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Do not want to give birth a third time!!!!(27 Posts)
I have recently found out that I am pregnant with our third baby. Thing is, though this is fine in lots of ways (though not really planned), I CANNOT give birth again. Last time it was short but I got to 10 cms very quickly and so those last few contractions were very painful. Then the second stage was incredibly painful with dd's head staying crowned until the next contraction pulled her out. I just don't want to go through the intensity, adrenaline rush, fear and pain again so am desperately looking for a loophole in my mind... Any ideas?
I'm not sure what ideas there are apart from having a planned c-section. What does your midwife think, is she offering any advice?
Would it make a difference if you said early on that you def wanted an epidural?
I have 3 kids and have no intention of a 4th. If I did fall pregnant I would feel the same as you. I hated the last one. I really feel for you.
I feel for you too. I will never go through another vaginal birth.
Arabella, did you have an epidural previously? I had epi's with my first two and can honestly say that once the thing was set up I had no pain at all (it was topped up at one point though!)
FAR less recovery to worry about than with a c-section too.
would you be likely to have a better experience in water?
I really wouldn't recommend a caesarean if you can do it naturally and fast - it takes weeks to recover and you won't be able to drive or lift your other kids for weeks (not sure how old they are?).
arabella - i've only given birth once, but it was fast & i'd hope against hope for another quick birth if i had another one! at least it's done with fast & you can get on with the lovely bit of getting to know/falling in love with your gorgeous new baby!
sorry, i know that's prob. no help...
maybe water could help, like carolinamoon suggests, would you be up for that??
Thanks - I know a caesarian is drastic action and anyway, would anyone agree to it? Plus yes my other kids will be exactly 2(dd) and 4 and 4 months when this one arrives so not practical for me to be out of action. Also re. the epidural - things tend to go fast with me so I assume this time maybe even more - so therefore probably no time for it. Haven't yet even told GP am pregnant so have not got a hospital or midwife etc...
Why did you hate the third birth Pennyless? I found that with ds since it was the first time it was all a bit of a blur and yes I remember pain but with dd (no. 2) I have a much more vivid recollection of thinking NEVER AGAIN - and now look. Hercules - why would you never go through another vaginal birth? The thing of not knowing how it will be I really don't like...
CarolinaMoon - I almost got a water birth last time except that I was in the second stage with the tens machine blasting and I didn't have the courage either to move from where I was or to have it taken off... Does water really make it so much better? Miaou, did they keep your epidurals going even in the second stage and if so did you have to have help? I liked my second birth because I was kneeling and fairly in control of everything plus my bits were not on show (plus there was only the midwife and dh in the room, that was great), but I found the pain and shock of it unbelievable. I know at the end of it you get a lovely little baby and that part is truly wonderful, the pain magically goes and hey presto your wonderful baby is there. What it must be like to be a man and have babies without giving birth. Still, dh says that I get the best cuddles from our kids so maybe that's the compensation...
i had water birth third time - was amazing, helped with pain of contractions and when ds3 came out. was first time i did not tear or have to be cut. far more relaxing, you fell more comfortable, not as sweaty - cant praise it enough! (and you can squat in the birth pool if you dont want your bits on show)
i think that almost all third babies are far easier anyway. you have stretched before so it stretches easier again (sorry, tmi). was true for me, but i think it applies to lots of others too that pushing stage was much faster. i got v worked up about third birth after being totally chilled about first two - have no idea why. but when it came to it, third was best of the three by a long way. hope yours goes well
i'd have an epidural, they are the best thing ever invented, i had one at 5cm dilated (just as the pain started to get unbearable) it was bliss from then onwards. i was completely numb from the chest down and couldn't feel ds coming out at all, i never tore or had any interventions (forceps etc) and the recovery was so quick. my ds is 6 wks now i don't even feel like ive had a baby at all.
feel for you arabella2. I'm not even pregnant but I have lain awake planning the conversations I would have with the midwife about epidurals if I do do it again. My first birth happened v fast and I just don't know if it is possible to get an epi in at the right moment with the fast ones. But hey, it's got to be worth asking! If we are 'lucky' enough to have strong fast births (all right, I do agree that it's lucky) then surely it wouldn't matter if the epi went in early and slowed things down a bit?
The pool is completely brilliant when it happens but I found that towards the end it was no good any more, and anyway the midwife asked me to get out to have more chance of controlling the birth, as I was wibbling on about tearing.
Anyway, more wibble. My aim if I were pregnant again would be to get an epidural booked and in my birth preferences, because I would hate not to have tried. If I couldn't have one in the end, well, that would be that.
Do try that pool though, if you get the chance.
It might not be as bad as you are imagining. You cannot go by your previous experiences as each birth is different and your third might not be at all like your 2nd.
I know where you are coming from though. I dreaded giving birth after a bad time with No 1. I definitely remember fearing it all the way through pg No3 and then I reaslised how silly I had been as I spent nine months dreading something that took 3 hours to happen! I tried not to get so worked up with No4, but I still arrived at the hospital in labour and crying because I was dreading the birth. They gave my G&A just to calm me down!
An epidural is always an option (though it didn't work for me with No3) but I think your best bet would be to talk to a sympathetic M/W who could put your mind at rest re your options/pain relief.
Any chance of a home birth?
