleep for naps - I also think that if should advertise for a very experienced nanny she will be able to work through the issues with you.
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