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Nanny teething problems ..... Help Please!(29 Posts)
I recently returned back to work after my 2nd DD. We have not had an easy time sorting out a nanny. Our initial nanny didn't have any paperwork so we didn't ask her to start. We found someone else but she resigned after 2 weeks because she didn't want to do the childrens washing(!) - she was lovely and cuddley with the girls and both of them dd1 - aged 3 and dd2 almost 1 seemed to really like her.
We have found someone else who my husband and I really like (she stayed with her previous family for 5 years, and we really liked that as we'd like the same level of continuity) but she is a lot stricter than the previous nanny, and my eldest is now whispering to me as soon as she sees her " I don't like x, she can't come to my party" and she demands that either my husband or I take her to nursery and has a screaming fit if we leave her with the nanny. I should also mention its only week 2 of new nanny.
What should I do? Is this just teething problems or should we consider getting another nanny?
Do you have examples of her being strict? Is she over the top or are you too soft? Also why are your nannies deciding how "strict" they are with your dcs eg shouldn't you give some guidelines so there is consistency. My nanny is a total softy who finds it hard to discipline the dcs. She's a lot better but whenever dd tries it on with our nanny we make sure we back up our nanny rather than pander to the dc. It makes her job easier.
Also age three is classic age to see how far you can push boundaries. Dd1 played lots of I want nanny not you/ I don't want nanny - I want mum/dad games at this age so it could be dd1 is trying to test how new relationship .
examples of her being strict are:
after music class, no chocolate coin - but oat and raisin cookie
dd2 always wants to take something to nursery doll, etc which is not really allowed. I usually let her take something and then put it in the bag and she forgets about. Nanny is " i don't think you can take that to nursery..."
i know this sounds like I am being ridicously soft ...
So if you don't mind tv or chocolate coin after nursery, tell her. Is The issue really if she is going against what you have set out as guidance?
If you haven't said anything, then nanny is probably going to err on side of being more strict (better that than the nanny I had who announced that dd1 would eat porridge if you put chocolate in it ).
If the issue is one of the nanny being able to act when you are too soft (your words), then I think it is harsh to blame your issues about how to parent on the nanny.
Didn't mean that last bit to sound harsh btw as I know how hard it is sometimes to work out if its a question of a real issue or just difference of style.
its not really issues with parenting, I am happy with sticking the doll in the bag and forgeting about it and dd having a chocolate coin.
I think what i am struggling with is if my dd1 is taking a dislike to the nanny what should I do about it? either - give it a bit more time and dd settles down or if they are not seeming to get along, should i consider other options l
Hmm- I would give it another week or so. Have nanny and dd had any fun activities together where they can bond?
I am assuming nanny arrived after dd used to you on maternity leave (or was there another nanny)? If so that is quite a shift.
Fwiw we are on our third nanny now and it took dd1 (4) about a month to bond as was favouring old nanny (was some handover time) then wanting me. Dd1 and nanny now just fine (and we had a lot of I don't like nanny etc that you describe).
I agree with Gigondas, I think you have to guide your nanny on how you would like her to "parent", else she will be cautious. We all parent in different ways, so she's not a mind reader. Just to give you a different perspective, I am quite strict so what she is doing sounds perfectly acceptable to me, in my experience, if you have a nanny who is willing to do the difficult messages then that's no bad thing.
You need to tell her about the chocolate coin. Perhaps she thinks she will get hungry after the class, hence the oats, but she could have both as chocolate coins are minuscule.
You could explain to the nanny and your dd about the taking things to nursery. She's not allowed to take them in but as a compromise she can take them on the journey. My dd always did this. It made her happy and it's a small thing. The nanny is probably trying to ensure that there is not a problem when she gets to nursery. I don't think shes doing it to be mean. Just practical.
have you told nanny that you dont mind tv and odd bit of chocolate
some families friends have worked for ban both and at every birthday party the little girl wasnt allowed the small chocolate in pass the parcel
the toy thing saves arguments and tears in the car/at nursery if not allowed toys at nursery then easier to leave at home - you are taking the easy route by allowing doll to go with you - what happens if dd remembers the doll and wants it?
3yr do play up,esp when you are walking out the door,what i would do, if walk out the door, but then peep through window a few mins later to see how the nanny stops the tantrum and how dd is - bet you anything she is happy
Yes I was on maternity leave, then we had my mum 1 week, nanny that resigned 3 weeks, my mum 1 week, new nanny now into her 2nd week. So it probably is a bit all over the place for her. So we've had a lot of I miss you when you go to work mummy...
They had quite a nice time last week looking for halloween outfits and I could suggest going for an afternoon trip on weds or thurs.
I think it's partly the change, partly an issue of consistency between you and the nanny. IME it works much better when the parents are stricter than the nanny but most nannies will err on the side of caution as its easier to relax than tighten up IYSWIM.
