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Husband:( divorce ??

(28 Posts)
Xmaxsmumx Mon 18-Dec-17 19:18:36

Having troubles in my marriage basically my husbands a tit and doesn't appreciate anything. He also thinks if I see my mum for an hour I then have to equal that out and see his mum for an hour 🙄
Anyway my question is, this may only be the case while our son is so young (6 months) and he's trying to get used to everything, accept I'm with our baby more than him so unfortunately I probably do know our soon better etc etc .. I don't want to be a broken family.
Please somebody give me tips on basically pretending to be happy for our baby? Or do
You think if I went to a marriage counsellor they'd help me vent and id be better?? Because my husband also doesn't understand that babies pick up on friction and will happily argue and be agreesive while he's in the house.
This is a genuine question

Linda1981 Tue 19-Dec-17 11:22:49

Hi there, I am sorry you are going through this. Having a baby is one of the biggest strains on a relationship in general. In-laws are a delicate matter so diplomacy helps balancing things out. I don't see a problem in his request from that perspective. He loves his mother just as much as you love yours. Of course, he could be more considerate however most men are not as good with such young babies. It seems to me like you both need a break, maybe you could organise child care and have some time to spend together just the two of you and catch up on sleep? Things change and develop all the time and isolation/sleep deprivation can be very frustrating. I would say, try to focus on the positives, you have a healthy baby, a father who is there for the both of you. Raising a baby on your own can be very very lonely, exhausting and financially draining. I am sure your husband goes through stresses with sleep, work and comes home to his family where everyone is sleep deprived. I am not defending him. Should he ignore you, talk to him. Should he beat you, leave him. However a divorce is a very serious matter and I think things could get much better for you in time if you both support each other. Counselling is always a positive step. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you! Hang in thete

Xmaxsmumx Tue 19-Dec-17 16:24:41

Aww thanks for replying. That's what I mean I'd much rather us stay together-but I dont actually know how to pretend to want to be around him.
With regards to his mum , of a Sunday we go and see his parents , and then mine afterwards. But if I see my own mum for an hour through the week just because she's my mum and want to catch up, I'm then expected to go and catch up with his mum to even it out. I'm not allowed to see my mum if I'm not going to see his too. Why?? I'm obviously more close to my mum, there's things I'd discuss with my mum than I would with my inlaw. As long as we're still seeing his mum on a regular basis I don't see the need in this hour for hour thing. It's stupid. She is my mum! I don't ask him to see mine if he sees his. In actual fact I genuinely don't care if he sees them for a few weeks aslong as I see them. It's always an option that he comes along, he's always welcome but can
do as he pleases.
With everything else I just don't feel like he's bed particularly nice about everything. Disregarding my feelings if I ask for help etc. Manipulating arguments to deflect any blame from himself.
I want to put up with it for my sons benefit. I just don't know how to x

CocaColaTruck Tue 19-Dec-17 16:38:23

You say you are not allowed to see your mum etc? That sounds awful You are allowed, you're an adult. He doesn't get to dictate how you spend your time. He's a bully.

Xmaxsmumx Tue 19-Dec-17 18:16:00

No No I've probably worded that wrong. It's just the expectation that if I see my mum - then it's the expectation that I see his too. Which I just can't understand.. his mum is his..mine is mine. You are obviously closer to
Your own mum. X

AcrossthePond55 Tue 19-Dec-17 18:46:09

Just out of curiosity is all this equal-time stuff because you take the baby to see your mum so he thinks his mum should have equal 'granny time'? Not that that's necessarily reasonable, but maybe that's a factor. Do you think his mum complains to him about this?

I saw my own mum more often that my MiL but we did try to be sure they both got about equal 'Granny time'. They both lived near us and DH would take the boys to see MiL on his own at times, usually on a weekend to give me a bit of peace. IF your DH feels his mum is being 'shorted', then he can take the baby on his own to see his mum.

Just to clarify, do you mean that he actually says the words 'You may not go see your mum unless you see mine, too' or is it that he gives you grief about it? Either way is wrong, but the first is egregiously wrong.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 19-Dec-17 18:48:54

Xpost. Next time you see your mum and he says 'Did you go see my mum, too' say 'No, but I think she'd enjoy a visit from her own son more. Why don't you go see her?'.

ivykaty44 Tue 19-Dec-17 18:51:05

Could your MIL babysit whilst you & your dp spend time going out - either for a lunch or just a coffee to be a couple

