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Please help - desperate!

(22 Posts)
ellmum Tue 23-Nov-10 20:20:57

As the title says, I'm completely desperate. My 1yr old dd has been going to her childminder for a couple of months. I have no complaints at all about the cm, she is great. But my dd doesn't appear to be getting on very well. She only goes a couple of days a week so I thought it may take a while to settle. My worry is that the cm thinks this isn't normal and that she's tried everything she can to try and settle dd. I feel sick now when I go to collect her because it's always the same - I get told she's had another bad day. I just don't know what to do. cm has suggested I change our routine to match hers. Would that help? DD sleeps a good 2.5 hours a day with cm and eats brilliantly, she just gets stressed out in the afternoons and sometimes in the morning if she's had a bad night. Please help! I will consider ANYTHING!! Thanks in advance.

marriedandlookingforcake Tue 23-Nov-10 20:35:13

If the CM has a suggestion about helping your DD settle I'd let her try it, but what exactly does she mean by changing your routine to match hers?

Oligo Tue 23-Nov-10 20:36:53

That can be a hard age for separation etc. if not had anything like that before, just you for eg. Maybe unusual it has lasted so long without any improvement. Did you do good settling in period? what is her routine with you? what do you mean stressed out- what about? Can you take something of yours or her fav. toy to cms?

ItalianLady Tue 23-Nov-10 20:36:55

Considering sending your dd for more days to get her settled in quicker and then decreasing the days when she is happy, might help.

ellmum Tue 23-Nov-10 20:45:53

By changing our routine she means that with her dd doesn't have a morning nap, but sleeps for a long time after lunch. She then doesn't have a snack before tea. With me she has long sleep in the morning and a shorter one mid afternoon and she has a snack before tea.
Settling in period seemed to be great, cm is lovely, dd clearly does like her v much. I think the problem is two fold - dd is hungry when she wakes up but there's no time for a snack, and also there are a lot more children about in the afternoon and maybe dd is a bit unnerved by this.
CM doesn't have capacity to take dd for more days, unfortunately.

Oligo Tue 23-Nov-10 20:50:39

eating and sleeping well mean stress would be superficial, not kept festering all inside and means she feels secure to let cm/you know about it. I suppose there is cold comfort in that.

ellmum Tue 23-Nov-10 21:04:32

Oligo, more than cold comfort! I actually find that really reassuring. Thank you.

Oligo Tue 23-Nov-10 22:19:43

Probably would be better if everyone had same sleep routine, whatever way round. Most nurseries/playgroups/books/courses etc. seem assume an after lunch nap, though when younger should still be able to accommodate morning nap if necessary. But did you agree to cm's routine for dd?

If used to having long sleep in morning and not given that opportuntity it's understandable she would be groggy and miserable and then might associate feeling like this with being at cms in general e.g. afternoon. Surprised she doesn't just fall asleep. Try no morning nap one day at home and see how she copes.

Or do you think it is something else?

looneytune Tue 23-Nov-10 22:30:31

I'd also try that. Or maybe a 30-45 min nap in the morning and a longer one after lunch? All my own children/mindees (apart from tiny ones who've come to me needing constant naps throughout the day) have had a longer nap after lunch and a shorter one in the morning but a lot of that was because of toddler groups etc. in the mornings but luckily it was pretty much the same as their home routine anyway.

I also second the comment about the eating etc. being a good sign. I did have one who was so desperately anxious about leaving mummy that he just couldn't eat at all. I was pregnant at the time and he only came for part of one day a week (only vacancy I had) and I told mum it would be fairer on the child to find someone who could take him for longer and who would not be going on ML and needing to start again. He was absolutely fine and all over me when his mum was here, he just found that separation so very hard. The fact yours eats and sleeps well is a VERY good sign imo

Good luck

ellmum Tue 23-Nov-10 22:48:32

I will definitely try dropping the long morning nap then. And I feel much more about things knowing that the eating and sleeping shows she's doing ok.
I just want her to be happy with the cm who, as I keep saying!, is just so lovely that if dd was happier then really everything would be perfect. I think my biggest concern is that the cm may decide that dd is more trouble than she's worth and ask us to find someone else. I don't how long she'll persevere with us.

