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My 15 month old still cries when nanny comes in the morning - is this normal?

(41 Posts)
oliviar Mon 19-Sep-11 17:17:36

We hired a nanny a little over 2 months ago, 2 weeks of which we were away (without nanny), to look after our 15 month old boy every day (all day). He still cries/balks when she walks through the door every morning and I'm wondering whether others with more knowledge/experience can advise whether this is normal? (This is my first child/nanny.)

I guess I thought that by this point he would be very comfortable with her and happy to see her in the morning. He is a pretty easy-going kid and while a little shy with people at first he warms up pretty quickly. Generally by the time I leave half an hour later after the nanny arrives he is fine and playing with her, and according to her he is happy during the day, but the initial reaction is concerning - for example, the other day he practically jumped out of his highchair reaching out for me (crying) when he saw her come through the door.

We have a nanny cam so are pretty confident there is nothing seriously wrong but still it seems very strange to me. Further info: husband and I have pretty much decided we want to let her go, for this and other reasons, so not looking for advice on that front, but rather just wondering whether this is 'normal'.

nannynick Mon 19-Sep-11 17:47:51

It is hard to say if it is normal or not as every child is different. The 2 week gap probably hasn't helped the bonding process as he got a period of time when nanny was there, then you took nannies place for two weeks, now he's back with nanny again. Maybe he's still a bit confused as to who is looking after him, when.

Her arrival indicates to him that you are leaving... thus the reaction he gives you. It isn't ideal, the children I care for don't do it - but I've been there 3 years now - baby knows no different.

You are brave to mention having a nanny cam on here - will be interesting seeing what comments you get about that. Does your nanny know about the camera?

If you feel it isn't working out due to other reasons, then adding in your sons reaction to her arrival is another factor you are going to consider.

What will you do next? Is having a nanny really something you can cope with given that you felt the need to install a camera?

Jeezimacasalinga Mon 19-Sep-11 17:58:54

It's normal - my kids love our nanny but when she arrives the youngest (2.7) dives for me automatically. As nannynick says, it's a reaction to you leaving, not the nanny arriving. And nanny cam - seriously?!

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 19-Sep-11 18:15:44

its normal for some children, others like my 3 come running to door/give me cuddles etc and wave happily to mb as she goes off - but they have always done that

does your ds cry when you leave the house

having 30mins handover can be a bit much and maybe worth you leaving pretty much as nanny arrives so not to confuse him

if you have a nanny cam seems to me you dont trust your nanny and maybe you would be better off using a nursery

what other reasons are you letting her go - ie why else are you unhappy?

looneytune Mon 19-Sep-11 18:17:36

Agree it's normal and they are associating nanny arriving as you leaving. I'm a childminder and I had a mindee for over a year who loved being here and had a great time but would scream when dropped off as knew this meant mummy was leaving (family situation was hard which probably made it harder). Luckily she talked about how much she loved coming here (had aged 2-3) and sang songs about me at home so that along with lovely photos from me reassured mum that all was fine, it was just they didn't want to ever leave mummy. Now said child has moved to nursery as they are 3 and mum said she's now kicking off their screaming for me LOL. So yes, totally normal.

Must admit, I also agree you're brave mentioning the cam!

looneytune Mon 19-Sep-11 18:20:05

'there' not 'their!! doh

SanctiMoanyArse Mon 19-Sep-11 18:22:42

It can be notrmal I agree; ds4 has a lovely CM, whom I used for anohter child and really like- and yet two yeras plus on from starting he still cried or gets upset on hand over.

he just doesn;t like that transition time; if she goes away he wants to know where she is and when he is going back.

oliviar Mon 19-Sep-11 19:13:18

Thanks all very much for the responses. It's reassuring to know that that sort of reaction and the child actually being happy are compatible!

Re the cam - my husband installed it without consulting me! - because we came home one day, checked the history on the computer and saw she'd been checking email etc. almost all day. We of course were very upset and that was his immediate response; in addition we gave her more detailed guidance about what we expected her to do during the day, etc. So yes, having the cam points to a bigger trust issue - that incident broke the trust and even with all the guidance & training we've give her since we're still not happy with her (though she is sweet and has a nice manner which is why we don't feel the need to act urgently).

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 19-Sep-11 19:54:23

i use mb lappy, but she knows and gave me her password - and yes i would pop on and check email/or use my iphone so if thats the only thing thats making you get rid of her

a nanny cam without nannies permission is illegal and guess she could sue you if she found out and you dismiss her

looneytune Mon 19-Sep-11 20:01:31

Was just about to say what Blondes said, I can understand however IS illegal to do that so please get rid of it ASAP or you could be in big trouble if she finds out.

Gigondas Mon 19-Sep-11 20:14:05

Cross posts with looney and blondes on nanny cam.

And my nanny has access to my iPad for use when on a bream, add to shop and research stuff for dd. My view is that a certain amount of limited use is fine (as is checking phone ). Did you discuss this before? ESP if she is young it may be that her expectation on use and yours are different.

