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Stepdaughters mother demanding we provide all her childcare

(28 Posts)
meme70 Wed 14-Feb-18 10:57:49

Back story
Stepdaughter 11 lives with her mother
She spends 3 nights with us
The days and times have been now set this time 18 months around her mothers original employment - mother has had 10 jobs in 4 years so is always changing days and times.

My husband works from home as do I and has to do work out side the home on the days he doesn’t have his daughter

This mother receives all the child tax credit and child benefits

My husband pays child support and provides all his daughters clothing shoes school uniform trips hobbies etc

Mother got another new job and demanded again my husband looks after they’re daunted basically all week 8am to 7.30 pm ‘Monday to Tuesday
Same Wednesday to Thursday
8am Friday to 11 am Saturday
All this mother works is 10-2 4 of those days but she knows she doesn’t stay in jobs and is trying to cover all potential working hours as she refuses to pay childcare

We can’t afford to pay her childcare
We can’t have they’re daughter on the days already agreed we have had so many demands from this women if we didn’t do as she said she’d not let my husband see his daughter

So my husband said no more the days and times stay as they are and you also need to be providing clothing especially for your house.

So mother has taken him to court to get it set we have they’re daughter all week all she will be having her daughter is 7.30 pm Tuesday to 7.30 am Wednesday and 7.30 pm to 7.30 am Thursday
Weekends she will be at her mums from 11 am Saturday to school Monday

This is what her mother wants that we provide all her child care when she’s working and extra
As she’s only working 16 hours a week we don’t feel she is being fair

Last year we stepped in and had the child all the time as her mother had issues she seems to have had them sorted but she refuses to provided any basic needed things for her daughter and now she’s demanding we provide and pay for all childcare in holidays is very stressful

Does anyone know what courts tend to decide

The child wants the days and times to stay as they are as yhatsvall she’s used to

Her mother has now handed over chikdtax credits to the child and said to her ( she’s 111 ) you have to buy all your clothes and needs from the £80 a month I’ve given you
For 5 Years I’ve brought gone and got all my stepdaughters clothing shoes uniform etc I did what her mother refused to do,
This is causing so much stress I couldn’t even go to court today to support my husband as my IBS D has left me running to the toilet all morning.

We have no issues having her here what we don’t lie is the child sees her mother try control her dad and it’s making the child feel her mum doesn’t care about here.
The child has said why does Mum think you have to do everything for me it’s her job to do her share and it feels like she doesn’t care about me.

Husbands waiting to go into court cafcass are 45 minutes late

reallyanotherone Wed 14-Feb-18 11:02:46

If i were you?

I’d argue for residency. If the sd is staying that much, surely it would be better for her to stay with you in the week, and see her mum weekends.

Presumably she’s at school? And at 11 will be fairly self sufficient so probably only school holidays which would be a concern?

If you have residency you will get the cb and any tax credits toward childcare if you need it in school holidays.

reallyanotherone Wed 14-Feb-18 11:04:12

What does the sd want? At 11 she’s ild enough to decide and technically doesn’t even need “childcare”.

stolemyusername Wed 14-Feb-18 11:08:14

Beat her at her own game and apply for full time residency with her access being the times she has asked for.

Change child benefits and tax credits for your SD at your house and apply through the CMS for maintenance from the ex wife.

Then give the girl the stability she is missing out on.

VimFuego101 Wed 14-Feb-18 11:12:23

I agree, if she's going to spend those days at your house surely it makes sense for her to live at yours and visit her mother at the weekends? It sounds like a lot of going back and forth and it would be better for her to have yours as a 'base'.

BishBoshBashBop Wed 14-Feb-18 11:15:21

Completely agree with others. Go for full residency.

meme70 Wed 14-Feb-18 11:18:18

Thankyou for your replies
We won’t get residency the mother won’t allow it and to get it you need a huge amount evidence the mother is unfit we tried last year. The mother fought it and they usually side with mums unless chronic drug users and neglecting children.
Mother has to give permission for us to have her live here and to hand over tax credits and child benefits and she won’t do that as she has a bad spending having on herself.

The child wants the days to stay as they are as she’s happy with this she’s even written it down for my husband to take to court she told her mother what she wants after that the mother increased the hours she demands we have the child which to us is all selfish.
She works 16 hours a week 4 hours travelling = 20 hours a week but wants us to have the child 90 hours over those days plus a day she doesn’t work as she knows she won’t stay in that job she wa stole it’s only 6 months paid ending June so that’s why it’s the 8am to 7.30 pm but 2 times that’s 36 hours we have child

If the court decides in her favour then I’m going to be shocked but not surprised

The child is a very immature 11 year old think as her mums neglected her and I don’t feel safe to Ben left alone just yet.

franktheskank Wed 14-Feb-18 11:22:36

So with the new times the mum will be having her Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Saturday night and Sunday night?

And she will be at school the days you ha e her so what's the problem?

