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Nannies- playdates with mums/other nannies etc

(29 Posts)
MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 09-Nov-10 11:48:00

When arranging them, how do your MB and DB feel about them? If they don't know the mums/nannies your meeting?

My MB told me last Friday that she wants us to spend time with people she knows already

which is fine, except for the minor issues..
.1) that would cut the people we spend time with from about 14 to 4...]
2)I now feel like she doesn't trust my judgement about it
3) ive been there for 2 years and she says it now!

shes not the easiest person to talk to at times either!

Any thoughts?

drinkyourmilk Tue 09-Nov-10 12:08:46

If i'd been there for 2 years already i'd ask why she's had a change of heart - and specifically if it was something that i'd done. Surely the kids have made friends with the kids you see now? Maybe she feels you are spending too much time out of the house?

firefrakkers Tue 09-Nov-10 12:15:55

I'd also wonder why?

Is it that the children are approaching school age and they're all down for the same school? Or that she wants her DCto be close to her friends' DC?

Is it a 'spend more time with' because she thinks you've been neglecting them or is it 'exclusively socialise with'?

But I don't really get why she would want to restrict the social circle like that.

How do you know these people? Local groups? Previous contacts?

HarrietTheSpook Tue 09-Nov-10 12:47:54

I would only say this to our nanny if I felt as though in some way the selection of people my children were spending time with was more about meeting up with HER friends or people of interest to her in the main rather than who I felt my children were best suited to seeing/would be good for them to get to know better based on school, etc.

It may be that she feels similarly for some reason. I doubt that it's she's suddenly lost trust in you from a safety point of view.

If you think not meeting up with these people she doesn't know will mean cutting off friendships that are important to her children, I would just explain that to her and reach some sort of compromise.

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 09-Nov-10 12:48:20

Thanks both

eldest 2 are at school FT so it's the friends myself and youngest charge (17m) have

I know several mums from the eldests school, she knows 2 but not the other 3 (she isnt often at the school gate so doesnt really form friendships with mums there iygwim)

The others are from various groups we go to, all have children around the same age as youngest charge, she enjoys spending time with them and I enjoy spending time with the parents/nannies! We never just meet up for a coffee etc, is always based around kids so soft play, baby gym, singing, swimming etc and we all have a great time!

There is one particular mum at school that I get on brilliantly with, her DD is 15m old and my charge and her DD play together SO well (thick as thieves they are!) we tend to have playdates at hers or go out with them then back to hers for lunch (never back to ours) The mum is absolutely lovely. but my MB seems to have taken an instant dislike to her, and makes little comments about her and her DC hmm

maybe she just doesnt want us to spend time with her, but I dont understand why tbh or know why it makes a difference with all the other mums/nannies

We have made friends with all these parents/nannies and children, some are very close friendships others not so much but my charge certainly recognises them and gets excited when seeing them all, they all sit and "talk" to each other and play together

Im a tad confused to be honest!

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 09-Nov-10 12:52:05

Sorry, x post with Harriet

Thank you!

Not seeing these people (most of which we have known for over a year) would mean ending some great friendships that yes,ok we both enjoy meeting up with these people, but it's never just for me iygwim

HarrietTheSpook Tue 09-Nov-10 12:53:40

Maybe she's feeling like she's missing out? The other school mum isnt' anti working mum is she? Do they interact together?

frakkinup Tue 09-Nov-10 12:54:50

So really most of the people you see are at groups. And she wants you to not see them, which would mean you stopping going to groups?

I think it's about this one mum TBH. Ask her if it's anyone in particular she has a problem with and point out that all these other activities are where you socialise with lots of different people.

If the children are at school then playdates should be guided by their personal friendships anyway, much as MB might like to keep them from seeing some children or encourage friendships with others....

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 09-Nov-10 12:58:34

My boss has made comments about most of the mums we see not working, but they all work part time so we all work around each other iygwim

Nope other school mum isn't anti working mum, shes trying to get back to work herself, they don't really interact much, when MB picks them up from school shes always dashing in right at the last second then straight back out so no time to talk to anyone really.
she knows who she is and both have said hi to each other when they do see each other, but MB never instigates a conversation with her and doesnt stop so other school mum ( ) can

eldest two get on brilliantly with her elder DD (even though not in the same class) and enjoy spending time with them after school eg in the park
(my eldest charge has poor social skills so this is good!!)

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 09-Nov-10 13:00:12

Only thing is I don't want to stop seeing the mum from school, the way her DD and my charge interact is amazing! and I really enjoy spending time with her aswell (i know that sounds like I want to see her not charge etc but it's not that! )

frakkinup Tue 09-Nov-10 13:00:36

All very strange really, especially as you didn't get any guidance on what she'd prefer, more a thinly veiled hint that she's somehow not happy.

You have to talk to her, but you know that!

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 09-Nov-10 13:02:51

I know! Talk to her for me Frakkin <gutless>

frakkinup Tue 09-Nov-10 13:07:40

Ha! grin

I can see the conversation going something like this:

'You know your nanny, well I sort of know it's not important I'm not one of the people you don't want her socialising with....oh? how do I know about that? Well it's funny you should mention it because she's rather confused and so are we all, I mean....'