Oligo Tue 23-Nov-10 23:04:14

Just say you value her being honest and welcome her suggestions. It would be worse for cm (i imagine) and you if she was under pressure to tell you dd was doing fine when she wasn't.

cms want mindees and parents want cms- no reason for it not to work if you both want it to and work together.

CarGirl Tue 23-Nov-10 23:10:54

If you are happy to change your routine at home for the CM then tell your CM that so she knows to give it a month or so to improve. Good CM with the right availabilty can be hard to find so def worth trying a change in routine especially as most toddlers to eventually shift to one long post lunch nap anyway.

Does your dd still like milk, if so would a drink of milk on waking help her feel less hungry at the CM?

ellmum Tue 23-Nov-10 23:14:19

I hope you're right! It's so difficult to find someone you trust and we were so lucky to find this cm, and to get dd in with her that I think I'd try practically anything to make it work.
Thanks again for your advice - it has been very useful and encouraging.

ellmum Tue 23-Nov-10 23:17:11

sorry CarGirl, cross posted there. I'll be sure to let cm know that we're going with her suggestion. dd does still have milk, as far as I know she only tends to have some with her lunch though so that is certainly something else to suggest. I thought about maybe giving her a biscuit to eat while she's in the buggy on the school run, but a quick cup of milk may be better.

CarGirl Tue 23-Nov-10 23:18:44

One of my dds was hideous post afternoon nap. I cracked it by waking her, plonking her straight in the pushchair for the school run and giving her bottle/cup of milk before she had the chance to start wailing the place down!

ellmum Tue 23-Nov-10 23:22:40

will definitely suggest that then. I feel a bit
cheeky suggesting stuff to cm because I do think she really knows her stuff, but I suppose we're both working towards the same goal so it can't hurt if I make the odd suggestion.
How old was your dd at this point, by the way?

CarGirl Tue 23-Nov-10 23:29:44

I can't remember it was nightmare from 6.5 weeks - she didn't nap in the day from then at all until she was about 7 months shock (undiagnosed silent reflux) and even once she did start napping it wasn't great. All my other dc were fine!

Why don't you talk to your CM and say that you are going to change her nap routine to hers and you would like to know exactly what her feeding and sleeping routine is for your dd......if when you look at it you think she is hungry when she wakes up at CM you can say that dd isn't used to going to that long without some sort of food so how about you both introduce a milk feed on waking and so how that goes.

Obviously your CM is restrained with school picks up and feeding others so whereas as you can feed her as and when required I think you need to work to a standardised timetable. At the moment your dd may be to upset to have milk at CM - she may have tried in the past?

looneytune Wed 24-Nov-10 22:10:16

Just to add, us childminders should be 'working in partnership with parents' so don't feel bad suggesting stuff - it's to help her too remember

When you say no time for snack, if you mean because they go straight out on the school run then when they get home it's too near dinner, then I agree about the biscuit/snack on school run. I have a nightmare routine with school runs and have to pack snacks for 6 kids and drinks for the 4 little ones (older ones can use the water fountain in the playground) so that they have that in the playground after school otherwise it's too close to dinner time when we get back.

Hope things settle down. Do keep us posted

ellmum Thu 25-Nov-10 13:12:28

Thanks everyone for your advice. It's really reassuring that you all agree that our routines should be the same. I thought our cm would know what she's talking about but it's still good to hear it from others too. Today is the 1st day of the new routine and as I type, dd is fast asleep. No nap this morning, she still had a huge lunch (I thought she may be too tired) and went down with no crying. I am shock we normally have to lie down with her, have a bit of ranting (mainly from her grin)and then she drops off. I normally have to stay next to her for the duration too. But today I've been able to do some jobs, get some lunch...I may even put the telly on soon. I only hope the changes bring similar positivity at the cm house when she's there....

CarGirl Thu 25-Nov-10 18:27:59

I think it will make a huge difference, just give it a couple of weeks.

ellmum Tue 30-Nov-10 22:20:33

well, I'm sad to report that we received written notice that our contract is to be terminated. Feel really disappointed about the whole situation, but maybe it's understandable. I mean, who wants to look after an unhappy baby! Thanks everyone for all the advice and suggestions, if I ever use a cm again I will bear it all in mind!

CarGirl Wed 01-Dec-10 18:12:44

Oh dear, it could in part be habit/association on your dds part. I would keep up the new routine as it will fit better with 90% of childcarer providers.

sad

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