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I feel TERRIBLE because I have a mindee that I cannot bond with

(50 Posts)
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Thu 25-Oct-12 14:03:58

and her behaviour drives me nuts. I have her Mondays only, 9 til 6. Her main predicament is that she finds it difficult to fall asleep so the result is that she is constantly shattered which makes her behaviour appalling.

The child is 3 and is put to bed at 7.30pm. Mum said on Mon when she was dropped off that she only fell asleep going on 10pm the night before. So she is exhausted and unable to control her outbursts or to take simple instructions. I have tried to get her to sleep here, but she jumps about in the travel cot if she is upstairs, and rolls around kicking and fighting sleep if she is downstairs. The result of this is every Monday afternoon is helllish because she screams and cries and performs due to be overtired.

I have been minding for some time now and I really have tried to get things to work for this child. But I feel that I cannot accommodate her properly because of her behaviour.

So, what do other CMs think? She has been with me for 6 months and sometimes has a sleep at mine, sometimes not. On the says she does not sleep it is HELL!

Help!

GrimAndHumourless Thu 25-Oct-12 14:09:08

Oh so sad for everyone

In the best interest of the child to give notice so parents can find someone else.

wedoNOTdomistyping Thu 25-Oct-12 14:10:24

It must be hard for her to sleep at yours if she is only there one day a week. On top of her exhaustion which you described she has never got into the routine of a sleep when she is with you (which she may have done if she was with you, say, Mon-Weds).

What has her mum said about her daytime sleep during the rest of the week? Does she ever nap at home? When she does sleep at yours what has worked?

I wouldn't feel bad, this sounds like a horrible situation that is unpleasant for all.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Thu 25-Oct-12 14:17:19

GrimandHumourless, I know. It is really sad and I feel so guilty that I cannot "sort" it.

WedoNOT, when she has slept at mine, her behaviour is markedly better. Her mums says that she is one day a week at granny's and she usually has about an hour there, and two days a week at nursery and has maybe 30 - 40 min there. She never sleeps during the day at home. Mum says when she does not sleep in the day then she goes to sleep earlier at night.

I think in fairness to all, I will have to give notice. If someone was an frustrated and irritated with my DS as I am with this poor kid, I would hate for him to be with that person. HATE myself for this!!

GrimAndHumourless Thu 25-Oct-12 14:53:35

don't hate yourself - you have been tenacious and proactive in trying to make things work; the professional thing IS to give notice.

Chin up

straighttohellymelly Thu 25-Oct-12 15:00:11

I found with both my dds there was a point when if they did have a nap they were then up until about 11,so overtired the next day, and if they didn't they were overtired and beastly anyway. Luckily that stage did pass, so maybe as this little girl gets older her naps will stop altogether but she will have a better night's sleep? I sympathise as a tired toddler is very hard work.

minderjinx Thu 25-Oct-12 17:26:24

Don't beat yourself up about this. The poor child probably doesn't know whether she's coming or going , spending time at yours, GPs, nursery, home. She probably hasn't got into a proper routine anywhere. That's why a lot of nurseries won't even take a little one for just a day a week.

FireOverBabylon Thu 25-Oct-12 17:30:55

I agree with Minder the poor child has such a range of childcare, it will be very difficult to get consistent routine and sleep across the week.

MUM2BLESS Sat 27-Oct-12 21:30:47

I had a mindee who would sometimes go to bed late and wake up early to come to my house.

She did like sleeping at my house and made that very clear. Her behaviour was often linked to being tired and not wanting to sleep.

In the end I had to take her out in the buggy and let her sleep while I was out. It was very difficult to get her to sleep at my house.

Someitmes cm experience the back fire of a child being tired and letting it all out at the cm house. I had that.

Its especially challenging if you have other children to deal with.

You may have tp take her to the park and let her run around to get her tired. Mum may also be challenged by this also.

How are the other children responding to her behaviour?

MUM2BLESS Sat 27-Oct-12 21:32:30

Its not your fault.

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 21:38:19

This is the reason i couldn't be a childminder as id find this situation impossible. I don't think its the childs fault, her parents don't seem to be managing things well and delivering her to you tired and irritable and expecting you just to get on with it is really not fair on her. Do you have other mindees to care for that day?

A thought though - is it that you just can't take to her? if so, do you think that could be the reason why she acts out?