Xmaxsmumx Tue 19-Dec-17 20:29:19

We had the argument before we had a baby but more so now. Thing is im on mat leave-so naturally who ever I see automatically sees the baby too. So my mum will see him
Maybe twice a week when she comes to see / help me. But- there's been disputes over his mum smoking in the house while our baby's there, letting random drunks into the house who she doesn't even know to "help" them while baby sitting, letting random dogs come within inches of our babies face. So she sees him while I'm
There - nothing more, I stopped that about a month ago (I havnt actually told her just gone it subtly. Husbands 'says' he's spoken to her about the issues-he hasn't ) but she still sees him once a week. He doesn't say your not allowed, because he knows he can't really say that ... he just makes it known. In an argument the other night he told he me he'd split up with me and get custody of the baby and I'd never be able to stop the amount she saw him. I've asked him to ask her to
Mind him here if we chose to go out for the evening - because I don't want him staying out and I don't think it's fair he gets lugged about when we're ready to come. But he won't, I think he's scared of her. He definitely gets pressure off her. She up until a month ago followed up everywhere uninvited. Even 50miles for something we'd dropped into convo we were going to see. She phoned us when was on her way trying to meet up and couldn't understand why we wouldn't.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 19-Dec-17 21:00:24

So, it's not so simple as it appears.

Your husband threatening to leave and take the baby (even in the heat of an argument) is out of line and is controlling behaviour ("If you don't X, I will Y"). Losing his temper is also controlling, as it is intimidating behaviour designed to frighten you into submission. I think you should examine the way he treats you AND the things you do in response to that more closely. You have a right to live free of coercion. Of course there is always 'give and take' in a marriage, but that's different than walking on eggshells to keep a partner from getting angry.

Obvs, you can't leave the baby alone with her if her judgment is so poor, nor should you have to allow unsafe/unhealthy behaviour from her in your home. Letting random drunks in? Does she have MH issues or a drinking problem herself?

If your DH won't address the issue with her, and if he gives you grief if you attempt do so or to do what's needed to keep your child safe, well, you're between a rock and a hard place. It's not really about 'equal time', IMO, it's about the safety of your child.

Xmaxsmumx Tue 19-Dec-17 21:07:56

Yep my point exactly. Ivf said well I'll talk to her then - and he lies and tries to take blame himself. He allowed her to do something, he invited her etc.

No it's not as simple as my mum v his mum hour for hour with the baby because I've said unless I'm there his mums not seeing the baby. But if I see my mum - that's obviously with the baby..he thinks I should see his too to even it out. She's my mum..I'm bound to see her more. Also - she comes to me. And understands the baby needs familiar surroundings etc , if to be minded at night it's obv at home while he's in his own bed. His mum expects me to take him to hers every time. She is used to partial custody of her other grandchild (due to relationship break up and her son now not being local so she's stepped in) so she expects the same with our son. But obv it's very different. X

Linda1981 Tue 19-Dec-17 21:58:25

Right - let me be blunt here but mother-in-law has absolutely no place in anyone's marriage except her own. This is my opinion. Seeing her once a month is fine with the baby but it seems to me she is more in a wife role to your husband. You are your husband's wife. No third wheels. He needs to be on your side. He is YOUR husband but he seems to be a mamma's boy. He has absolutely no right to tell you he will take your baby when you are not even healed yet. Does he want to found a family with his mother? Sorry to be on a rant but this is unacceptable. He needs to very clearly take your side if he is a real man in this family unit. My subjective view, but I live by it. He needs to stand up to her. As if you do, she will just try and split you up. If stands up to her, she will have to back off.

Linda1981 Tue 19-Dec-17 23:21:32

P.S.: Did your mother-in-law split up the relationship of her other child as well?

Xmaxsmumx Tue 19-Dec-17 23:30:45

She sees him one a week.. so more then enough. I 100% agree with you. I've told him this. He goes through stages of agreeing with me then back tracking and siding sigh her which seems like to me an easy life. Because it's easier to argue with me than his mum.
HAha no I don't think so. She takes very much pleasure in being in control of the granddaughter though.
His brother doesn't live local and travels weekly to see his daughter and stays in his mums house. His new girlfriend and their new child did travel too but have stopped for the last 18 months. You never know she could be the reason. Doesn't want interfering. Lucky cow having the option 😂

BewareOfDragons Tue 19-Dec-17 23:32:49

Wait. You're not supposed to see your own mum during the week if you're not planning to see his for an equal amount of time?

And he threatened to leave you and take the baby if you don't agree with him on these things?

Wow. Sorry. But that is so not on. Controlling and unreasonable behaviour.

You are entitled to spend your maternity leave visiting your family and friends if that's what you want to do.

Tell him if he wants his mum to see the baby more often, he can take the baby round himself. And her smoking in the house and making unreasonable demands herself? Not on.

Sorry, but there are a lot of flags here, with both him and his mother. Shame there's already a baby involved.

