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How can I support my CM with 20 month old DS?

(6 Posts)
Bet01 Fri 19-Oct-12 08:43:56

DS is with his CM from 8-6, 5 days a week. He started 2 months ago and was a massive change for him as I've looked after him full time before then, while his dad was at work. We all thought it would be tough for him, and were very surprised at the speed with which he settled in. After week 2, no crying when we left him although CM said he did still get a bit upset at intervals during the day. She didn't seem fazed by it and told us he'd settle in time.
I did warn her that DS can be very high maintenance: it's just his temperament. He's never slept through, needs constant amusement, needed to be constantly held when he was little, hated pram, car seat, etc. and I think it's now actually sinking in to her that this is true and I wasn't exaggerating!
She was upset last night when I collected DS, saying she felt like she couldn't make him happy and didn't know what else to do. She said she can't leave the room for a second without him crying (he does that with me too). I think that's what she finds hardest.
So my question is, how can we work together to stop DS getting upset about being left, even for 2 secs? I'm just dreading her saying she can't look after him. He is actually happy there (well, ds's version of happy!) When she spoke to her support worker she just said you should be glad he's become attached!

Karoleann Fri 19-Oct-12 12:04:42

Does she have any other children to look after? My DS1 was quite difficult, but he was okay being left if there were other children to entertain(distract) him.
Would you mind if she put In the night garden on for a few minutes?
Maybe she was sort of asking your permission to ignore him when he cries when she goes out of the room?
Otherwise maybe he'd just be beter with a nanny or maybe you could split the childcare with a nursery, so its not so full on with the childmindrer for a full week.
Incidentally, DS1 is now lovely, although it wasn't til about 3.5 that he started becoming lovely.

wednesdaygirl Fri 19-Oct-12 12:25:08

I would start leaving the room (both of you) for a few seconds to start with and then go back into room but just sit down away from baby and play with a toy
After a week stay out for a minute etc etc

Dont rush back into room and pick baby up as this is rewarding bad behaviour

Bet01 Fri 19-Oct-12 14:07:43

Thanks. She does have her own 2 yo DS to look after too, and she does after school care for a 5 yo girl twice a week. I think in a way she was asking my permission to let him cry if nothing in particular is wrong but he's just in a whiny mood. I told her I'm happy with this. It was easier for me with just one DS but lord knows how she manages with the both of them!
I think it's actually good for him to be in this environment where it's not just about him. So ideally she'll take my reassurance and just crack on with it.
In a funny kind of way I'm happy she's agreeing that he's a tricky customer because as he's my only child I sometimes wondered if it was me!

blondefriend Sat 20-Oct-12 21:08:35

My ds was a nightmare from about 12-21 months. I couldn't move more than 1 meter away without him screaming blue murder and spent many hours sleeping/dozing on his bedroom floor holding his hand through the cot bars. I can't offer any advice but suddenly he just became happier. He still hates me to leave the room for more than 5 minutes but he will often just poke his head round the door to check I'm still there etc. He is now 25 months and is generally much more secure with both me and his CM. Hopefully it's just a phase and he will settle down.

Just one question was your son poorly as a baby? My ds was very ill (hospital-bound for 3.5 months) and then had severe reflux until over 1. I have always associated his clinginess with the pain he went through as a baby and think it can make them slightly less secure about the world. Now that ds has been pain free for about 6 months we are seeing a new little boy.

ZuleikaD Sun 21-Oct-12 07:10:02

I have a mindee that yells the place down (not with distress, with fury!) if I leave the room for a second. I either put her in the sling (though I appreciate this is trickier with a 20m old) or she just has to yell for a couple of minutes. There are times when I simply have to leave her. She has a dummy though, for naptime, and that helps sometimes.

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