Re the upset that age (dd was at worse at this point) and protracted handover does make it worse (dd will kick off more even more if I am around longer than a few minutes as she is confused about routine).

If you do get rid of this nanny on what grounds? Have you given he warning or is it in her probationary period. Also do you feel confident that culd find and establish relationship with new nanny that wont make same mistake (the nanny cam doesn't speak of a whole lot of trust- why didn't you talk to nanny)

oliviar Mon 19-Sep-11 21:10:08

Thanks all for the input and considerations

ytseb Mon 19-Sep-11 21:37:12

It is against the law to invade someones privacy...... Ive worked in nurseries and nannying, alot of children cry when dropped off or nanny arrives it's normal. I looked after a child that never cried when the parents left as I was there from birth, yet the youngest one I look after now will cry because it can be afternoon when I start work and been with mum all morning. Doesn't do it when I start early. A lot of parents on here should think about communication skills rather than keep posting about there nanny's, it's all rather sad.....

Janiston Mon 19-Sep-11 21:45:16

Please act on your gut instinct - and do it sooner rather than later. I ignored the fact my son was crying every time I handed him over to our old nanny as I went along with all the "stuff" written here about getting used to someone new, it's just handover etc...etc.... With the new nanny who is simply wonderful he jumps out of my arms and into hers. You know your child - don't let anyone tell you differently. And equally I could care less about people moaning about nanny cams - my god, it's your child - nothing is more important.

nbee84 Mon 19-Sep-11 22:01:45

"And equally I could care less about people moaning about nanny cams - my god, it's your child - nothing is more important."

It is illegal to have a nanny cam without informing the nanny that you have one.

ytseb Mon 19-Sep-11 22:01:50

I just want to add like the other lady yes you should add on your gut instinct, but I want people to realise that there are some very good nannies out there, and I wouldn't want someone to put a cam on me. Nannies should be communicated with straight away if you think there is a problem, instead of discussing with everyone else. I'm going to get on with being a professional nanny and stop looking on here.

Janiston Mon 19-Sep-11 22:06:20

Whoops, still don't care. It's a unique situation, doing a job, with literally no one else around you 90% of the time. If all is well, then a nanny cam would show nothing but professional nannies being professional nannies........

ytseb Mon 19-Sep-11 22:15:00

I suggest you give up your jobs and look after your own children

Janiston Mon 19-Sep-11 22:29:16

I assume you mean job not jobs. Your reaction makes me shiver - scary that someone with your temperament looks after children. And it is legal to have recording devices in one's own home apart from areas such as bathrooms where people would have an expectation of privacy.

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 19-Sep-11 23:51:08

janiston how would you feel if your boss secretly set up a camera above your desk in the office etc and recorded your every move/phone call etc

would you like it?

the fact oliviar or her dh has a camera would mean they dont trust her and they installed one illegally and didnt TALK to their nanny

if you dont trust your nanny there is NEVER gonna be a working healthy relationship

A1980 Mon 19-Sep-11 23:54:59

It's difficult. I used to babysit the same children for a long time when I was a late teen and early 20 something.

The eldest (a boy) would be delighted to see me. The youngest (a girl) also loved to see me and play with me and I used to sit next to her bed until she fell asleep, she wouldn't let me go. But when I turned up, she would hide behind her parents and would often cry and tell them she didn't want them to go out. She was about 4 when she stopped doing this. She remembered donig it and when she was 6 we had a giggle about it. I told her I was so embarassed by it as her parents must think I was really mean to her. She said it was because she was shy. She was fine once I had been there for twenty mins or so but I think she was literally just shy.

Your DS might just be sad because he knows you're going out.

ChippingIn Tue 20-Sep-11 00:17:51

Janiston it is illegal to film someone in a work place without them knowing the camera is there. If you have a nanny your home is her work place. It is a horrible thing to do to someone and would serve anyone right to have a nanny walk out on them that day if they found it.

nannynick Tue 20-Sep-11 06:47:34

In most work places these days there are cameras. They are in the most part not hidden. So employees are aware that they are likely to be filmed/sound recorded.

Trust your instincts but do take account that a child who wants their parent to stay with them will play up when they realise you are going to leave them. Thus, leave, sit in the car a couple of mins and come back again to pickup something you've forgotten (so you can see if your child is still upset, or not).

Trust is important, sounds like there is a breakdown in trust so for everyone concerned it is probably best to move on.

Janiston Tue 20-Sep-11 07:42:38

The nanny cam is a side issue here ( and one can bold illegal all one likes - it still isn't true - zero laws prohibiting this in the UK ) , and most work environments are either filmed or open plan and do not include vulnerable human beings who can't speak - the issue is the op's child crying when He is being handed to nanny. My view is if it happens every single time, there is something wrong - every now and then is normal.

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 20-Sep-11 13:57:36

At 15mths he has been used to his mum and suddenly a stranger is introduced to him so yes he may cry when you leave but bet if you returned or rang a few mins later that ds isn't crying

You say he settles and plays with the nanny so he must be ok - or else he would scream non stop

When you arrive home in the evening is ds crying or happy doing something with nanny

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