GreenTulips Wed 14-Feb-18 11:22:40

Yep - ask for full residency

Sound like the mother is using the child as a pawn

Snowydaysarehere Wed 14-Feb-18 11:25:30

Apply for residency. The poor kid won't know if she is coming or going with those arrangements. It isn't up to the dm to allow it - a judge decides that.. Build a case for her being with you ft. Or your dh is as neglectful as her dm for allowing his dd to have such a life.

meme70 Wed 14-Feb-18 11:35:44

The problem is the mother has constantly changed the days and times these days have stayed the same for 18 months
As the mother has full care why do we have to pay for her child care we already work the days we aren’t meant to have the child ?
Why is it deemed okay we do and pay for all childcare we already pay child support and buy all her school uniform clothing for both houses all her trip and hobbie costs and shoes etc why do we have to change the days again and pay for childcare when her mother originally told us we have to have the child these days we have her around her work then so we did as she blackmails my husband saying if he doesn’t then he can’t see his child ?
Why shouldn’t the mother pay and provide her own childcare ? Many times the mother has left jobs not hit another and not had her child when she worked ?

meme70 Wed 14-Feb-18 11:38:35

He tried for resendency he couldn’t get it as the mother won’t allow it as she wants tax credits child benefit and child support and provide no clothing no uniform and no childcare costs
You can’t get resendcy just because you have to have allies of W wide ce of bad neglect

meme70 Wed 14-Feb-18 11:41:31

Sorry how is my husband being neglectful for her mothers behaviours
She won’t allow her hold to live here.
A court won’t akkow it unless theeees huge neglect
We tried

NoSquirrels Wed 14-Feb-18 11:42:55

But if the mother is insisting that your DH take in more care if his DD, the. You have a very clear case fir residency.

Just because last year it was different, doesn’t mean that’s the case this year. This is new information, and the older the child gets the more weight is given to their wishes on where they’d like to be resident.

NoSquirrels Wed 14-Feb-18 11:45:34

Honestly- it’s not “up to the mother”, it’s up to the court. And it guest have to be neglect to change which parent is considered the Resident Parent.

The mother may object, but then she’ll also be in a poor position to insist your DH takes on more childcare to enable her.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Wed 14-Feb-18 11:47:09

The child will be at school 9-3 won’t she? So it’s basically an hour before school and a few hours after school your DH is being asked to do. I think that’s fair enough. He should be responsible for half of childcare.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Wed 14-Feb-18 11:48:44

In your husband’s shoes I would go for a 50/50 contact schedule, pay no child support and both parents responsible for childcare on their own contact days.

LondonHereICome Wed 14-Feb-18 11:52:57

Ask for 50/50 and reduced maintenance?

Ask cafcass to speak to the dd for a wishes and feelings report

NoSquirrels Wed 14-Feb-18 11:53:32

Can you be a bit clearer about what days your SD is currently with you, and how the SM wishes to vary it?

Start at the beginning of the week e.g.

Monday - with mother

Tuesday -with us after school/overnight

Wednesday- with mother after school/overnight


It’s really unclear if the mother is being unfair or if actually your DH doesn’t do as much contact as he could.

Lucked Wed 14-Feb-18 11:56:13

If the courts could force non-resident parents to look after their children then there would be no dead-beat dads. Fathers every where are not seeing their children and there is nothing the courts can do.
So I do not understand what she hopes to achieve in court and I think a judge might be sympathetic now as I also think you have a case for residency, at the very least shared residency.

I would speak to a solicitor again as the case has change and make sure all correspondence is by email with the ex.

meme70 Wed 14-Feb-18 12:00:38

We have always had her
Monday Wednesday Friday
After school until School in term
Her mother has her
Ties thur satd Sunday
Her choice she wouldn’t allow her to come more

Holidays mother set it as
11am her eminday
11 am to her mothers tues
11am to here weds
11 am to mums thurs
11 am to here Friday
11 am Mums satd

Why should we have to pay all childcare ?
She has been unemployed many times but never had her child when we worked whilst she’s sat down the beach or watching TV all day ?

Why should we have her 3 nights a week lay fukk child suooort and buy all the clothes uniform shoes all the child’s needs and School trips all hobbies and then her mum demands we have her all week in all holidays ? She gets the tax credits and child benefits why do we have to also pay for her childcare when she works ?

LondonHereICome Wed 14-Feb-18 12:05:58

What childcare would you be paying?

NoSquirrels Wed 14-Feb-18 12:06:49

So it’s holidays that are the issue?

Can’t you come to an agreement that splits holidays by weeks? That arrangement sounds very complicated. Easier to manage for childcare.

Ask for 50-50. Pay no maintenance, that will at least take that sore point out of play.

meme70 Wed 14-Feb-18 12:07:38

Okay last year we reported her for her drug and alcohol use 3 rd we reported her social services didn’t think there was any problems so closed the reporters
Even though we found out she was arrested for drunk drive and police have been to her house numerous amount of times as domestic violence and we went to a solicitor and they advised us it’s realky hard to get resendency unless the mother is a chronic drug addict and social services say the child need to go into child protection

We’ve sat in our house and argued with the social workers how bad they won’t wrote a report we should be given resendcy
They replied well thousands of children live with a drug addict parent as king as they are clean and feed and the house is clean they aren’t deemed as needing to live else where

We had SD here a lot last year then social services said the parent are clean the daughter should live there as they’ve done really well. The solicitor said as social services are happy we wouldn’t get custody

We have always been a constant inthe chikds life

As always on these groups

Anyway my husband has just messaged me Judge decided nothings changing it stays at it is

Thankyou for those of you who helped me today
Those who slagged me off don’t judge I’m the one who’s been this child’s supper and carer look at the wasted mother before you skate me

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Wed 14-Feb-18 12:08:37

You shouldn’t have to pay for her child care. Your husband should pay for his own childcare on his contact days. What childcare is required for an 11 year old? Is she in secondary school yet?

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