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Child Special needs mothers never told me

(38 Posts)
Justanameok5454 Wed 19-Sep-12 20:27:44

Hi just started a new job in August., looking after four children twins girls aged 4 and boy 8 & 9 years. All fine but oldest boy seems to have some kind of special needs. He is on a gifted programme at school, but he has these melt downs where he lashes out and his brothers and today his sisters too. He also is very controlling telling me what to do all the time. anyway one of the other mums at his school today mentioned his autism. I was shocked mother never mentioned this. To be honest am thinking of leaving. But just moved to the area and everything and made lots of friends. But am annoyed mother knew this and never told me. She says he can be difficult but never mentioned autism. I would like to know how to help him. But his tempers can be very frightening.

cansu Wed 19-Sep-12 20:29:51

I think you need to sit down and ask her straight about this. She absolutely should have told you. She has been unfair to you and to her child as she should have made sure you knew how to help him and how to manage his behaviour.

lisad123 Wed 19-Sep-12 20:30:57

Would you have taken the job of you knew?

Justanameok5454 Wed 19-Sep-12 20:34:41

Not sure if I would have taken the job. I don't know much about Aspergers , will read up. I need to know how to deal with him. Also yes I will speak to her. Am feeling confused at moment , can't believe she didn't tell me this.

colditz Wed 19-Sep-12 20:36:32

I think she has been very unfair to.both you and him. How could you be.expected his needs when you weren't told about them?

Justanameok5454 Wed 19-Sep-12 20:40:18

Hi Colditz , yes agree, I feel bad now telling him off , if he can't control his behaviour, and angry with the mother. But can't understand why she would have done this. The other mother at school seem to give the impression it was common knowledge.

Iwillorderthefood Wed 19-Sep-12 20:45:52

Maybe she is in denial and thinks being labelled autistic would not be positive for him. I know someone like this.

LucyLastik Wed 19-Sep-12 20:47:59

It might be common assumptions rather than actual fact. Other parents may well have put his behaviour down to having some kind of SEN but it may be that his behaviour needs dealing with. I would chat to the child's mother and see what she says and I would also try not to be too angry until I knew the facts. It could just be gossip among these other parents.

LynetteScavo Wed 19-Sep-12 20:48:41

Are you thinking of leaving because of the child's challenging behavior, or because a mum on the playground mentioned he has autism and don't feel you are equipped to deal with it?

I'm not going to second guess why the mother chose not to mention her DSs autism, or even his tantrums. But I think you should feel honoured she considered you capable of caring for him.

And if I was looking for a nanny, I would be impressed to read the CV of someone who had cared for twins and an autistic child at the same

Justanameok5454 Wed 19-Sep-12 20:48:55

Iwill without telling me too much can you tell me about your friend in denial. Because am wondering if this mother is too. She seems so caring and open. I understand labels are not always positive but seems this boy is not getting help he needs.

RaisinDEtre Wed 19-Sep-12 20:50:20

you need to tread v carefully

the on dit in the schoolyard might be the child is autistic but this might not necessarily be the case; a hot headed or quirky child can be 'labelled' by others without foundation

by all means discuss your concerns, ones that you have observed, like the lashing out, or being controlling (which could well be interpreted as sibling rivalry or being bossy/assertive if you see what I mean)

Justanameok5454 Wed 19-Sep-12 20:50:46

Thinking of leaving because of his behaviour, it is every day and makes the job very unpleasant, that sound very uncaring, and I'm not. But don't seem to be winning with this young man.

RaisinDEtre Wed 19-Sep-12 20:51:07

or what Lucy said (stupid fat slow sausage fingers)

LynetteScavo Wed 19-Sep-12 20:51:20

Of course, we don't know if this child actually has a diagnosis, in which case of course the mother hasn't mentioned autism.

I think she should have mentioned the tantrums, though. (Having said this, I play down DSs challenging behavior to people, hoping it won't happen too much when they are around. hmm)

nannynick Wed 19-Sep-12 20:52:06

Tony Attwood has written a good book about Aspergers Syndrome. Borrow/get the Parents guide version as the big book he has also written is probably too much for your needs right now.

The parents may be members of their local NAS (National Autistic Society) branch and they may have a lending library.

Yes I feel they should of told you and given you information about it, strateges they use to cope with meltdowns, known triggers. Consistency and routines can help.

Justanameok5454 Wed 19-Sep-12 20:52:16

Thanks for all your advice, definately will tread carefully, as yes playground gossip could be wrong.

RaisinDEtre Wed 19-Sep-12 20:53:39

good luck

Justanameok5454 Wed 19-Sep-12 20:53:39

And will get that book.

Justanameok5454 Wed 19-Sep-12 20:55:26

Signing off now, thanks everyone

Marne Wed 19-Sep-12 20:59:15

The parent/s should have told you but i d think you are bieng a little harsh. Read up on Aspergers/Autism.

ChildrenAtHeart Thu 20-Sep-12 09:06:43

My 12 yo ds has been experiencing extreme behavioural issues including excessive anxiety & anger since starting secondary school. School think he may have mild Aspergers & his is undergoing counselling & assessment but he has no actual diagnosis. It may be that your charge might be in a similar position of having suspected but not diagnosed autism.
Either way it would have been helpful if the parent had discussed this with you not so you could refuse the job but so you understood how best to meet her sons particular needs and deal with any outbursts appropriately (or indeed recognise triggers & head them off before they start). Definitely read up as there are many strategies you can use to help prevent meltdowns & deal with the ones you can't prevent. Don't give up on him though and talk to Mum

Italiana Thu 20-Sep-12 09:10:38

This poor child has been labelled so many times, autistic or Asperger, ..speak to mum for clarification and then contact your Early Years team for support and training...don't second guess

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 20-Sep-12 10:43:29

You need to speak to the mum and find out the facts - she could be in denial or simply the boy is being difficult or that he does have problems / special needs but no one has assessed him or picked it up

I'm Temping for a little boy at the moment and the dad thinks he had severe sn - I think possibly mild autism or aspergers from his behaviour - the mum thinks he's ok - and at the moment is being assessed

Justanameok5454 Sat 22-Sep-12 20:07:46

Hi just an update.
Had a long chat with mum today. Was able to meet her when children out.
The little boy has been seen by an educational psychologist and Aspergers was mentioned. But mum and dad don't like labels. We discussed ways of coping with his temper. Also I pointed out his brother seem to be suffering when he is attacked for no reason. Am going to see how it goes. But must admit I have contacted my agency, and may look for another job in month or two if no improvement. Family are going to Australia for a month at Christmas, so may be ideal time to leave or not.

cansu Sat 22-Sep-12 22:25:12

tbh if you are already looking for a new job I think you should be upfront about it. If this child does have sn such as autism then consistency and routine is really important. As a parent I would be quite irritated if I had just got my child settled only for nanny to leave as he or she had sn.

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