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is this odd/unreasonable?

(55 Posts)
redundant Mon 26-Nov-12 21:29:43

hi there, we are relocating, and have found a new childminder who has one child of her own. She has announced that her son goes to judo class once a week (middle of the day on a weekday). The class is for 45mins and it's a half hour drive away. She has asked if we would like to join my son in the class, and has said that if not she will take some activities for my son to do while he waits and watches.
Is this a bit odd? I have no problem with childminders fitting my children in with their everyday life in terms of going to shops, doctors etc, but it seems to show a lack of empathy for the child that is going to have to sit and watch (we can't afford the lesson fee on top of childcare costs). Or do you think this is ok? Genuinely looking for opinions as can no longer see the wood for the trees, thank you.

Mindingalongtime Tue 04-Dec-12 10:12:04

On the other hand I have taken minded children to swimming and ballet lessons and MY children have had to sit and watch the minded child, it has never been a problem for me or my children. My children have often missed out because of minding, but accept that is life and it is my work

There may come a time when your son has an activity you want him to do and may want your childminder to take him to it, sit and wait with her children, - what goes around comes around, it s fairly normal for siblings to have to do this, and that is how I see my minded children an extension of my family and accommodate everyones's needs best as I can.

If you like her, go with it, it may not be so easy to find another minder

Yorkpud Mon 03-Dec-12 16:16:21

It's the half an hours drive that would put me off. That would make 1 hour in the car plus 45 mins waiting around. However, she has been upfront so you have the choice to either accept her terms or find another childminder.

MrsPotato Mon 03-Dec-12 14:38:12

I don't think reet sounded aggressive. She was hammering home her point and after reading a thread containing 50 odd posts with a fairly even split hers is certainly one of the more memorable posts.

As a CM and parent I wouldn't have anything against the class in principle but the amount of time in total out of the afternoon (did OP say ds did afternoons only?) would make it a no for me.

ReetPetit Mon 03-Dec-12 14:09:54

i wasn't aware of being rude, aggressive or insulting LingDiLong,, my apologies if you feel us was.
i don't think my answer gives any representation of cms in general - i am answering the question for myself, no one else....

LingDiLong Mon 03-Dec-12 13:18:25

Is there really any need to be so.rude reet? The OP has graciously accepted that the childminder wasn't being unreasonable and has explained her valid concerns about moving. Your attitude in your reply does none of us any favours on this kind of thread; being insulting and aggressive is hardly a good representation of the kind of service childminders offer.

ReetPetit Sun 02-Dec-12 22:20:36

it's not odd or unreasonable imo - i'm assuming your ds is pfb??
it's life! and believe it or not, we childminders do have lives, and children and families and commitments other than the children we mind!
it is 45 minutes a week, it's not going to hurt him. at least she has told you about it!
if it's a real issue for you, as it seems to be, maybe you should look for someone else (who dosent have any children/other children to care for....)

LingDiLong Sun 02-Dec-12 20:03:08

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I think it was fine for her to ask but can understand why you're not happy with the arrangement.

I'm a childminder and work hard to ensure my kids are treated with equal importance to the minded children (Tanith is right, it's all too easy to fall into the trap of NOT giving them equal importance) but I wouldn't expect a parent to agree to that kind of arrangement. I might ask but I wouldn't go ahead with it if they weren't happy. Judo at that age is probably lots of fun but not essential. I wouldn't see it as a big deal having to wait until they are a little older and could join an evening class.

If you are happy with her in every other way though I'd still go ahead and give her a chance. The quality of care she provides may well balance out the negative aspect of this judo class, plus her child is so young it may not turn into a long term arrangement anyway!

raspberryroop Sun 02-Dec-12 19:51:30

Really ??? ok so ask the childminders to go 1/2 with her -or some other reasonable flipping solution unless its world class training its unlikely to be more than £3/4 a class - If she gets tax credits for childcare then get the child minder to add to bill.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 02-Dec-12 18:52:42

op,said she couldnt afford the class

raspberryroop Sun 02-Dec-12 18:22:59

Erh why not let your son take the class, Judo is a fantastic sport - win-win

woahthere Sat 01-Dec-12 19:28:17

I think its absolutely fine. I dont understand why it would bother you. She has given you the option of your son joining in which I personally would be chuffed with, but if not she has said she will take activities for him...she is totally thinking of your child. As someone else said, if you want total one to one then get a nanny, but my personal opinion is it is good for children to join in, have to wait sometimes etc. Its just real life and is one of the GOOD things about going to a childminder.

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 01-Dec-12 18:21:24

Op has already said she more irked as cm child rather then another mindee

So op are you going to use this cm or find another?