The nanny is encouraging your DD to do things other than watch the TV, giving her healthy snacks instead of chocolate and encouraging her to follow the rules set out by her nursery. Sack her immediately!
I'm also a 'strict' nanny so I'm probably biased, but I really can't see what she's doing wrong. If you've told her that DD must have chocolate and she is going against it then fair enough, but I can't see the problem with introducing a healthy snack if you haven't specified it must be chocolate.
I think with all the changes it's not really surprising that your DD is taking time to settle and adjust tbh. Just give it more time. Is the nanny doing lots of fun things with them? Maybe give the nanny some tips on what your DD loves doing, so back her up on the TV thing for example, but give her some ideas of what to do with that time i.e. no TV with nanny we can do that on the weekend, but with nanny you can bake/make Christmas cards/have Jane over to play etc.
I think its good that the nanny won't let my DD watch TV and is giving her healthy snacks but I think its contributing to the dd " I don't like nanny" stance and I am a bit concerned about it.
I think its a good idea to do more fun things with them.
Thanks for all the comments generally, writing and replying to posts is really helping me clarify my thinking!
'but I think its contributing to the dd " I don't like nanny" stance'
It probably is. She probably doesn't like you when you tell her she can't have her own way. She probably won't like school when they tell she must do x,y,z or she can't do x,y,z. No-one likes being told they can't have their own way. It's not a reason to change nannies though.
How does DD2 react to the nanny?
I am feeling the strict vibe from your post ;)
dd2 is fine with the nanny, being a second child she is generally more chilled out. dd1 is ok at nursery with being told what to do, I think its a question of style - nanny is slightly more head on, lets get the issue over with whereas an alternative could be a more diversion/humour them approach
Is the Oat and Raisin cookie all that much more healthy? I suspect it may depend what you look at - it might be a bit less sugar, it contains probably more fibre. If you nanny is thinking that it is healthier and it is purchased (so has packaging) then may be worth comparing the nutritional information, there may not be that much difference and the size difference (if the cookie is bigger than the chocolate coin) may make them equally bad in sugar terms.
Ultimately though I feel it's your choice what your DD has after music class. If the routine you have established is that she has a chocolate coin after doing music class without fussing or causing disruption, then it's up to you if your nanny continues with that. It seems to me that keeping to routines already established is a good idea at this stage as there has been quite of changes over the past few months for your children.
Your children are used to having TV, so going to no TV at all is probably quite a shock to the system. I am not surprised that a 3 year old is not happy about that. Is your nanny very anti-tv, or are they just doing what they think you want... talk to them about it, see if a compromise can be agreed so that DD is not unhappy.
Do you really need to suggest they go on an outing - nanny is already doing outings by the sound of it, or was it only going shopping for Halloween outfit?
It can take a while for children to get to know nanny and takes nanny a while to get to know what parents want and what children like. Give it time. Talk with your nanny, make sure they know what DD is uphappy about so they can adapt things to make her happier.
The things that you have mentioned are all things I would have expected you to have covered in the nanny's initial induction e.g. if you did not give any guidance on tv, then I think many nanny's default position would be to not turn it on. Certainly, many parents would be unhappy to come home and find their children watching tv when nanny is still there. My instructions to all the nannies we have over the years has been along the lines of "please no tv before 6, unless sometimes on Friday when everyone is tired or if the weather is particularly vile and you've had enough of board games. Please just keep an eye on what they are watching."
Similarly with food, how does the nanny know that it's ok for your dd to have something as specific as a chocolate coin after music if you haven't told her?
Your dd has had a lot of change recently with you going back to work and her second nanny in a short space of time. I would give it more time for everyone to settle into the new routine.
Yuck, wish I had reread that before hitting send and I would have noticed that I obviously changed my mind mid-sentence but my fingers didn't follow! Hope the grammar police aren't around .....
nothing wrong with a bit of telly during a long day
Most nannies would expect to not give chocolate, keep the TV off and follow the nursery rules unless you have told them otherwise - so it is up to you to tell the nanny what you want here.
agree with the above
I'm a nanny who says no choc, no tv etc, unless told otherwise
I think it can also depend on her previous job and what was expected there. If it was no tv, chocolate etc she will probably just carry that on. Most
Parents I've worked for say no to these things so I would definitely go with the cautious decision. Best let her know that you're happy with certain things and then see if she listens.
Also can I say from experience of being a mother and a nanny it's a lot easier for a nanny to just say no rather than come up with a compromise for something like a parent may do. I know before I had my dd I was stricter with my charges than I am with my dd.
You want to sack this woman because your 3 year old hasn't taken to her in 2 weeks?
And she does slightly different things to you, things which you think are eminently sensible anyway.
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