Best if you just sit her down and say you've been thinking about what she said and of course you're more than happy to spend more time with specific people if she tells you who, and if she has issues with anyone you socialise with to please let you know so you can avoid similar situations in the future etc. Then point out that a lot of the people you currently see are through groups and does she want you to shift the focus to more home-based activities with specific people.

That should make her think.

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 09-Nov-10 13:11:23

I would love to hear that conversation

I won't see her until tomorrow so will have a chat with her then....DB is oblivious to everything we do and couldn't care less

Thank you!

Danthe4th Tue 09-Nov-10 13:13:57

She sounds jealous, you are doing what she probably wants to do. Sounds like you are really enjoying your job, making friends at the school gate and socialising with them.
If she has taken an instant dislike to the one person who has a child the same age, I expect you have told her what a lovely time her child is having while she is at work. It can only be jealousy. Not much you can do about that.

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 09-Nov-10 13:25:40

Thanks Dan

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 09-Nov-10 13:57:19

sounds weird and i would be a bit miffed if mb suddenly said we couldnt see xyz - esp if around the same age and are both benifiting from the friendship

why do you always go there and not have lunch at yours?

it must be hard when you are a parent and your nanny/children talk about xyz and you havnt a clue who they are

my mb has met most of my friends as tries to be around for the birthday partys, (its nice for her to see who we see) plus ive had mb about on ml and also working from home for 3 mths after an operation she had

if you trust your nannyto look after your children then tust her judgement who/what to see/do

leeloo1 Tue 09-Nov-10 14:10:46

I'd agree with Danthe4th - perhaps mum is jealous that you have more friends than she does/socialises more than she does/do more with child than she does.

My friend nannies for a family where the MB drags out leaving every day... she stays at the door waving and saying goodbye until the children (who start off fine and waving) are crying and hanging off her... so MB then 'has' to stay to comfort them. Again we worked it out because the mum wants to feel needed. Poor MBs (and poor nannies!).

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 09-Nov-10 18:59:13

We tend to go to theirs as ours isn't very child friendly and we all feel better and more relaxed when not here!

I do genuinely understand that she feels jealous, honestly I do.and it must be horrible for her at.times...BUT if we both are out together (me and MB) for any reason, and we bump into someone I know and she doesn't, she won't say hi it can be quite uncomfortable at times tbh

I honestly don't know where this has come from....and her dislike of other mum from school is really odd!

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 09-Nov-10 19:03:36

We tend to go to theirs as ours isn't very child friendly and we all feel better and more relaxed when not here!

I do genuinely understand that she feels jealous, honestly I do.and it must be horrible for her at.times...BUT if we both are out together (me and MB) for any reason, and we bump into someone I know and she doesn't, she won't say hi it can be quite uncomfortable at times tbh

I honestly don't know where this has come from....and her dislike of other mum from school is really odd!

chitchat09 Tue 09-Nov-10 22:44:01

Well from an MB perspective, I know I have no right to feel this way, but I feel a bit hmm when my nanny mentions organising meet ups with other children's mums. But I have absolutely no qualms about her meeting up with other nannies/childminders.

Completely selfish of me, but I feel that I should be making friends with other children's parents, not the nanny (even when I don't have a chance to!!!!).

Perhaps this is part of what she is feeling?

MilkNoSugarPlease Wed 10-Nov-10 00:15:34

Thank you chitchat, thats v helpful

Would you stop your nanny meeting up with mums rather then nannies?
Do you not want her to do that? (genuine questions, just asking )

Maybe that is what she's feeling, although she's perfectly happy for us to spend tie with us she already knows

Thank you again!`

I just get on better with parents rather then nannies!

chitchat09 Wed 10-Nov-10 10:22:24

If she only met up with mums and not nannies, then yes I think I would stop her. If she met up with both, then no, I wouldn't.

Most mums are looking at meet ups in a different way, they are catch ups and time outs. Nannies are working. Their true time out away from children starts when they leave the house.

Meet ups are primarily for the children, not for the nanny to make friends. That is an added benefit. Yes it is a nice one, but not everyone gets to make 'friends' at work! Most people are just happy if we get along with those we work with even if we don't actually socialise with them. I would always wonder what she was saying about me, after all she is privy to way more information than any other type of employee is. Wouldn't worry me as much with other nannies because they would probably swap 'horror' stories. If the nanny dropped any of those with mums I would feel that I couldn't be friends with that mum afterwards as easily as if the nanny hadn't been friends with her.

chitchat09 Wed 10-Nov-10 10:26:04

Oh and you always going to this mum's house? I think that yes, I would stop that. OTT for me I think. A bit of distance needed.

And, if I really didn't like the person? Then sorry, your time is my time as I'm paying for it so yes I could stop it if I wanted! If you like her so much see her out of hours on your own!!!!

(Sorry if a bit harsh, in a wee bit of a bad mood this morning!!!)

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 10-Nov-10 10:27:46

one of the mums i met in my ex job is my really good friend - known her nearly 8yrs now, but we just clicked at the school gates and chat every week and see each other at least once a month if not more even tho ive left the job 5 yrs ago

she was never that keen on my ex mb, so was never really her friend

i see mums and nannys now - happy to chat to anyone

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