I still don't think 2hrs out of a working week is bad smile

fraktion Sat 01-Dec-12 16:35:05

She's unlikely to be able to swap the class though. If it were another mindee what would the response be?

doughnut44 Sat 01-Dec-12 00:48:47

swimming lessons - whoops

doughnut44 Sat 01-Dec-12 00:48:12

This is normal, I take my son swimming while my minded ones watch. We take activities for if they want to do it but most of the time they want to watch.

redundant Tue 27-Nov-12 19:10:58

Hi again - I agree with some things that have been said, disagree with the way some other things have been said ;)

It was dropped into conversation some considerable time after we had agreed to start with her, not at the time we initially discussed terms, routine etc. She works 4 days a week, and my son is only with her 4 afternoons (my younger daughter is with her all day, 4 days a week). I don't think I was being unreasonable asking if she could swap to a class that takes place either on her day off, or on a morning when she only has my daughter (my daughter is only 9months and wouldn't care less where she is, so I have no problem with it happening when she's caring for just her).

I also don't think that the fact I am (possibly!) overthinking this and being ultra sensitive about my son's happiness, when he is also having to cope with a new school, leaving his friends, a new house and everything else is a sin - I think it would be strange of me not to. Our current childminder is like a member of our family, we will miss her terribly, and that has perhaps made me extra cautious about who fills her place.

thanks to those who have posted sensible opinions, much appreciated as a different perspective. Think this thread has done its job now, I've got lots of different opinions from you all, which has been very helpful - thank you.

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 27-Nov-12 18:41:56

It's less then 2hrs a week including travel

A cm isn't one to one and they decide what they are doing during the day

If you want one to one and input then employ a nanny

minderjinx Tue 27-Nov-12 18:07:10

I don't think your new CM is at all out of order. She has a family commitment which she has told you about and has offered you some options. You do of course also have the option of finding other childcare. I think that might be for the best if you are already considering whether her actions are odd/unreasonable - that doesn't sound like a very promising basis for a partnership.

CheerfulYank Tue 27-Nov-12 16:05:12

If it were every day I'd say no, but once a week...meh. Not a big deal IMO.

fallingsun Tue 27-Nov-12 14:42:07

I think its quite odd. If its half and hour drive each way, plus forty five minute class then realistically its going to be a couple of hours round trip. Not much fun for your ds, I'd think he'd feel quite excluded. Unless you really like this cm in other respects, I'd consider changing.

CheerfulYank Tue 27-Nov-12 14:41:20

Well...your childminder said he could do the class, didn't she? And he's 4, I think he'd understand "not being able to join in." confused

FWIW I am, or was, the parent of a mindee. DS went to a childminder from the time he was four months old until last May when he was almost five. I wouldn't have had an issue with this at all...I probably would have taken her up on the offer to have DS join though, martial arts are great for kids! smile

pippin26 Tue 27-Nov-12 13:44:57

what do you mean its not 'inclusive' - of course it is and the minder has given you the option of seeing if you wanted your child to join in.. its not the minders fault that you choose not to.
So would you say an visit to the doctors, dentist, trip to shops to buy new shoes should be 'inclusive' (using your reasoning)?
Utter rubbish, as I said, my mindees have to accompany me twice a week for my child to go to dance class, one is continually asking 'can I go' - I tell her to ask her mummy - it is for her mum (parents) to allow/not allow for what ever reasons and up to them to explain the reasons.

Being able to afford/not afford is subjective to each family and just because one family can afford choose to do - is nothing to do with being 'inclusive' . (You are interpeting it wrong)

Obviously if you are viewing this minder this way then find another minder.

OutragedFromLeeds Tue 27-Nov-12 13:10:17

Is your DS an only child? I think if he had siblings this probably wouldn't bother you because you'd know it's completely part of life, just as much as going to the shops/dentist/doctor is. It's probably a valuable experience for him that he wouldn't normally have as an only child.

I imagine that he won't be required to sit still and silent in the Judo hall for 45mins. They will probably be waiting outside/in a cafe or something and he can colour/do a puzzle/read/talk to the childminder/play i-spy.

If you're not happy with this childminder don't use her, but there is nothing odd or unreasonable or selfish about what she is doing.

Tanith Tue 27-Nov-12 12:48:47

I guessed it might be because it was her own son hmm

I think you need to consider how often that child has to come second to the mindees, as does almost every childminder's child.

Take my own daughter, for example. I started back minding two weeks after she was born. All she has ever known is having to share her home, her toys, her parents, her family with minded children. She has had to miss activities and parties because I'm a childminder. Both she and her brother have missed out on having their friends round to play and having them to tea because I'm a childminder. She's had birthday presents smashed by minded children before she even got to play with them. She and her brother have been hurt by minded children in their own home.

I don't doubt your childminder's son could tell a similar story: and now you want to prevent him from attending a club he enjoys. Because he's a childminder's child.

poopnscoop Tue 27-Nov-12 11:43:38

That's what childminding is about ... different childminders offer different services... I, who is childless, would not have this kind of thing happen... but then I also focus on the under 3s and do not do school runs, so would not be able to lift and carry your child to and fro school.

There is nothing selfish (very harsh for anyone to say that) about the childminder... this is the service she offers, which happens to involve a judo session once a week.

You need to weigh up the 45 minute judo session against the care she will offer you the rest of the week she has your child. She said she's have activities for him etc. He'd get some lovely time with her.. and get to watch judo which would be fun.

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