I think either way, its fairer for everyone if you just tell the parents its not working for you sad

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 21:45:01

Just picked up on the fact that she is pushed from pillar to post all week sad It really gets my goat, if you are a working parent, surely consistant childcare should be paramount?? I woman at DDs school is moving counties for a job, she was telling me how she is really worried because she hasn't managed to sort out after school care two days a week and she starts work next week hmm Surely that would be the first thing on the list that gets organised, not an after thought???? I would hate to find myself in a situation that i could take the only available childcare because id left it to the last minute. Its madness and the child must suffer for it. It was the first thing i organised when i was working and i am now actively seeking work again and i have already consulted the afterschool club to ensure there are provisional places should i need them.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 27-Oct-12 21:47:21

Poor little thing is moved around from pillar to post all week sad Do some parents not think? She would be much better off with another day at one of the other places so there aren't so many different settings for her - or more days with you, you aren't the problem, the set up is. I would talk to the parents and explain the situation and try to get them to give her another day at one of the existing settings rather than look for a new childminder.

Don't feel bad - you are doing what's best for both of you.

Welovecouscous Sat 27-Oct-12 21:52:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 27-Oct-12 22:21:48

Welovecouscous - I'm sorry you have been hurt by what your nanny has said, but TBH you really need to get a grip, not everyone is going to adore your DS like you do. He will have teachers that don't 'get him' or aren't totally taken by him, there will be other kids at school who don't like him - it's life... surely there are people you don't 'get' or 'like' too much?

I agree that 'allIwant' doesn't have to bang on about not bonding with this little girl, but I think it needs pointing out to the parents that there are too many settings each week for this little girl and that it's unsettling for her and is not conducive to good bonding - anything less would be doing a diservice to this little girl and frankly she's more important than the parents feelings.

Welovecouscous Sat 27-Oct-12 22:34:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DozeyRose Sat 27-Oct-12 23:20:56

Hi - I'd definitely say that it is SO hard to establish a routine or a solid bond with one day a week, even if it is over a long period of time. I've had a similar problem in the past, but once mindee was contracted for more days with me (3 in total), she was a different child. There was routine and familiarity. One days in general don't work. Obviously for some it does, but I'd say that's pretty rare.

minderjinx Sun 28-Oct-12 08:32:50

It must be very hard to form a mutual attachment with a child whose behavior is constantly challenging, even if there are understandable reasons for that behavior which are nothing to do with the Childminder.

I think I would just say that you think the child needs a more consistent routine - I'm sure you would not dream of suggesting you are not fond of the child! If you have more days available and think that would help, you could offer that as an option. But if you are not sure, it might be best to suggest she has more time at either the nursery or the grandparents. That would in my view be putting the child's interests first, and absolutely the kind and responsible thing to do.

Welovecouscous Sun 28-Oct-12 09:27:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 28-Oct-12 11:32:20

Thanks so much to everyone for the extra input.

I would never dream of telling the parents that I had not form an attachment to the little girl. That would be awful. The mum had originally tried to get her DD into an extra day at nursery but they did not have space that day so she searched for a CM instead.

If circumstances have changed at the nursery, it would probably be best for him to have the extra day there.

Yes, I do have other children on that day. Currently a 14 month old boy and from the beginning of November I will also have a 10 month old baby. It is going to be very difficult, I reckon. I will see how the next two weeks pan out and then will consider giving them notice.

Startailoforangeandgold Sun 28-Oct-12 11:48:38

My older DD officially went to bed at 8-8.30 at 3, but she'd be absolutely fine going to bed at 10.

You have to forget any thoughts of what happens in the rest of this mindees life and make it perfectly clear that when she is with you she behaves.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 28-Oct-12 14:11:30

Startailoforangeandgold, she runs off at every opportunity, throws things if she is not getting her own way, wails and screams if someone takes something from her, cries about EVERYTHING and has started pushing over the 1 yr old I have.

Argh!!!! time to move on, I think.

JustFabulous Sun 28-Oct-12 14:22:50

IME childcare that is only in use 1-2 days a week takes a long time for the child to settle. My suggestion would be to suggest to the mum you take the child full time as a short term measure so that she can get used to the house, the CM, the place to sleep and get into a routine. Once she has settled down and you have bonded with each other you can lose a day each 2-3 weeks until it is back to the one day. I think she is going to struggl on one day tbh.

Mintyy Sun 28-Oct-12 14:33:22

Is it really that unusual for a 3 year old not to nap during the day??

My dd gave up her daytime nap well before she was 3 and ds gave his up at just turned 2!

I would have thought a 3 year old would be fine on 10 or 11 hours sleep at night.

JustFabulous Sun 28-Oct-12 14:46:02

My eldest still napped sometimes at age 4! All are different. I think a good bed time routine would help this child as bed at 10pm is not working for her as she isn't coping in the day on that amount of sleep.

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