Linda1981 Tue 19-Dec-17 23:34:23

Well, I think consistency is key. As long as he thinks he can get away with it, he will. You could suggest to move away for 'completely unrelated reasons' like better nurseries, nicer area, closer to his hobby 😂 whatever. Distance works miracles.

Linda1981 Tue 19-Dec-17 23:36:27

Another P.S.: You should cherish your maternity indeed and he should worship you for giving birth to his genes. grin

Xmaxsmumx Wed 20-Dec-17 10:13:03

There's not much I can really do right now. I feel that situation is what it is- we are married with a baby. So want to try and be a family unit for his sake. The question is how do I deal with it and put on a happy front if I'm not 100% happy? We've since had a talk he's said he didn't mean the things he said etc. But he does mean about his mum, he says his mums just as important as mine. He doesn't get yes she is-to him. Same as mine is to me. As long as his mum sees the baby why does it have to be tit for tat and hour for hour if I see my mum I then have to go and see his. His mother has an awful lot of controlling selfish traits and unfortunately he doesn't know any different.. he thinks that's normal and also if he's being egged on by her, then he thinks this way of thinking is ok. X

Linda1981 Wed 20-Dec-17 12:54:46

I completely get where you are coming from. Also find the 50/50 'rule' very childish and controlling. I bet she has a constant go at him behind the scenes and tells him what to tell you. Here is an idea, he should see her grin and very very often. In fact, make him spend so much time with her that he will be begging not to have to see her 😂 Am half joking .. just half

AcrossthePond55 Wed 20-Dec-17 13:45:14

I agree that his mum is just as important as yours. So first off, do you believe DS is safe under your DH's supervision with his mother? If so, then you tell DH that if he wants 'even Steven' then he can take DS to see his mother himself, just as you take DS to see yours. His mother, his responsibility.

Listen, I'm the mother of two adult men (no DGC yet). I do feel it would be hurtful to know that the 'other grandmother' saw our mutual grandchildren much more often than I did. But I wouldn't make an issue of it. At least I hope I wouldn't.

Xmaxsmumx Wed 20-Dec-17 14:00:09

No his mum bullies him. Only in small matters but she still does. Small examples we'd agreed we use ambesol for babies teething..however he doesn't need it all the time cz really not that bad. His mother insists bonjella is better and puts it on the baby anyway. He should have said no which he may have aswell-but she argues. Halloween baby had his needles abs felt really shitty-I said baby would go in fancy dress IF up to it. He wasn't, I thought he can go down for an hour but wanted him comfy so in his own clothes. She puts him in her other grandchild old costume and takes a picture to send me bold as anything with his eyes all red from crying. He doesn't stand up to her. Which is why I'll go. But I can't go 2/3 times a week. Aside from the face I don't want to, I don't have time. She sees the baby once a week. That's more than some?
In regards to my mumseeing him more than her, if I see my mum , am I supposed to get my MIL to mind the baby while I see my mum..or somebody else to mind the baby so my mum doesn't get to see him more than my MIL? No, exactly. I am seeing my own mum , and with that I have my son. It just unfortunately goes hand in hand she will naturally see a bit more purely because she sees me more. Do you see what I'm saying?

Xmaxsmumx Wed 20-Dec-17 15:28:30

That sounded argumentative I didn't mean it like that..just trying to raise the point of if I see my mum just purely for the fact she's my mum and im catching up with her.. it would be unreasonable for me to get the baby minded just so the nanny time is hour for hour? I find it a bit pathetic if I'm honest. Can't they both just be safe in the knowledge they'll always see him atleast once a week and they'll be in his life just as much as each other in the long run, when I return to work they'll have him equally but while I'm on mat leave I don't see why I need to spend half my week with my MIL hour for hour equal to my own mum I just find it pathetic? Xx

AcrossthePond55 Wed 20-Dec-17 18:06:16

Just a suggestion. But if you feel your DH will not properly supervise, then it's not an option. My own MiL was a gem and my DH would have been perfectly capable of enforcing our rules, so it's not a situation I'd ever have found myself in.

If you don't want to do hour per hour (not saying you should) and you feel your DH isn't trustworthy then you and DH are at a stand-off. At this point your only hope is to try and make your DH see that he's under FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with his DM and that he needs to work on being able to stand up to her. Otherwise this situation is only going to get worse.

Linda1981 Wed 20-Dec-17 23:25:49

Hang in there. Don't let MIL destroy your relationship and neither should he.

MrsT75 Thu 21-Dec-17 12:55:00

I am very sympathetic, MILs are known to be difficult. It's for your husband to realise that he has his own family which is independent of his parents and to protect yours and the baby's interests. The challenge is for your husband to realise this and then bring MIL in line....

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