If it's any consolation, my third birth (only one at home) was by far the best and being so much more relaxed made the whole process easier.
My first was with epidural and it was fine. Second was awful - epidural failed and all happened so fast with a bossy midwife - felt I had no control over anything then and thought I'd never give birth again. That experience left me feeling a lot like you are now regarding the third and I opted for a home birth knowing that I could always transfer if I wanted to at the time. No need though - the midwife filled me with confidence and I had her full undivided attention and the pain was somehow just much easier to cope with in my own home.
Like lm though, I spent nine months worrying about it too. Not that I'm planning to have any more chidren, but if it were ever to happen, I'd definitely not spend any time worrying about it.
Hi arabella, in answer to your question, both times the epidural was kept up even for the pushing stage, which was perhaps a little strange as I couldn't feel any urge to push, but I was pushing effectively so they were happy to let me continue like that. I got the impression that if I hadn't been able to push effectively (which sometimes happens with an epidural, because you can't feel what you are doing), they would have let the epi wear off a bit so I could "feel" what I was doing.
With my first, I had an episiotomy and ventouse because she was a bit slow coming out. With my second I had no "help" but did tear a little bit. Had epis with both of them.
Arabella2, I've got three DSs (all vaginal births).
Your second child's birth sounds like my DS2's birth - it was a real wham bam thank you ma'am affair! It was really quick - contractions started at about 6 p.m. and he was delivered at 8 15 p.m. But as you say, the last few contractions were just massive and so hard to get through and the pushing stage wasn't much fun either although again it was quick. I actually had flashbacks about the last few contractions for quite a long time afterwards.
However I am happy to say that what has cured those flashbacks was the brith of my DS3 which was an altogether calmer affair. Apparently it is quite common for third briths to be a bit slower and more leisurely than second ones. That was definitely the case with me and all the way to 10 cms I found that I was able to deal with the contractions - they got pretty painful in the end, but because the build-up was much slower, it was nothing like the intensity, adrenalin rush, fear etc that I remembered from DS2.
The main thing that I did differently third time around was to hire a doula because whilst DH did his best, he really wasn't able to support me second time around - I just got really angry with him (Typical exchange: "Breathe - remember your breathing..." "I am effing breathing, now eff off!") My doula was great and she definitely made a difference in keeping me feeling calm and supported.
p.s. should have mentioned, I did manage it without artificial pain relief, which was important to me, although I don't have a problem with it in principle iyswim.
Thanks for your more kind answers and thoughts. It's a good point about not spending 9 months worrying about it all which I am in danger of doing at the moment. It's kind of an analogy of life and living in the moment - no point thinking about tomorrow because today is all we've got - after all we don't spend all our time thinking about death (!still feeling pretty negative about giving birth as you can see!). It's a terrible thing to say but at about 6 weeks pregnant I would not be devastated if I had a miscarriage (though now, not later)... Hope my baby's soul is not offended by this, I will love it hopelessly if it does make it to 9 months. Why are 3rd births supposed to be a bit more leisurely than 2nds ones Dinosaur - I hope that's true in my case - fast enough not to drag on but slow enough not to feel you're on an express train to god knows what. Thanks for all the other thoughts - will let you know how I get on and what I decide. I would go for a home birth and might have last time but I really dislike the hospital (Central Middlesex in London) I would be taken to in case of emergency so can't go for that option.
I don't know why, Arabella, all I know is that my yoga/birth teacher said it to me and lo and behold! it came to pass.
Do think seriously about getting a doula - best £300 quid I've ever spent - if I had my time again I'd have had one for the briths of the older two as well.
Arabella you might try some hypnotherapy during your pregnancy. I went to a hypnotherapist when pregnant with my first, partly because I'd heard it could help with relaxation pre and during labour and also because I had some fears about the whole birth thing! She made me a lovely positive tape which I listened to almost every day towards the end of pregnancy and it certainly helped to calm me beforehand. Can't say that it did much for me in labour itself but it might help you not to spend 7.5 months worrying about what's coming.
Thanks babydriver - I've thought of that and might do it. Shame it didn't help you in labour! I'm looking around at all the women who are pregnant or who have children thinking - they all did it (and so have I twice!) so I'm sure I can do it as well but I would rather not have to .
I feel exactly the same, arabella2. I had a tough 2nd birth - got to 10cm in just over an hour so I can empathise - and although I am not planning to have any more children, if an accident happened I would definately book an epidural. I've given birth naturally twice with no pain relief too, what have we got to prove to anyone?
No is my answer have told dh if we ever want anymore children they'll have to be adopted as I'm not going through pregnancy and certainly not childbirth again. he's agreed
you sound like me arabella!! I'm 30 weeks pregnant with number 3 and scared as hell. My first birth with ds was like yours, I can remember pain but nothing as intense and unbearable as the pushing stage with my second baby (dd). After having dd I swore I would never put myself in that position again and here I am due to go through the whole experience again in 10 weeks . I enquired about a c section early on but haven't really got a valid reason and when I found out all the pros and cons it really isn't a good option. I am now veering towards an epidural but i want one where I can't feel that horrible crowning burn. I'm also scared of an assisted delivery as haven't needed any stitches with previous two pregnancies and really don't want to start now!
Oh well, I hope things turn out ok for you and I'll let you know how my third goes when the time comes
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