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Iz it because....

(13 Posts)
GailPro Tue 14-Jun-11 09:29:46

Ok, am I being sensitive here? Posted a pic of DC on APW next to profile, and pic of family visible only if you click on childrens' pic. Got a very enthusiastic response froma German AP and we emailed back and forth and then spoke on the phone.

We were all happy and delighted with each other and she agreed to come to start in a week. Perfect.

My husband is white british and I'm afro caribbean (with some caucasion up the line). My first son has beautiful dark curly hair and big brown eyes and a permatan, and my second has fair hair and big blue eyes.

I suggested to DH that we email a pic of us two to her in case she had not seen the family pic. He said I was being ridiculous but finally capitulated.

As soon as the AP got the pic, she emailed and said she can't come anymore as she found a family who would be much better for her as they speak German (bearing in mind she's coming to improve her english).

Anyway, I emailed her to say thanks for letting us know and that we wish her all the best with her new family.

So back to looking on APW and she's still logging in several times a day!!

Now, is it me, or 'iz it because I is black'????

StillSquiffy Tue 14-Jun-11 09:56:54

It iz. But better have the racist numpty go somewhere else than have had her turn up on your doorstep expecting a whiteout.

Bet she was a Bavarian from Munich <'coz I can do bigotry, too' emoticon>

GailPro Tue 14-Jun-11 10:10:19

Yeah, it scares me how close we came to exposing our beautiful, innocent boys to that kind of mentality! So, needless to say, the family picture is the one that is now next to the profile.

I've also registered with an agency as I feel really worn out by the whole process.

StillSquiffy Tue 14-Jun-11 10:16:20

Why not go for a male AP? Search out for my threads (ad infinitum) about the wonders of male APs - so much easier to find really good ones and they're usually easy going, chilled, etc. IME if you try to find the ideal female AP you will be in a fighting match with 30 other families for every good one. I used to have female APs but now only recruit the guys (the kids love it too - lots of footie, swimming, and trampolining) - so much less stressful to find them on APW and the like.

andagain Tue 14-Jun-11 11:35:39

I agree with Squiffy re not having a racist prat looking after your children.

This kind of thing is really important to us so I have always put it in our profile on APW that it is very important to us to have someone who share our values which above all is no discrimination of any sort, and the moment we start exchanging emails with potential candidates I reiterate that any whiff of racism, homophobia, xenophobia and similar ghastly things are not to be entertained in any shape or form. It may seem over the top but those things really matter to us and I do not want to risk anyone harbouring those opinions coming anywhere near my child.

I am sorry that you have had to go to an agency as the process was so difficult. It is a long and draining process but for what it's worth we have found fabulous au pairs on APW (mind you, we have only now appointed our second one) who are both a perfect match for us.

Another thing I'd say, if you possibly can, get them over for a weekend for a test run kind of thing, worth every penny!

Good luck.

GailPro Tue 14-Jun-11 11:57:01

Wow, andagain, what a great idea (the weekend trial)! I still am trying APW, but the 'fallaway' rate is so high!

Agency just sent me a file of a AP who says she is unwilling to be placed with a family who are not of British origin!! Ah well...I might as well do it myself!! Arrrggggh!

MLWfirsttimemum Tue 14-Jun-11 13:02:24

GailPro, don't you think the AP means that she wants to be placed with a family whose 'first language' is English (which would be fair enough, if they are here to learn the language)?

GailPro Tue 14-Jun-11 13:16:14

yes, not impossible, it may all be a giant coincidence that she found this other family within minutes of receiving the photo. I suppose these things happen.

...and I suppose that other placement fell through immediately, hence why she is still logging into APW several times a day.

I suppose these things happen.....not often, but I suppose they do. Can't say I'm convinced though!

MLWfirsttimemum Tue 14-Jun-11 13:20:43

Sorry, didn't mean the German AP (because I agree with you there, and think you are better off without her), I meant the AP who was referred by the Agency?

GailPro Tue 14-Jun-11 13:29:25

Ah, yes, you are absolutely right (sorry about the micro-rant)!! That us exactly what was meant, so I agreed and she is looking at my file as we speak. I guess the open wound from the German girl is clouding my judgement.

I however asked them to make sure and enquire specifically of her is she would be happy to be placed with a mixed race family.

This is really difficult, as I have never really pigeon-holed people (including myself) into groups (race etc.) I have never even referred to my family as a 'mixed race family'. We have friends of all races and don't even think about it, people are just people. I guess that's what happens when you open your doors to the big world, you have to deal with issues which are total non-issues in your own household.

catepilarr Tue 14-Jun-11 13:54:19

i think part of the issue might be the fact that in britain, and especially in places like london, there is loads of people from all around the world, different nationalities and races. the british are used to that and think nothing of it. some of the potential aupairs could come from a place where she might have never met a black guy or a muslim woman, let alone have them living in their area. naturally people are a bit afraid of things and situations they are not familiar with.

also some aps might prefer to be placed with a family of british origin, simply because they want to experience britain and the british culture at its finest (cant think of better wording). they might not have anything against other nationalities per se. aupairing still should be a cultural exchange i feel and if it is the culture she is after, i think it is understandable.

they might also think that you, or your husband in your case, wont speak english as their mother tongue. the ap might not even think about all this but automatically say no without giving it another thought.

perhaps it could help to clear some potential worries of the ap applicants if you stated in your profile (unless you already do, obviously) that you have been both raised in england (if you were) and speak british english, despite having a family backround elsewhere. or something along those lines.

GailPro Thu 16-Jun-11 21:33:59

Good news! I got an AP! Was very clear of my family's makeup, (and sent loads of pics) and she laughed and said of course it's not a problem. We're very excited as she seems very nice.

Wish us luck!!

catepilarr Fri 17-Jun-11 11:18:32

well done! hope all goes well!

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