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urgent help needed my son refuses to go to childminder

(30 Posts)
slavetomyson Fri 29-Jul-11 13:05:27

I'm in a real dilemma, my son is refusing to go into the childminder's house this week, he went in on tuesday for an hour but was crying so much I had to pick him up. so we agreed to try again this morning, and he refused and screamed and wouldn't even get out of the car. I couldn't just drag him in as other parents were dropping their children off and it was pretty much a full house with little ones and I felt too guilty about putting childminder in a difficult position. Myself and childminder can't think of a reason why he's suddenly refusing and getting upset. It's a difficult situation because I know he's just trying to get his own way, but it puts the childminder in a difficult situation because she doesn't want to see him upset, or have him upsetting the other children in her care. Switching childminders is not an option at the moment. I need her help on tuesday so i can go to work, but if he creates and screams so much on tuesday morning she won't want to have him there (understandably) and then i'll be in huge trouble with work if I can't go in. Need advice from mums in the same position or childminders also. My child is 4 and a half and his behaviour in the school holidays so far has been appalling. I really don't know what to do.

smupcakes Fri 29-Jul-11 13:13:32

As a short term measure - if you really need him to go I'd offer him an incentive. "After CM's today we will go out for ice cream"...

slavetomyson Fri 29-Jul-11 13:18:23

I've offered him incentives and he just doesn't care! today I told him if he doesn't go in he would have to come home and stay in his room, which he has done all morning. He doesn't understand how important it is being 4 and all, thanks for your reply but I don't think it will work

triskaidekaphile Fri 29-Jul-11 13:22:54

Agree with bribery in the shorter term if it might work! Is there any affordable toy he really really wants that you could agree to buy him if he behaves for a few days on the trot incl @ the cm's? Otherwise any chance that a grandparent or trusted relative could step in on tues? Do you have a partner who could book a day off?

triskaidekaphile Fri 29-Jul-11 13:24:55

Are there any playschemes locally that he'd prefer?

triskaidekaphile Fri 29-Jul-11 13:26:09

What does he say when you ask him why he doesn't want to go?

bran Fri 29-Jul-11 13:35:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slavetomyson Fri 29-Jul-11 13:39:22

I'm a single parent who works as a paramedic. Ex is very unhelpful and doesn't even care. Grandparents live in Worcester and North Wales and i'm in shropshire. He needs to go on tuesday from 0630 til 1930 so I can do a 7-7 day shift. It's just too risky to drop him off that morning and him kick off as I won't have any other childcare arranged. I don't know why he doesn't want to go but he has mentioned that he doesn't like one of the children there even though he played really happily with her last week. I don't think the incentive thing is going to work, once he's made up his mind that's it. I've bribed him in the past and he just doesn't care if he doesn't get the treat etc

slavetomyson Fri 29-Jul-11 13:41:20

The problem is, if it is a problem with the other child, it is one of the childminders children so i can't expect her to keep them apart, thanks all for your replies I just can't see a solution to this..

JiltedJohnsJulie Fri 29-Jul-11 13:42:12

Will either of the GPs come over to look after him or can he go there? Know its a its a way but it may help you out.

slavetomyson Fri 29-Jul-11 13:57:24

Well I guess I could take him to GP in worcester but i'd have to take him on the monday and he's going to be there all weekend already so I feel i'm really putting on them. plus i've got the issue that if I don't sort out what's going on my son will think that he can get away with anything he wants and then i'll have the problem in the future. I rely on a local childminder so I can keep working

didldidi Fri 29-Jul-11 14:01:20

06.30-19.30? I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go! he's probably just cottoned on what a bloody long day that is!

BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 29-Jul-11 14:03:58

I am wondering if the mix of children might be different, being the hols

Could you do an earlier drop-off, to avoid the problem of other parents/children arriving simultaneously

(I appreciate that you do an early drop already)

slavetomyson Fri 29-Jul-11 14:04:14

Yes i'm aware that it's a long day, but I only work part time and he has to do this on average of twice per month if that. I figured it was worth it to keep my job which i'm trained to do, rather than giving it all up and going on benefits and losing the house i'm in. The other times childminder has him are just go give me some respite, so the plan was that he was going one day per week 9-5 when i'm not working.

slavetomyson Fri 29-Jul-11 14:05:24

He's refused to go in the holidays so far so I don't even know what the mix of children is. He went last week on tuesday 9-5 and was absoloutely fine. I just don't understand it

BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 29-Jul-11 14:06:10

One of my preschoolers had a shock this week because they are not Top Dog because* the after schoolie, being older, is here* *

* too many becauses, sorry

* *not today, I don't work Fridays

BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 29-Jul-11 14:07:29

oh right, sorry, x posts

okay, I'll have a think and come back

NB no criticism here about long days

2cats2many Fri 29-Jul-11 14:12:44

If you really think that there is no other serious reason why he is behaving like this and feel that in your heart of hearts that your childminder is a good one, and if there are no alternatives, then surely you just have to put your foot down and tell him that he is going . If that means leaving him in floods of tears, then that is heartbreaking for you, but seriously, what is the alternative?

What do you think the CM would say if you called half an hour after dropping him off? That he had settled quickly and was playing happily with the other children, or that he was still screaming his head off?

My 4 YO DD frequntly clings to me and cries at drop off time at nursery and within 2 minutes is happily eating breakfast or helping the staff to put some toys out, etc. I know, because I've lingered to find out.

BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 29-Jul-11 14:15:53

yy 3cats

awful for the parent, but I think the kindest thing is the drop-and-run when the child is distressed with no obv explanation

eurochick Fri 29-Jul-11 14:16:06

Would it be less stressful for all concerned to take him to the childminder for a few hours on Monday for a "trial run". Maybe stay there a while in another room or something to try to figure out what is going on?

slavetomyson Fri 29-Jul-11 15:03:52

Yes eurochick, that is what i've arranged to do. I'm going round on Monday with my son, will stay with him and the other child which may be scaring him will be there, with no others who could possibly get upset. Don't know what else to do, hopefully we will find a solution. Thanks for all your replies

jendot Fri 29-Jul-11 15:14:49

I think your username says it all!

Im sorry if I am harsh...BUT

Kids always try to assert their will over their parents and it is YOU that has the problem not your son. Its not HIM that won't go to the cms its YOU that is allowing him not to go......Im sorry but at 4 you should decide where and when he is going and take him.
Providing you are confident that your cm is a good one, your ds has no health issues / special needs etc By 4 he has enough understanding to be able to say to him. This morning you are going to cms house as mummy has to go to work. You will do x and x with cm and then after tea I will pick you up. The first few days you may have to drag him in screaming, physically hand him to cm, big smile, quick kiss, ds "mummy is going to work, see you later" turn, walk out, NOT A BACKWARD GLANCE (then you can go and have a sob in the car). I KNOW how hard this a mum and as a cm but the more you fuss, faff and hang around the more upsetting it will be for ds...the worse for you, the worse for cm and the longer it will go on for. You may need to change the drop off times for a bit if you don't want to see all the other parents while ds is screaming!

I would get the cm to text you a picture once he has calmed down.

If you need this arrangement to work them Im afraid you are going to have to be tough mummy!

slavetomyson Fri 29-Jul-11 15:25:53

Yes thanks jendot but i'm no pushover. My username was meant to be ironic. I've had many times when i've dropped him off and previous childminders and preschool and have coped. But at the end of the day my son is autistic and I have to consider his needs and fears too. I have a good relationship with my childminder and trust her implicitly, but at the end of the day I can't leave him screaming for hours, fearful in someone elses house!!! even if I don't know the reason why

slavetomyson Fri 29-Jul-11 15:48:23

obviously I should've mentioned this before, but didn't think it would make any difference as he is a higher functioning autistic child with language, who educational psychologists deem capable of going to a mainstream school (at the moment) so I didn't think it would make much difference in the replies I got. Thank you all for your replies anyway

Isla77 Fri 29-Jul-11 18:06:00

So sorry you are having such a difficult time. As your son has Autism could you make him a picture timetable showing him how long he will be there and the sequence of the day - go to CM's; playtime, lunch etc. and Go Home at the end. This way he can remove the pictures as the day goes on and knows when you are coming. I have used these timetables with ASD children I have taught and often the higher functioning children needed it more than the others as they had fixed ideas about what they wanted to do. Just a thought. You can find appropriate pictures at
Hope thi helps. Good luck

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